Warlords Chapter 3: Attack
Wednesday, July 16th, 2014 02:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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mindcrackloveChapter 3! It picks up and a character is added to the mix! (Don't you peek down there!) I've been getting plenty of helpful tips and pointers. You guys all rock! Now shall we?
He sat in the tree, overlooking the camp in the field. His mission was a simple one, nothing he hadn't done before. Cut the head off the snake. Guude Boulderfist must die. He reached into his pack and pulled out his orders.
"Royal Assassin,
You are hereby requested to cut down one Guude Boulderfist. He is an enemy of the state and leading an uprising against us. Complete this without problem and you will be paid handsomely. If you don't, you'll find yourself in prison. Don't disappoint me. Not again.
~Your lord"
He thought to himself. Was this right? Did this man deserve death? Why was he working for the Kunàn? It was a land of misery where the poor are treated like trash and the rich laugh. Was the money good enough to do this? Or was he doing this for something else?
He started to talk to himself quietly in the tree, "Surely this Guude Boulderfist isn't what they made him out to be. Or is he? But does that justify killing him? Or is it the money that's making me do this? Or...am I...evil? Gah! Forget this. I have a mission!" He jumped up and donned his mask. It was tradition for him at this point. Down he went, into The hornet's nest once more.
He snuck into the camp, looking for anyone matching the description he was given. The largest tent was the clear first stop. He snuck around the outskirts of the camp, avoiding the lights from the fires in the night. He came around the largest tent, clearly the commander's. peeking in, he saw someone. Assuming it was the commander, he started to sneak in behind him. It looked as if he was going over plans for the next battle. He'd take notes on that incase the resistance survived past the loss of its commander. He drew his knife, silent as the night he raised it, preparing to kill. He felt a sharp pain hit him dead in the stomach.
"Etho! Thank god I came to check on you." The attacker blurted out. The assassin looked up. That would've been the one to take out. Not the one looking over plans.
Etho whirled around confused, "wha-Who's this?" as he stared at masked figure now doubled over on the ground.
"I don't know, but he nearly took you out." Guude looked down with a fire in his eyes.
The assassin relinquished his blade. "BTC. I was hired to take you, Guude...?" As he started to look at the two in confusion.
Guude grabed BTC by the collar and raised his other hand, preparing to viciously beat the attacker. "By who?! Who dammit?!"
BTC shouted out, "Kunàn!". If those fists made of what looked to be stone hit him in the face, BTC was sure he wouldn't last the night. Etho grabbed Guude's arm.
"Guude! He's been compliant. There's no need for that."
Guude let him go with a push towards the ground. "Go. Go back to your bastard master and tell him you failed."
BTC hit the ground with a thud. "If I go back a failure, they'll lock me up." He took off his mask and looked up at Guude In a pleading manner.
Etho stepped In again. So it's kill Guude, or get locked up?"
BTC nodded a bit ashamed.
"What if I offer you a 3rd option?" Etho gave him a smile as BTC and Guude gave him shocked expressions. "Join us. If the Kunàn trusts you, than you must be good. We always have room for skill."
Guude shouted out, trying to persuade Etho, "What?! This guy was about to kill you while being sent to kill me about 5 minutes ago and now you're going to try and add him to our army's ranks?! You're joking, crazy, stupid or all of the above!"
Etho just looked blankly at Guude, "a skilled assassin can help in tons of ways Guude. So what do you say BTC? We can't promise the pay, but we can promise a free life."
BTC took a minute. "You're willing to forgive me...? Cause I'll join if you are, if anything, just to make up for nearly taking the wrong life."
Etho helped him up. "Welcome to the Xinlíng movement. Tell me, what do you know of poisons and such?"
"I'm going to need a garden if you're planning poisons." BTC, let up from the tension.
Guude stormed out, grumbling to himself. But an assassin could help with the promise to Beef. He decided it was for the best. Despite how little he trusted him.
-----------------------------------
Chapter 3's in! I took all the tips into account. And I think it turned out alright. I may or may not of done a randomiser with 5 options so the Bitsy option got picked. *shrugs*
He sat in the tree, overlooking the camp in the field. His mission was a simple one, nothing he hadn't done before. Cut the head off the snake. Guude Boulderfist must die. He reached into his pack and pulled out his orders.
