mindcracklove | (APRIL FOOLS 2014) "UHC: Foundation" Season 1; Episode 13 -- Vestibulum Mortis

I'm going to be up front with you happy lot: I was dreading this installment. Worse, it proved difficult to write, and I had to really drag in the assistance of my A-Team on this one. Even now, I'm still not exactly happy with it.

Now, I'm not a fan of posting raw, unfinished work, but I really do feel like I owe you guys for putting up with my madness and rampant hiatuses, so for the sake of keeping to my posting schedule at all costs, I will hazard posting up a rough draft of this week's installment. My apologies in advance if this isn't polished enough for your tastes; on my honor, I will update the text in this post when a more polished version is ready. I hope you guys enjoy this regardless. <3

Now the housekeeping: as a refresher for long-time followers of the series and a reference for those who are new, "UHC: Foundation" is a long-running series set in the expansive 'Severance' alternate universe and follows the fates of that universe's incarnations of the Minecrafters we've come to love and respect. As per protocol, for further information and reading, refer to the World Dossier (here) and the compiled story/serial document (here; alternatively, one can follow the story through here.)

"There is nothing new under the sun."

=====

A Game of Death

Zisteau and Kurt sat together at the bar, each relaxing happily over their own bottles of scotch. Anderz was there as well, sitting a few feet away, heavily derped and intoxicated over his own beverage of choice and shouting slurred words as he drank.

It was calm. Eerie, almost. Quiet.

Too quiet, even for this time of night.

This uneasy silence was broken when the back wall of the bar exploded. Emerging from the broken splinters and debris were giant angry robot monsters. Coated in midnight black armor, they charged forward at the unassuming Mindcrackers.

Anderz, however, would have none of it, standing up and swinging wildly at them while loudly belting a Swedish battle hymn.

“För jag älskar att se er le, le, le. (Det gör jag!)

Ni fyller mig med solsken varje dag. (Det är sant!)

För jag vill bara se er le, le, le.

Ja det älskar jag att se!”

Despite his usual strength, the alcohol was clearly getting to him. The viking barely made a dent in the robots’ armor before a side swipe from one sent him sprawling.

“That doesn’t… seem good…” Kurt gulped, standing up from his seat. “You think we can take them, Zisteau?”

Zisteau snorted. “Oink.”

“You think they drugged our scotch? What makes you - oh, I’m feeling it.”

The zombified pig-humanoid snorted again. “Oink.”

The robots’ heads turned in their direction, the dimmed light shining ominously on the shiny material.

“Oink.”

“Yeah, we’re… finished…” Kurt trailed off, his sentence barely finished before his head hit the ground. Zisteau followed soon afterwards.

The little rainbow-dyed sheep that had been lying on the wood flooring besides the duo baaed. He nudged the unconscious Kurt with his nose, baaing again in worry when he didn’t respond. The robots closed in.

---

“Nao… tells us again, ro-bot. What’d ya do t’ ahr friends?” The hermit demanded of his tied-up electronic prisoner.

The black armored machine stared straight ahead. “A storm is coming.”

“Please Mr. Robot Friend, cooperate with us on this? Help me find John? Pleeeeeeease?” Pungeance widened his eyes and gave a well-practiced puppy dog pout.

“A storm is coming.”

“Shaddup, Joe-boy. We ain’ gettin nowhar with this un.” Generik got an evil glint in his eye. “Bring in that thar tank o’ las’r sharks.”

“A storm is coming.”

“We know!”

“No but don’t you get it I’m not allowed to say anything else and therefore your torture methods won’t do anything a storm is coming goodbye.” The bot’s head spun and twirled around for a moment, before exploding in a mess of smoke and sparks. Its remains landed with a thud in the corner.

“Huh.” The duo stared in dismay at the pile of burnt metal. “Well that di’n’ werk.”

---

Guude could tell he was laying on the floor, the cold tiles pressing hard against his head. He tried to remember how he’d gotten… wherever the hell he was.

He remembered… robots. Big angry black machines chasing him. He remembered running as fast as he could possibly go, trying to outpace them… He also remembered something shiny laying on the ground and pausing briefly to inspect it.

And then… darkness.

“Hey. Hey. Hey.” Something prodded him sharply in his side. “Hey.”

“Waaaaaat.”

“Hey. Wake up!” As he wearily blinked his eyes open, Pause’s blurry face came into view. “Hey.”

“Wad’ya fskn’ wan’?”

“We’ve been kiiiiidnapped.” The native looked around. “It’s creepy in here.”

“On a scale of one to yer fsking face, how creepy?”

“CREEPY.”

“‘Kay, ‘kay, godfskndam’t, I’m up.” Guude halfheartedly threw himself to his feet, looking around at what appeared to be some kind of abandoned jail cell. He was surrounded by his fellow VPF compatriots, some still unconscious and others as wide awake as Pause was.

