mindcracklove | The Wardrobe

Sorry for the dumbass title, but anyways I saw this beautiful AU on tumblr and I had to do it for SMS. Bonus Vechs as an accidental "wingman".

EDIT: Oh yeah, and this is a "real world" AU, except Kurt still looks like his minecraft skin, and Zisteau looks like irl Zisteau and I don't know about Vechs, you the reader can decide.

It started off as an incredibly stupid joke. “Hey, hey Pigderp!” Zisteau turned around (he was looking at a set of shelves) and noticed Vechs pointing to an ornate wooden wardrobe beyond several couches. “Dude, you should totally climb into that thing. And when I pretend walk by, you can jump out and shout, ‘For Narnia!’--” Vechs interrupted himself to giggle maniacally, stopping to catch his breath before he continued, “It’ll scare the crap outta the other customers!”

“Vechs, that is so stupid. And why am I the one jumping out of the damn thing? Why can’t you do it?” Zisteau asked exasperatedly, but his mouth twitched into a grin, and Vechs knew that his best friend was buying into the idea. Vechs pointed to the wardrobe, and then indicated his own height. “Dude, I’m way too freakin’ tall for that wardrobe! That’s why you gotta do it, and it’ll be awesome!” Vechs dragged out the ‘o’ in his last word, shaking his fists in excitement. Zisteau sighed, but he was smiling widely now. “Alright, alright, fine. You win.”

“Yisss!” Vechs proclaimed as he and Zisteau walked over to the wooden wardrobe. Like Vechs pointed out earlier, the wardrobe was indeed too small for Vechs to properly fit in, but it was perfect enough for Zisteau to step into.

“Okay, so remember the plan, Pigderp. You stay in that wardrobe until I walk by—“

“And jump out shouting ‘For Narnia!’, I know Vechs.” Zisteau replied, looking around for any of the Ikea staff before opening the wardrobe door and stepping inside. The last thing Zisteau saw was Vechs giving him a thumbs up and a cheeky grin before he closed the door.

The wardrobe smelled like musty pine, and all the noises outside were slightly muted by the thick wooden walls. Zisteau reckoned that he would only be able to hear Vechs’ footsteps until the devilish derp was right outside the wardrobe. He waited, both palms pressed against the wardrobe doors, holding back in anticipation for his friend’s footsteps. It took a few minutes (with some under-the-breath curses and “Where the hell is this damn guy?”) before Zisteau finally heard Vechs’ footsteps. He triumphantly pushed open the wardrobe doors, and gloriously leaped, shouting, “For Narnia!” (but not loud enough to attract any nearby Ikea staff).

Except, it wasn’t Vechs in front of him.

It was a brunette man wearing a dark blue suit and brown trenchcoat (and apparently 3-D glasses?), who had a very startled look on his face (well no wonder, considering a crazy bald man just jumped out of a wardrobe shouting something about Narnia). Zisteau had never seen the man before, but he knew for sure that he definitely was not Vechs. And he was about to crash into the stranger right now—

THUMP Two bodies hit the floor, and Zisteau was stunned for a few moments. Slowly blinking his eyes, he found himself staring down at the floor, but he was pretty sure that he was lying on top of the stranger--Oh crap. Zisteau bolted up and off of the body of the other man, who was also sitting up, albeit more slowly and painfully. Zisteau’s face felt hot and flushed, but he quickly remembered about Vechs, and he looked around for his friend. Of course, the damn bastard was nowhere in sight. Zisteau speechlessly looked back at the stranger, who was staring back at him with shock and embarrassment, and oh no he was cute.

He rapidly stood up and held a shaky hand towards the stranger to help him up. “Uh, s-sorry? Yeah, um, sorry about that.” The other man looked at Zisteau’s hand for a few seconds (possibly trying to digest what just happened), before grabbing it, and Zisteau helped him up. The other man gave an awkward chuckle, before muttering, “No, it’s fine—I guess. I accept your apology.” Zisteau and the other stranger stood awkwardly, looking at each other in silence but refusing to meet each other’s eyes, before the stranger coughed. “Well, uh, have a good day sir!” He said before he back-pedaled and quickly walked away. The moment the stranger was out of sight beyond some shelves, Zisteau let out a long string of furious curse words, most of it directed to Vechs. He heard some familiar giggling behind him, and before he turned around, something on the floor caught his eye.

