A New Land: Chapter 1
Tuesday, February 24th, 2015 02:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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mindcrackloveJune 13, 2008 7:52pm
Vechs couldn't believe his eyes. He had been in the boat for a day sailing across the water looking for land He had expected plains or maybe a forest, but certainly not a grove of beautiful pink-flowered trees. As soon as he landed, he took out his Modified Compass*1 and looked at it. "Cherry Blossom Grove". He said to himself. "I've never heard of that biome before. And I suppose these must be cherry Blossom trees then." He didn't bother chopping one down and simply plucked a sapling from the branches.
Vechs caught a glimpse of something through the trees. It was a house.
"It is getting dark. I wonder if the owner would let me stay the night."
He approached the boor and knocked. A young man answered.
"Yes, may I help you?", he spoke.
"I was wondering if I could stay the night here."
The man seemed to pause and look Vechs. "Your from the west aren't you?"
"How did you know?" Vechs asked surprised.
"No one around here uses diamond for swords. Now come in here, it's nearly dark!" the man spoke smiling slightly. "My name is David but you can call me Dave. So what's your name?" he said as they went in and set down.
"Vechs, Vechs Davion.", Vechs said, slightly confused. "What do you mean no one uses diamond for swords here?"
"Well the best way to explain it is to just give you this." he passed Vechs a book titled "Mods". "You see, here there different categories for all items and mobs, almost all of which aren't found in the west."
"Really," Vechs spoke. "What are the mobs like?"
"Lets just say you don't want to be unprotected at night.", he said as they walked into the living room, Dave motioning for Vechs to set down in one of the armchairs that surrounded a fire place in one wall. "That book will tell you about some the most dangerous ones and the best armor to combat them in. Now tell me, what are you doing traveling east?
"I wanted to find a new place to live, somewhere I had never seen before.", Vechs said, wincing internally at the half-truth.
"Oh, how far do you plan to travel?", Dave questioned.
"Two months exactly.", Vechs replied.
"I see", Dave spoke, glancing out the window." It's getting late, let me show you to your room."
Once there David left Vechs to read the book and, after about two hours of reading, Vechs went to sleep.
June 14, 2008 1:24pm
It had been about six hours since Vechs had left Dave's to continue on his journey. He had been lucky so far, having seen several new biomes and collecting many new types of plants. Fortunately he had seen only a few of the creatures that the book had warned of. He had avoided conflict so far but he knew he would have to face them eventually.
Now he was looking through the armor section of the book to see if there was any armor that was stronger than diamond that he could easily craft.
"Rupee*3 is too rare to mine for now. Same with ardite*3. Wood*4, too weak. Obsidian*5 is…" Vechs paused in his thoughts. "is almost as strong as bedrock*3 armor, has a sword I can craft, infinite durability, and I can craft it now!"
Excited by this discovery, Vechs pulled out his ender chest and selected 26 obsidian blocks and one stick from his bag. He placed down his crafting table and arranged the pieces. Then he stored his diamond armor, and sword in the ender chest and broke it with his silk pick.
He set to work crafting the armor and sword. The legs and boots looked like regular armor, and the sword like a sword, but the helmet and chest were slightly different. The helmet had two 5 inch spikes coming out from either side that sloped on the backside. The difference with the chest was that the shoulders of the chest were like the Hexxical*6 armor. Oh, and the gauntlets. A pair of them, one protruding from each arm hole, something never seen on armor back home.
Vechs put on the armor, struggling slightly with the gauntlets, and walked over to a near by pond, to see his reflection.
His eyes widened slightly. "Wow. I look awesome."
After admiring his reflection for a few minutes, he continued on his way with a new air of confidence around him.
June 23, 2008 8:49pm
Vechs had been lucky. Very, very lucky.
He hadn't had to fight a single mod-mob yet. Sure there was that time he had run from that jungle spider*3 till he had lost it, and that time in a snow biome in his underground hide-hole when a glacon*3 had practically walked over him, but he hadn't actually fought one yet. His luck had to run out sometime he supposed.
But why now.
Vechs had decided to walk a bit later than usual, and now that was coming back to bite him in the butt.
It was a rainbour*3. Why it was agroed he didn't know, he was just glad there was only one.
It came in from the front, and would have hit him if he hadn't jumped to the side. Vechs slashed at it with his sword, keeping it at bay as he recalled what he knew about them. "They circle the enemy, usually in packs, attacking it until it dies, and they're one of, if not the strongest overworld mob."
Well frick.
Vechs slashed at it when it charged at him, clipping its side, but that only made angry. It continued circling and charging, and Vechs continued slashing it when it charged. But Vechs was tiring and he had to end this now. There, an opening for attack! Vechs thrust his sword forward, into the rainbour's chest killing it, but not before the rainbour slashed his arm despite the armor. It designated into dust, leaving behind a pink gem that Vechs snatched up before racing to build a hide-hole, adrenaline keeping him from noticing the wound on his arm. Once done he set down a bed, took of his armor, and collapsed, falling asleep immediately.