A terrifying maniacal laughter filled the room, jolting the rest of his sleeping companions to the waking world… except for Anderz, who was still snoring loudly nearby.

A dark shadow materialized on the other side of the cell’s bars. The figure stepped forward into the light, revealing a petite asian woman (although she spoke with enough sass to make up for her size).

“Greetings!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms wide.

Avidya spoke up from the crowd. “Hey, that’s my line!”

“Quiet.” She flung her arms wide again. “I…. am Isis! And you guys are gonna play my game tonight. Also you all signed a contract in blood so you can’t get out of it if you wanted to.”

“We nev’r fsk’n signed a fsk’n contract!” Guude protested.

“Do you remember that trip for 25 to Hawaii you all applied for?”

“Yeah.”

“That was a hoax!”

The crowd gasped. “You monster!”

“Yes, yes, I know… Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering why you’re here.”

“Oink.”

“I know it’s obvious, but this is exposition, so shut up. You are all going to be pit to the death for the entertainment of… well, me. And maybe a few people out somewhere on Minecraftia, but not too many. And my former Broadway star hottie bf. But mostly me.”

She grinned venomously at them. “Let the games begin!”

---

“Y’all should contact ‘im.”

“But he’s a jerk!”

“Bu’ y’all should still tot’ly contact ‘im.”

“Eh… fine.”

---

Guude found himself once more in a strange location - this time, it appeared to be some sort of wilderness, although in the distance he could see large walls reaching up and out of view.

After a moment of shuffling around, he noticed that a headset was clamped onto his ear. It booted up with a beeping sound, before a suave voice started singing.

“Hello gentlemen, welcome to my lair.

I'm sure from your viewpoint this seems so unfair,

but I assure you I won’t leave any of you unprepared

so I say let’s go on with the show!

An arena to compete, an audience too,

millions upon millions sitting there to view.

I say you go forth and show what is true,

who is truly the best of you all.

Minecraftia’s chaos now that I have appeared

instilling within an unstable fear.

Am I far from home or am I near-o?

Allow me to introduce myself - I am Zero.”

Guude blinked in confusion, before he started to protest. “Nao, I dunno jus’ who in tha’ flyin’ fsk ya think y’are here, asshole, but I -”

“Dear General, I don’t see what the problem here is,

you’ll go forth to find the traitor in your midst,

not to mention the murder you’ll never admit,

such a simple task I present.

And ignore those headsets that sit on your head,

they’re merely there to comfort while on your deathbed,

don’t be filled with such an insatiable dread,

as removal will invite your demise.

From fifteen to one you’ve got time to wait

for all but the victor will be turning up ‘late’.

Am I speaking a lie or am I leading you straight?

That’s all up for you to decide.

Now it is time for Mindcrack to contend,

brother against brother, friend against friend,

and maybe eventually we’ll reach the end…

So I say let’s get on with the show!”

Another beep sounded through the headset before Zero went silent, leaving Guude alone with his thoughts.

---

A knock rang once, twice, before the metal door blew completely off its hinges.

The tall, confident man strode into the room, sunglasses perched on his face and trenchcoat flowing behind him. “Hey guys.”

“VECHS!” A call went out from the collective room before a good half the people there lept at him. He simply smiled and stood to the side as they dogpiled, missing him by a good foot or more.

“I have come to fix everything,” he announced. Almost floating, Vechs walked over to the nearby computer and sat down. His fingers flew across the keys for a few seconds. The mysterious dancing letters across the screen came to a halt and he smiled.

“I de-encrypted the modus, pinpointed the arena, and also did Paul’s son’s homework for him.” Everyone stared, while Vechs just kept smiling.

---

Anderz, Avidya and Pakratt mined solemnly at the hard stone wall.

A chunk of coal fell out from Avidya’s strike. “So… how about those zombies?”

The other two simply nodded.

---

His head was throbbing. At first he thought it was from pain, but after a moment Guude realized it was the beat of the music.

The other Mindcrackers surrounded him in the room, each dancing to the rhythm in slightly stranger ways than the last.

Herobrine, for whatever reason, was standing in the center of the room and joining an enderman in Gangnam Style.

Guude kept dancing, his feet moving faster and faster and faster with the beat of the music until he couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything besides dance...

Maaaan, he thought as his eyes flew open. He had only drifted to sleep in his little tree-cave hideaway. I really should stop eatin’ sushi befer bed -

*THUMP*

A paw hand—weathered and patterned with silver fur from age—landed firmly upon the pages of the tome, interrupting just as firmly the author’s frenetic scribbling. A pencil was jarred loose from smaller paw hands, unpracticed fingers fumbling from the interruption, so focused on the task at hand that their first priority was to desperately keep their grip on the wayward writing utensil.

“Nako ba’e1,” a wise, elderly voice spoke, the tone a mix of disappointed and unamused. The smaller paw hands caught the pencil at the last moment and froze. “Were you even paying attention?”