It was a pair of 3-D glasses, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach, Zisteau realized it was the pair that the stranger was wearing. He quickly picked them up with shaking hands, and burst off running in the direction of the stranger, while Vechs shouted in surprise behind him. Zisteau felt so tempted to go back to strangle Vechs, but he could do that later. He needed to return the glasses now, or never see the other man again.

Zisteau caught the other man as he was hurriedly walking out of the front doors, the latter having a panicked look before realizing that Zisteau wasn’t going to crash into him again. The stranger still looked wary as Zisteau walked up to him, panting. Zisteau wordlessly held out the stranger’s 3-D glasses, and the stranger gasped in surprise before delicately grabbing them. Their fingers brushed and Zisteau hoped that his face wasn’t fire-truck red. “Ah, thank you, uh…” the stranger looked at Zisteau, as if expecting a reply. “Oh, my name’s Zisteau.” The man raised an eyebrow at the strange name, before giving a shy smile. “Thank you, Zisteau. My name’s Kurt.” Kurt was about to turn and leave before Zisteay interrupted. “Wait, Kurt, I’m so sorry about earlier. My friend, that fucking bastard, he set me up and I didn’t mean--” Zisteau struggled with his words, but Kurt laughed, the sound ringing through Zisteau’s ears. “Zisteau, it’s fine. And well, now I have an entertaining story because of you.”

Zisteau stared at Kurt in disbelief. “Are you sure you’re not hurt? I didn’t knock anything loose in your head or somethin’ like that?” Kurt shook his head, but he was smiling a little at Zisteau’s question. “No, no, I swear I’m better now than earlier when we were down on the floor.” Zisteau was definitely blushing by now, and he rubbed the back of his neck.

“So, Kurt, can I like, buy you an apology drink? I know a pretty decent pub nearby here, well actually I don’t know if you drink or not—“

“Single malt scotch.” Kurt mumbled, and Zisteau looked up in surprise. “What did you say?” Kurt cleared his throat and replied, “I do drink, yes. However, I mostly prefer drinking single malt scotch, if it’s available. So, I guess I’ll take up your offer, Zisteau—“

Zisteau laughed loudly, surprising Kurt. “Really? Cause that’s my drink too!” Kurt was smiling broadly now (which was a good look on Kurt, Zisteau had to admit), but he seemed to have a question on his mind. “Ah, what are the directions to the bar? Because I’m sort of new to this area, having moved here recently…”
“Oh, I can text you the address, you don’t mind swapping phone numbers, right?” Zisteau hoped he appeared to look calm and collected, because he was secretly ecstatic on the inside. They both traded phone numbers, and both men seemed to be content to leave and meet later at the bar, before Zisteau smacked his forehead. “Aw damn, I forgot my friend in Ikea.”

Kurt chuckled, before curiously replying, “And is your friend--are they going to join us later tonight?” Zisteau looked straight into Kurt’s eyes with a serious face. “After what happened earlier, definitely fucking not. Or at least, I hope I can get rid of the guy before tonight.”

“Fair enough, we can’t have the poor fellow be a third wheel, can we now?” Kurt deadpanned while Zisteau sputtered, before laughing. They exchanged good byes before Kurt left to go towards the parking lot, and Zisteau went towards the Ikea store. Little did he know, however, that his friend had watched the whole encounter from inside the store, and Vechs was laughing mischievously.

~~~~

+1

When Kurt was asked how he met his boyfriend, he chuckled quietly to himself before replying, "Well, we didn't really meet per say, rather it was a random chance encounter--to be more accurate, a crash encounter, indeed! I, the lone Ikea shopper, and he, a lunatic bald man from Narnia--now I don't believe in fate and the stars (but I certainly saw some that day), but something must've aligned in the heavens or something crazy like that, because then we exchanged phone numbers and the rest is history. Oh, and somewhere in there, Vechs was involved, and he is very lucky to be alive, or that's what Zisteau tells me at least."