Gravity Hurts- Chapter 3

[tjmachado]

Well hello again. I'm back already with another chapter! Yeah... I'm not sure what my eventual release schedule will be so don't get spoiled with so many chapters in so little time. However, the good news is that this fic is looking like it's gonna be kinda long, so buckle in!

Alright, Chapter 3. Plot advancement, funny dialogue, italics.



"Come on, what do we do now?"

bang

"You know that's not getting you anywhere."

"Shut up MC!"

"Nebris please. Do you really think you're going to break through a metal wall with your hand?"

There was a pause "...No."

"Then hitting the wall is doing nothing except hurting you."

"Ok, fine." Nebris let out a sigh. Was this some kind of sick social experiment? Two people, one needlessly spacious sealed room, and infinite time? If so, then they must be failing by now.

MC got up to look around again. Most boring room possible. A few electric lights and smooth metal walls. Not a single window or door visible. Not exactly the highlight reel for someone's interior decorating. How did they even get in here? MC was interrupted from his musings by Nebris beginning to think aloud.

"Well, let's think. Something opened up underneath us and we fell. I don't know about you MC, but I lost consciousness on the way down.

"As did I."

"So then neither of us could have seen anything about the entrance to this room. Well that's helpful." Nebris sat down again. "Okay, let's try something else. Any bright ideas, MC?"

"Well... Do we know who opened the gate underneath us, or who set it up if it was automatic?"

Nebris though for a second. "No, we have absolutely zero idea as to who did this, or even what is outside this room. Let's see, who is completely evil and would be this sadistic?"

"Vechs" came the immediate and flat reply.

"Well okay then, that was the easy part. Now for why, besides pure sadism. Vechs is usually the type to have a motive, obvious or ulterior."

"Either he wants something from us, or from one of our friends. So we're either hostages or just flat-out prisoners."

"Gee, don't sound too optimistic. Vechs may pick up on the positivity and crush it."

"You called?"

They jumped. That voice most definitely did not come from the metal room.

"Vechs?!" came the shout from a startled MC.

"That's my name, don't wear it out!" came the cheerful reply from the echoing, projected voice.

"I'll just have you know that if I ever find you, Vechs, I will personally wring your neck and kill you, only to revive you and do it again!"

"Ah Nebris, always so hotheaded. I thought your purple eyes showed calmness and calculated coldness."

"Must've been talking to the wrong person then. But my personality isn't the topic of discussion here, that would be why you have us locked in a metal room!"

"Maybe it's because I felt like it."

"Not likely. You always have a reason Vechs, so what is it today? Ransom? World domination?"

"Well if I told you, then it wouldn't be so secret or diabolical, now would it?"

"Because we're totally gonna tell everybody."

"Of course you will. In fact, speaking of 'everybody', I have some business to attend to. Now if you'll excuse me..."

"I not done with you yet Ve-" click

"I'm gonna kill him" muttered Nebris.

"No, I thought your only intention was to sit down and have a spot of tea with him while you calmly discuss the best method with which to settle your dispute. You would never murd-"

"Shut up MC!"

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Okay, one specific thing I want for feedback. How did I do with portraying the unique and real characters? I use a lot of italics generally, because I like the emphasis. And since hello, these are the Mindcrackers, you can expect them to be rather animated... Did I make that obvious to the reader?


Chapters 1+2: http://mindcracklove.dreamwidth.org/851282.html

Comments

[halcyonlioness]

In spite of a few stilted bits of dialogue, the interactions in this chapter are gold. <3 I couldn't help but laugh at how the Cobblehaterz are verbally knocking into each other's skulls. And Vechs? Most definitely Vechsy. :D

Glad you're using the rich text to the fullest now. :3 It does make a marked improvement, and so much easier to to follow along without getting our immersion broken. We'll train the old habits outta you, yet!

Looking forward to more. ~Lioness

[tjmachado]

Hm... Stilted? Would you mind explain exactly what you mean there?

And of course I have to have the guys practically at each other's throats (through sarcasm), these are the MINDCRACKERS here.! :D

Also making good use of my iPad's fancy shortcut system, so far I have double asterisk becoming (Haha, old habits still there!) and a quicker way to type Nebris' name (first three letters)

[halcyonlioness]

There were bits in the interactions between Nebs and MC that felt forced, specifically at the start. Once the ball got rolling, though, it was a blast to read. :3 Hope this helps.

[tjmachado]

Oh, ok. Forced. I don't think I've ever heard the word "stilted" before, but TIL. Anyway, I was kinda afraid the entire thing would sound forced, so I guess I didn't do too bad. I believe that it's just a thing of figuring out exactly how the characters would normally interact, which means I probably should look for some collab videos.

[chemrepnacl]

Amazing. I really enjoy this story.

[captain_crackers]

I really like this story. I personally much prefer the italics, and I'm glad you're using them now. I love it so far and can't wait for the next one.

[cassadanya]

The characters (specifically vechs) sound a lot like they do. This sounds great, and I found myself laughing at some of the lines. I do love my evil Vechs and this sounds EXACTLY like him. Evil but still derpy-ish-ish. Amazing story so far