“Maybe?” a far younger voice responded, equal parts sheepish and cheeky. The little paw hands fiddled around with the pencil in between clawed fingers for a moment before one paw hand grabbed hold of a nervously swishing tail of tawny gold fur.

“Ears and tail, nako2,” the elder spoke, not buying for a moment the child’s attempt at lying while the grizzled paw-hands picked up the little one’s tome with the full intent of inspecting the pages and their inspired contents.

The child winced slightly as the elder pulled out a red pen and began marking the text.

“Irreverence. No respect for the subjects observed. Unnecessary exaggeration of events … and lyrics to a song, of all things. Really, dear daughter?”

“It was getting boring, Mata3!” the child cried out in her defense, failing to hide her whining tone. She quickly attempted to play the logic card. “Besides, isn’t it our job to make presenting history interesting? I’m just doing the job you’re teaching me!”

“Our duty, nako, is to preserve history and help the generations to remember the lessons it teaches us,” the elder corrected with a contrasting calm, her eyes never leaving the tome and still applying red-marks all over the child’s text. “Further, in our hands is the ability to influence the course of history—and that means that there will be times when the lives of whom we record will be in our hands.” The elder closed the tome and set it down on the table in front of her student. “Utter disregard and disrespect like the kind you have displayed here will more often than not spell disaster in the long run … or worse, cause the destruction of a world.”

The little chronicler lowered her feline face and looked down, setting down her pencil and wringing her paws. “No one told me that …” she mumbled, an edge of disbelief in her voice.

The elder simply walked around the child’s desk and sat down next to little one. “That is what I was trying to teach you today, nako,” the elder spoke, her tone changing from reprimanding to quiet and respectful. “There is more to being a chronicler than simply writing what you see; there is a great responsibility that our vocation has been charged with. Our powers aren’t to be used for reckless entertainment.”

An exhaled sigh and theatrically rolled eyes was the child’s immediate response. “… because we can destroy a world if we’re not careful. I get it.” The child looked up her teacher with a devil-may-care demeanor and a hint of defiance. “If that were true, why should I care?”

There was a forlorn expression on the elder’s face, as if though she were painfully aware of the very same consequences the little laissez-faire chronicler-initiate before her were so blithely dismissing. “We face a fate worse than death if a world were to disintegrate because we were too careless with our charge.”

The little one wasn’t convinced yet. “Learning all these rules and stuff is a fate worse than death already, Mata,” the young chronicler retorted, glaring at all the red marks her teacher scribbled into her tome. She shut the book and shoved it aside. “Can I go home now? I want to watch more of the Terrans be all stupid and make me laugh than sit here and watch reruns of them being smart and boring.”

It was hard to tell if the elder was exasperated or just quietly disappointed as she watched her student bluster out of the library.

<She will learn in time,> a distinctly masculine presence assured the elder.

The elder only sighed and began putting away the child’s study materials. “I know she will, love.” She shook her head. “But I also know what it will take for her to learn.”

A contemplative pause in the elder’s movements indicated her acknowledgement of her companion’s advice. “Perhaps. I just can’t help but wonder what we chroniclers would be like if we truly understood our duty and be spared the consequences in turn … if we could learn more readily from the mistakes of our forebears.”

The elder looked through the child’s tome again and glanced at the library’s door still left ajar, her expression a combination of wistful reverie and stoic pity. “Of course. As always. … as it should be.” With that, she set the child’s tome on top of her own before leaving the room herself.

The presence was the last one to fade. He casually leafed through both tomes, chuckling with a cosmic awareness as he set the tomes down and flickered out of existence again.

(notes)

1Nako ba’e — literally ‘girl child’ in the language of the Chroniclers. Can be translated as ‘little one’ or ‘dear daughter’ depending on the context.

2Nako — ‘child’

3Mata — Literally ‘mother’. In most contexts, used as an honorific to address a feminine authority figure, not necessarily for an immediate blood maternal relative.

~||~

(Author's Note)
Lioness: Bwahaha! April Fool's, all!

Elfy: As you might’ve guessed, this isn’t actually the first draft of a Foundation chapter… And, as you also may or may not have guessed, Lioness didn’t write the majority of this parody. It was meeeeee, Elfy (elfowlgirl) who offered to do it for April Fools’ Day. Including Zero’s song, which I will remain forever proud of. (I didn’t write Anderz’ battle hymn, just google/translate it if you haven’t already :P) So, uh… Happy April Fools! We now return you to your regular fic.

Lioness: Which will be ... next week. *cheeky grin*

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Author's Box (FAQ):
"What is the Severance Universe?" -- The Severance Universe is the setting for the 'UHC: Foundation' serial. Read all the previous chaptersodes here or here and read more info and lore click here.

Severance Universe One Shots:
SUOS 001 - Hat
SUOS 002 - Descent and Denial
SUOS 003 - Into This World
SUOS 004 - Hostility

We do more than just the SevU. Here are other stories for you happy lot to check out!
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