++++++++++
Chapter one has been edited. click here ---> http://mindcracklove.dreamwidth.org/906199.html
*1- tells the direction, XYZ coordinates, biome, time, and identifies materials.
*3 - all can be found here: http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CB4QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fdivine-rpg.wikia.com%2F&ei=RCbsVM3fC8KdNuHagvgN&usg=AFQjCNH7CS5-gWSHiIgSZBv8G5GVLx9dOQ
*4 - it's from tinkers construct
*5 - from my imagination
*6 - http://hexxit.wikia.com/wiki/Scale_Armor_(Hexxit_Gear)
Please comment
Master List - http://eclipse3.dreamwidth.org/686.html
Well that took longer than I had hoped it would. To be honest with you guys o have the whole plot laid out I'm just too lazy to type it. What do you guys think? Like it? Hate it? Tell me in the comments. Tell me of any mystakes too.
no subject
Date: Tuesday, February 24th, 2015 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Tuesday, February 24th, 2015 02:07 pm (UTC)Just a general bit of feedback
Date: Friday, February 27th, 2015 03:36 am (UTC)I've not read your story, although I was curious at first, as both title and taggs suggested that it might be interesting.
Then I looked at your teaser text and...well...
Those are there for a reason: to give the potential reader just a little bit of info about what the story is about; to make them curios. To draw them in. To get them to read.
"I stink at dialogue" does nothing of that kind. As a potential reader, all it does is put me off. 'Why should I invest time to read this? If not even the author cares about the story, then why should I?'
If you really feel that you are that bad at writing dialouge, then you can make a short Authors Note at the end of the chapter, asking for feedback from your readers. Or get a beta reader before posting your work. Or do other things to improve a skill you are lacking.
Putting it in the summary of your new story is the last thing you should do.
Just some advice, from one writer to an other.
Re: Just a general bit of feedback
Date: Saturday, February 28th, 2015 10:42 pm (UTC)Re: Just a general bit of feedback
Date: Sunday, March 1st, 2015 02:05 am (UTC)I always have troubble with teasers myself, finding it hard to find a good middle ground about giving basic information on what the story is about without spoiling to much.
Generally it's good to give an idea about it in 250 letters or less. For example...uhm... After many boringly peacefull weeks of peace, Vechs recieves an unsigned invitation that promises adventure. A promise, that he later wishes had not been fulfilled.
Some Authors also choose to quote a few lines from the actuall story instead, that give a general hint without spoiling to much, which also works quite well.
It deoends on the story and on your writing style, but teasers are there to tease a little bit of the content. They are especially importand on comunities such as ours.
- Also, one further suggestion: scrolling down I've noticed that you seem to be using footnotes in your story. They are not as distraction as Authors Notes in the middle of the text, but they also promt the reader to stop and look up what is being said before continuin to read.
Everyting that disrupts the storyflow is best to be avoided. Information that is needed should be either woven into the story itself, or - if it is a refference to some knowledge that really can't be included without breaking the fourth wall but is desperately needed - it can be added in the Authros Note at the end of the chapter as well. But of course it's always prefearable to have the story be in a way that it can be understood, even if the reader does not know all the details. As long as you can follow it.
no subject
Date: Wednesday, March 18th, 2015 03:34 am (UTC)Just a few tips:
1. I noticed that you had a few issues with your/you're and their/they're. If you just missed them, try to be a bit more careful in the future, or if you do not know the difference, I suggest you look it up.
2. With dialogue, it's often best to put in some flavor text before, in the middle (only try this when you are a bit more experienced, as it is tricky to pull off and very easy to screw up and ruin the flow of your dialogue and/or use incorrectly), or at the end of each quote, at least until the reader is supposed to know all of the characters involved fairly well. This not only lets the reader know for a fact who is talking, but it also allows them to get a better fell of how something is said, and the tone and intent behind it. Additionally, it allows the reader to get to know the character's style of speaking, so that it is easier to understand what they are trying to say later even without descriptive text.
3. With the dialogue, try to keep your method of paragraph spacing consistent. For example, in this case, because you used the Double-Line-No-Indent method, you should also do that with your dialogue. EX:
"Blahblahblahtext."
"Blegidybolgidyblop." Said Jhon.
"Blargenfargel." Replied Joe.
|
V
"Blahblahblahtext."
"Blegidybolgidyblop." Said Jhon.
"Blargenfargel." Replied Joe.
---
Does that make sense?
4. While it is very good that you are using footnotes rather than actually putting the authors note in story, there is a way to make it less interruptive. My advise is to use superscript, which is how it is usually done in normal documents. If you use another word-processor to write you stories, such as Google Docs or Word (though I'm not 100% sure on the shortcut for word) before copying it to DW, try pressing 'Ctrl + .'. For this to work, you have to make sure that DW is set to 'rich text' mode rather than 'HTML'.
I hope to see more of your stuff in the future!
no subject
Date: Wednesday, March 18th, 2015 10:08 am (UTC)