"Royal Assassin,
You are hereby requested to cut down one Guude Boulderfist. He is an enemy of the state and leading an uprising against us. Complete this without problem and you will be paid handsomely. If you don't, you'll find yourself in prison. Don't disappoint me. Not again.
~Your lord"
He thought to himself. Was this right? Did this man deserve death? Why was he working for the Kunàn? It was a land of misery where the poor are treated like trash and the rich laugh. Was the money good enough to do this? Or was he doing this for something else?
He started to talk to himself quietly in the tree, "Surely this Guude Boulderfist isn't what they made him out to be. Or is he? But does that justify killing him? Or is it the money that's making me do this? Or...am I...evil? Gah! Forget this. I have a mission!" He jumped up and donned his mask. It was tradition for him at this point. Down he went, into The hornet's nest once more.
He snuck into the camp, looking for anyone matching the description he was given. The largest tent was the clear first stop. He snuck around the outskirts of the camp, avoiding the lights from the fires in the night. He came around the largest tent, clearly the commander's. peeking in, he saw someone. Assuming it was the commander, he started to sneak in behind him. It looked as if he was going over plans for the next battle. He'd take notes on that incase the resistance survived past the loss of its commander. He drew his knife, silent as the night he raised it, preparing to kill. He felt a sharp pain hit him dead in the stomach.
"Etho! Thank god I came to check on you." The attacker blurted out. The assassin looked up. That would've been the one to take out. Not the one looking over plans.
Etho whirled around confused, "wha-Who's this?" as he stared at masked figure now doubled over on the ground.
"I don't know, but he nearly took you out." Guude looked down with a fire in his eyes.
The assassin relinquished his blade. "BTC. I was hired to take you, Guude...?" As he started to look at the two in confusion.
Guude grabed BTC by the collar and raised his other hand, preparing to viciously beat the attacker. "By who?! Who dammit?!"
BTC shouted out, "Kunàn!". If those fists made of what looked to be stone hit him in the face, BTC was sure he wouldn't last the night. Etho grabbed Guude's arm.
"Guude! He's been compliant. There's no need for that."
Guude let him go with a push towards the ground. "Go. Go back to your bastard master and tell him you failed."
BTC hit the ground with a thud. "If I go back a failure, they'll lock me up." He took off his mask and looked up at Guude In a pleading manner.
Etho stepped In again. So it's kill Guude, or get locked up?"
BTC nodded a bit ashamed.
"What if I offer you a 3rd option?" Etho gave him a smile as BTC and Guude gave him shocked expressions. "Join us. If the Kunàn trusts you, than you must be good. We always have room for skill."
Guude shouted out, trying to persuade Etho, "What?! This guy was about to kill you while being sent to kill me about 5 minutes ago and now you're going to try and add him to our army's ranks?! You're joking, crazy, stupid or all of the above!"
Etho just looked blankly at Guude, "a skilled assassin can help in tons of ways Guude. So what do you say BTC? We can't promise the pay, but we can promise a free life."
BTC took a minute. "You're willing to forgive me...? Cause I'll join if you are, if anything, just to make up for nearly taking the wrong life."
Etho helped him up. "Welcome to the Xinlíng movement. Tell me, what do you know of poisons and such?"
"I'm going to need a garden if you're planning poisons." BTC, let up from the tension.
Guude stormed out, grumbling to himself. But an assassin could help with the promise to Beef. He decided it was for the best. Despite how little he trusted him.
-----------------------------------
Chapter 3's in! I took all the tips into account. And I think it turned out alright. I may or may not of done a randomiser with 5 options so the Bitsy option got picked. *shrugs*
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Date: Friday, July 18th, 2014 05:42 am (UTC)It seems that the capitalization has improved, how ever, i have spotted a typo:
"So it's kill Guude, or get locked up?"
You're missing the first quotation mark on this line.
Also, I personally think that while this is good in the writing, story, and concept, I think it could use a bit of polish. Perhaps a Beta? Normally having another writing style can really help with that, as everyone has their weaknesses.