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mindcrackloveI've been lurking for a few days now and decided to try my hand at writing. Appreciate any feedback and please excuse strange word placements. I lack a computer so I do it from my ipod.
He yawned and stretched his upper torso. Spending seven hours clearing out a hole the size of Massachusetts for his next master build was tiring work. He took a seat against the wall and adjusted his goggles as he looked over his hard work. He let his eyes rest for a few small moments. Small to him anyways. When his eyes opened, the sun was setting. He panicked. He was barely kicking as it was, he wouldn't be for long it he didn't make a run for it. He shot up and ran for the exit. It got darker every second as he was sprinting. The clacks of bones and the sounds of moans followed him near as close as his own overalls. He juked to the left as a green beast appeared in front of him with a hiss. As he peaked back, he was thrown forward, the creeper did its job well. He jumped back up, trying his best to keep out of range of the walking death that chased. He saw a bridge with a beastly wall ahead and decided it was safer than turning. He made is way faster than a shark after prey over the bridge. Just before he hit the door made of pure purple mist, he felt a sharp pain hit him in the shoulders. he fell through the door and collapsed on the staircase.
She came running through the house at the sound of something slamming in her house. She stopped dead at the top of the stairs. "Oh my god!" She yelled as she ran down the steps. She dragged him to the nearest bed and started to panic. She could feel that he was still breathing which was good, but the arrow was definitely doing him in. She reached into her pack and pulled out a potion. "Lets hope he doesn't have to drink this." While yanking the arrow out. She poured a bit on the wound and covered it with a Piece of her dress she tore off. She let her breathing slow as she felt the wound start to mend. She smiled as his eyes fluttered to life. He smiled to her as she sat down beside his stomach.
He let his smile widen to a wide grin. "Sorry to drop in unexpected." "You owe me one potion of regen or something of equal to greater value" with a smile. He giggled, leaned up, and kissed her very gently. She reddened and returned his kiss. "That's much more valuable than some stupid potion." While lying down beside him. "Aurey, I'm sleepy." He got out amongst a deep yawn as he wrapped her up in his arms. She nuzzled her head into his chest. "Me too Vechs. Me too." She looked up but her words wasted. He was already snoring.
----------(Fade to black)------
That was all written as I went. But please, leave some feedback and any tips if you have em.
He yawned and stretched his upper torso. Spending seven hours clearing out a hole the size of Massachusetts for his next master build was tiring work. He took a seat against the wall and adjusted his goggles as he looked over his hard work. He let his eyes rest for a few small moments. Small to him anyways. When his eyes opened, the sun was setting. He panicked. He was barely kicking as it was, he wouldn't be for long it he didn't make a run for it. He shot up and ran for the exit. It got darker every second as he was sprinting. The clacks of bones and the sounds of moans followed him near as close as his own overalls. He juked to the left as a green beast appeared in front of him with a hiss. As he peaked back, he was thrown forward, the creeper did its job well. He jumped back up, trying his best to keep out of range of the walking death that chased. He saw a bridge with a beastly wall ahead and decided it was safer than turning. He made is way faster than a shark after prey over the bridge. Just before he hit the door made of pure purple mist, he felt a sharp pain hit him in the shoulders. he fell through the door and collapsed on the staircase.
She came running through the house at the sound of something slamming in her house. She stopped dead at the top of the stairs. "Oh my god!" She yelled as she ran down the steps. She dragged him to the nearest bed and started to panic. She could feel that he was still breathing which was good, but the arrow was definitely doing him in. She reached into her pack and pulled out a potion. "Lets hope he doesn't have to drink this." While yanking the arrow out. She poured a bit on the wound and covered it with a Piece of her dress she tore off. She let her breathing slow as she felt the wound start to mend. She smiled as his eyes fluttered to life. He smiled to her as she sat down beside his stomach.
He let his smile widen to a wide grin. "Sorry to drop in unexpected." "You owe me one potion of regen or something of equal to greater value" with a smile. He giggled, leaned up, and kissed her very gently. She reddened and returned his kiss. "That's much more valuable than some stupid potion." While lying down beside him. "Aurey, I'm sleepy." He got out amongst a deep yawn as he wrapped her up in his arms. She nuzzled her head into his chest. "Me too Vechs. Me too." She looked up but her words wasted. He was already snoring.
----------(Fade to black)------
That was all written as I went. But please, leave some feedback and any tips if you have em.
no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 07:56 am (UTC)Your cuts didn't seemed to have worked (use <*cut> and <*/cut> in HTML, just remove the "*")
Good job with the tags though, most new people seem to forget them :)
Make sure to read the rules and FAQ located on the side bar thing.
I like your story and can't wait to see what else you write! :D Hope you enjoy your stay. -hugs-
no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 08:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 08:07 am (UTC)Welcome to salad, great fic, you seem to have "is" instead of "his", and cuts are awesome and obligatory!
I suggest you read the !!!!rules and the !!!!!faq in order to get acquainted, and I hope you have a great time!
Also, long live Veylain!
no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 08:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 09:08 am (UTC)Good on you! took me a while to figure them out, too.
All Hail Veylain!
no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 03:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 04:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Wednesday, July 16th, 2014 05:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 05:37 pm (UTC)-Eclipse
no subject
Date: Tuesday, July 15th, 2014 05:46 pm (UTC)