mindcracklove | Guy in the Cloak

My first fan-fic! Sorry if its terrible... (I don't really know how to use this and I am bad at titles...)(very short)

Etho woke with a start. He felt like he was being watched. "Probably the viking, up to his old tricks again." Etho muttered to himself. He sat up in bed and looked around his neat bedroom, when something near the window caught his eye. Blood. Fresh and sticky. “What?...Anders!" He yelled, trying to remain calm. “Oh Etho…" The voice echoed through the room almost purring. “I’m not the viking”
~~~~~
"Thats three disappearances in the last week!" Pause was unusually pale. Beef and Pause were walking along a road at spawn town. "Tuesday Vechs disappeared, Thursday Nebris just vanished, and this morning Etho disappeared!" Beef kicked a stone of the path in frustration, who could have done this! The culprit had left no traces at all! Beef looked up at the sky like the clouds had the answers to all of his problems. "We have to find who did this." Pause said dragging Beef from his day dream. Beef nodded in agreement, glancing out into the trees, when a cloaked figure caught his eye.

"Hey!" Beef started running towards the hooded man, not noticing how deep he had gone into the forest. "Hey!" Beef was had almost reached him when Pause's call spun him around. "Beef wait!" Pause was panting when he had caught up. "D-did you-" "Yes Beef, I saw him, lets just find Guude and get the heck out of here!" Pause started walking out of the dark forest and was glad to hear Beef's footsteps behind him. "What do we do now? Having seen the guy who might have taken the others?" There was no response "Beef?" Pause spun around, not to find Beef walking behind him, but the hooded man.
~~~~~
"Thats two more gone, by next week there won't be anyone left!" Seth was drumming his fingers on the table. "Seth I'm feeling nervous about this... Somehow this mystery guy gets from one side of the island to the other in less than four hours! How is that even possible?" Guudes pacing quickened.

And then it hit him like a ton of bricks.

This 'guy' wasn't working alone.

Seth raised his eyebrows at the sight of Guudes expression. "Hes not working alone."
~~~~~

So? Would you guys like a part two? I hope you enjoyed it,

Current Mood: happy

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

justicetom

I like it, but you should probably put a cut.
< cut> (Text here) </ cut> No spaces

From:

naomeep

This is really good! Please continue this

From:

bookworm2692

Moar, moar, moar. But next time, add a cut please. The rule here is that all fics (no matter how short) go behind cuts. Just edit it the way Tom told you, and you'll be fine, Falling :D

From:

yamina_chan

People have allready mentioned the cut, so you should edid the post accordingly at some point =)

Also, pro tip: Authors notes (Such as "this is my first story") should be below the cut as well. It is always better to give a little summary of the story before the cut, because that is what will make people decide whether they want to read something or not.

Okay, on to the story feedback:
He sat up in bed and looked around his neat bedroom (...)
A bedroom can ne neat indeed, but you should leave that word out of this sentence. You are describing an action here, not the feeling of a place. While it is always good to have describtions hidden in action, this is not how you do it. You can use it to describe visible factors, not thoughs of feelings of an area. (So for example instead of neat you could have words like dark, small, old etc.)

He yelled, trying to remain calm.
Er... That's contradicting itself. Yelling is the loudest form of verbal expression with actual words. If you are yelling, you are long past the calm state of mind, so he can't "remain" calm.

"Thats three disappearances in the last week!" Pause was unusually pale. Beef and Pause were walking along a road at spawn town.
The describtion of where they are feels a little like it was just added as an afterthought, since you mentioned Pause in the sentence before.
I'd suggest you add some information here. Or combine some of the things.
(For example: 'Beef and Pause were walking along a road at spawn town, discussing the recent events.' or 'Beef and Pause were walking trough the spawn town together, the later beeiing unsually pale.' or something along those lines.)

Beef kicked a stone of the path in frustration, who could have done this!
Okay, first of all: you are mixing the narrator with Beefs thoughts here. That's a no-no. Second, 'Who could have done this' is a question, and as such it needs a questionmark, not an exclamation mark at the end.

The culprit had left no traces at all! Beef looked up at the sky like the clouds had the answers to all of his problems.
"as if", not "like". And also, should it not be their problems? Or their questions? The dissapearance of his friends is not a personal problem, like loosing one of your belongings for example.

"We have to find who did this."
'find out, who' not 'find who'.
Also, you really need to work with some "titles"/"other describtions" for people, instead of repeating the name again and again and again.

On a side note, I find it hillarious that Beef runs after the hooded figure without warning and Pause is the one that's against the blind chase, wanting to inform Guude.
To me it feels like the roles have been swapped arround Xb

Somehow this mystery guy gets from one side of the island to the other in less than four hours! How is that even possible?"
...Nether? Also, why do they suddenly know that 'a guy' is responsible for this? We know Beef and Pause saw someone. But they both are missing now and had no time to tell anyone about what they saw.
If someone else saw the cloaked figure, you've neglegted to say who, when and how. Yes, it is one of those stories where the reader is thrown into the middle of the action, but even then there has to be some information to be given.
But as it stands, people are vanishing without clues as to how. So this deduction by Seht and Guude does not make a lot of sense.