Warlords

[gottaloverattatta]

This is gonna hopefully be my first multi chapter :3. Basically, the concept is we follow the mindcrackers as they fill the role of officers in the armies of ancient china (Dynasty Warriors inspiration!). Again, all the feedback is appreciated. Now then.


They stopped atop the hill. Their gaze went out to the field below. The roar that came from the battle outmatched any drum beat. It was clear that a routing was happening. "We have to help them!" The one farthest right came off with as he drew his weapon, a Cleaver the size of his torso with a piece of Beef carved in. He rushed down the hill as fast as he could. "Beef! We've gotta protect Beef, come on Etho!" The one on the left yelled and chased after, drawing his bow as he ran. "Pause! They've got no plan. Dammit!" As he made his way down the hill a bit more casually. Beef let himself be surrounded and began his brute flourishes. He spun his blade round and round, taking the lives of all who came for him. Pause stood back from the battle and began to defend the wary souls who had fought bravely for their army. His shots were accurate, taking out any who prey on the weary. Etho sat just outside the battlefield. He invited several squads in after him to which they happily obliged. They came within several yards when an explosion blasted them away. He smirked. "Planning is key."

The smaller army's morale began to soar. These 3 incredible warriors were definitely turning the tide of battle. Within the hour, they had routed the attackers. The three took their rest as the army celebrated not just their survival, but their victory. The army's commander approached them with a large grin on his face. Their eyes were drawn to his weapons. Large gauntlets made if a stone looking material came over his knuckles. "GentleMen, My name is Guude Boulderfist. It appears I owe you three something for saving my men." Pause gave the introductions. "my name is pause, that's beef, and the one back there is named etho." Beef spurted out "It wasn't a fair fight. They outnumbered you at last 2 to 1!" Guude looked towards the ground. "They didn't have to many more than us at first. I don't know what went wrong." Etho who had noticed a distinct lack of dicipline among the men offered Guude some avice. "Have you trained the men much? How many officers do you have? Numbers don't constitute a guaranteed win." Guude stared confused. "I'm the only officer. And I trained them with the basic swords and stuff. Why?" "You need a good amount of officers for dicipline and morale, and you have to train the men. Train them correctly!" Beef jumped in. "Look, some of your men are injured. Do you have a medic or something?" "No, we've lost him in the fight." Beef groaned, "come on pause. You round up the hurt ones, I'll get the medical stuff ready to go." Pause groaned but did as Beef said. "Yeeeeess Mooooom." Etho giggled at that a bit as they walked off. Guude snapped him back. "Look Etho, you three are incredibly helpful. Would you join up? Please? It's a good cause. We're trying to find a land for our own freedom. Your brains, pause's speed on the shot and beef's brute strength, these men could almost be guaranteed a land to call their own." Etho stood in silence. After several long moments, Etho decided. "We will if you get Beef and Pause to agree." Guude grinned and ran to find the other two. He was gonna beg and plead for these men if he had to.

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There's the intro/chapter 1. Leave the feedbacks if you please. I think it turned out alright. And there just might be more chapters if I ever get around to it.

Comments

[clashofdemonesense]

Interest Piqued... I like it!

Can I expect to see moar of this soon? Because I will be awaiting it eagerly!

[gottaloverattatta]

Hopefully, I can get into a good writing flow, because if I can, I will spam this story's chapters. I've been tossing this around in my head for a while so at the least, I want to get a good amount done. But yeah, you can expect a good amount. No timeframe though. .-.

[clashofdemonesense]

Even without a specific timeframe, I am excited! Spamming chapters is good!

[gottaloverattatta]

I'll see if I can get another out by the end of the night (4 am is my end of the night so plenty of time). I've been pretty excited for this one so it will probably get my full attention. Who knows? I might get into a habit and just push them to a daily thing. (God I hope I get into a daily writing thing.)

[(Anonymous)]

Im too lazy to log in, hut pretty good!

Also, remember to always tag fics as fics. You can edit tags using the first or second icon at the bottom of stories.

-Kappa

[gottaloverattatta]

Count it as fixed! :)

[fireredlily]

I like the direction the story's going, but I do have some feedback on the formatting if you don't mind?

Having all the text clumped together in big blocks like that makes it difficult to read, and will generally exhaust your readers because the mind has nowhere to rest between long lines of text. A good rule of thumb when making new paragraphs is to make one whenever a different character begins speaking, when a new event happens, or when the perspective of the story or environment shifts. :)

[gottaloverattatta]

Thank you all for the advice, I completely blanked on paragraphs guys D=

[r7]

Interesting... MOAR! (please? :) )

I really like this and I think the story is good, but the technical writing could use some work. As a few bits of advice:

1: Avoid long paragraphs. It can get tiring for the reader, as well as boring if the text in the block isn't particularly exiting. It also breaks up the flow of a story and is easy to lose your place in if you look away.

2: If someone new talks, NEW PARAGRAPH. This is a rule in traditional English grammar, and due to the fact that this is creative writing you do not necessarily have to follow it, it is a good idea. It also alleviates confusion, as you are always able to tell if a different person is talking.

3: Double check your capitalization. There are multiple instance in this story (particularly names)where capitalization is incorrect. I find it is very useful (and through) to use the Find (ctrl + F) function to detect places where you would need a capital letter. I look up all of the names I am using, and I also to a search for the sentence ending punctuation marks ( . ! ? (but I'm pretty sure you knew that)) and check the next letter to make sure all of my sentences are correct.

You might not be able to do this (or not need to), as I use Docs, and not all typing programs are the same. If you use Word, then the Find And Replace feature for the names works brilliantly, and the sentence ones are done automatically.

4: always spell your letters. In official writing (according to the traditional English rules, above disclaimer applies) all numbers are spelled out. This not only retains the flow of the passage (as a number is a different character than letters, disturbing the flow) it also provides consistency.

Otherwise, I think that you did very well, and I am eagerly awaiting the other entries!

[gottaloverattatta]

Thank you for all the helpful tips! Just one problem though, I do this from an iPod. .-. It makes all the finding of grammatical errors incredibly difficult and frustrating. But I will look around a bit more now. Thanks again!

[r7]

Ah, yeah that would make things difficult. However, if you have a working browser on the iPod (I don't know if you can, I don't have one)Docs might work, and that would help.

You're welcome! Glad to help.

[gottaloverattatta]

I'll have to check Docs then. :3

[r7]

Please do! It's underrated, but is in my opinion better than Word, except that it can't do capitalization.

[gottaloverattatta]

Well hopefully it works with an iPod, I'll try it out next thing I write and I'll tell you if it works correctly with an iPod, then we both get to know! :3