Fic: Honesty
Thursday, September 20th, 2012 05:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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mindcrackloveThis thing has been kicking my ass for days. Altverse, Kurt/Zisteau, set the day of Zisteau and Beef's caving challenge and Kurt's day of falling. Usual disclaimers; I know nothing and this is all made up. Warnings for sappiness and odd scene breaks.
Zisteau placed the stacks of newly-won ores into a storage chest, and closed the piston wall with a smirk. It had been a good evening's work. Beating Beef in the caving challenge had been very satisfying. In fact, it was pretty close to being a perfect day.
It had however taken some effort for him not to be distracted by the repeated notifications of Kurt hitting the ground. Even though death in this world was barely temporary, it was still at best uncomfortable, especially after a lot of deaths in a short space of time. From his own experiments measuring fall damage from various heights, he knew that Kurt was probably feeling pretty sore right now.
He knew what he'd been doing; trying to remove the floating ice blocks from the silo. Beef's prank had been pretty clever on the whole. Apart from the wolf. Privately, Zisteau thought that had been in bad taste. He'd watched Kurt's reaction video closely, and fortunately he genuinely seemed to be amused.
Just as well for Beef. Thought Zisteau to himself. I would have given him an earful, at the very least. Beating him at his own challenge was sweet enough though. But if he'd upset Kurt at all...
He sighed. Kurt didn't need defending. For all his shyness, he was very capable and self-sufficient, and had a quietly determined drive to improve himself. He was also a damn good person to have at your back in a fight. None of that made the slightest bit of difference to the fact that Zisteau's first instinct was a protective one.
It had been pretty obvious to himself for a while now that he was starting to care for Kurt as more than a friend. He'd quietly kept it to himself though, for a lot of reasons. Kurt was still intensely private about some things, his relationships being one of them, so Zisteau was down to guesswork and observation as to where the other man was on that sort of thing. He knew Kurt was close to BDoubleO, and it wasn't an impossibility that there was something more intimate between them - it wasn't a secret that Bdubs and Guude were open about such things. By his own admission, Kurt was accustomed to and content being alone, so it was also possible he had no desire for any type of relationship. Whatever the circumstances actually were, the last thing Zisteau wanted was to make things complicated. He genuinely valued Kurt's friendship and didn't want to jepordise that, even if the tangible spark between them kept making his mind wander to thoughts of more.
He settled himself down into a chair and flipped his computer on, deciding to see what the others had been uploading today. At the top of the recent videos list was "Kurt - Mindcrack #19", timestamped just an hour ago. Zisteau frowned slightly. That was a very quick upload. He brought the video up to fullscreen and hit play.
Half an hour later, he sat feeling slightly numb.
That was probably the most painfully honest video Kurt had ever made. He'd touched on a lot of his insecurities, and he'd also left a lot of things unsaid. It also sounded like he'd been more than one glass into that wine that he mentioned.
Slipping his phone out of his pocket, Zisteau dialled the number and waited. Even if Kurt was fine, he just wanted to put his own mind at rest.
On the third ring, Kurt answered. "Hello!" he said, in a bright sing-song voice.
"Hey man."
"Hey yourself. What can I do for you?"
"Just seeing how you're doing after all the VintageBeef's you pulled today."
Kurt chuckled, a strange sort of cheeriness. "Fine. Sore." Another chuckle. "I blew up the sheep."
"And yourself, I noticed."
"Ha, yeah, didn't quite mean to do that. Good result though, I didn't want that cobble floor anyway. You were right, TNT is fun." More chuckling.
"Kurt... are you drunk?"
"I don't know. Does a whole bottle of wine count? Possibly. Hm."
Zisteau closed his eyes briefly. He's okay, right? He doesn't need you to worry about him. "So, what are you up to now?"
"I'm watching OOG. They're even more entertaining when you're in the same frame of mind as they were when they were recording." There was a sound suspciously like a giggle.
"I'm going to drop over and see you, okay?" Just for my own peace of mind. That's all.
"Sure."
*****
Kurt was sitting on the steps outside the storage room when Zisteau arrived. His shirt was untucked and his tie hung loosely around his neck. He smiled as the other man approached, but the odd cheeriness from earlier was gone. Instead there was a sense of sadness about him, and the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. He looked like someone who was trying very, very hard to pretend he was okay.
Zisteau sat down beside him. Damn his instincts.
A long minute passed in silence.
"What's wrong, Kurt?" He asked gently. "You really haven't been yourself lately."
Kurt smiled ruefully. "I can't hide anything from you, can I? So... no... I guess I haven't." He took a breath, and seemed to be gathering his thoughts for a moment. "Have you ever... tried to change something, and ended up screwing everything else up?"
"I'm pretty sure I have, yeah." Zisteau smiled softly. "Why?"
"Because that's what my life feels like right now."
Zisteau put a hand on his shoulder, feeling him tense under his fingertips. Kurt took a breath, and rubbed at his eyes before continuing.
"I just, ah... I felt like I was finally getting somewhere. Myself, the broadcasting, my life, everything. Like it was all finally falling into place... and just maybe I was allowed to be happy now." He drew a shaky breath. "Then, it all goes wrong somehow. I lost Wolfie. I'm starting to lose my hair. And having friends has only made me realize... I don't want to be alone now."
He sounded lost, and strangely resigned. His head hung low between his shoulders, face hidden in his hands. It was like he'd just given up, and it made Zisteau's heart ache to see it.
He took Kurt gently by the shoulders, thumbs rubbing the slim, tense muscles, turning the other man towards him. Kurt still didn't look at him, doing his best to turn away without actually moving.
"Kurt... c'mon, look at me."
Kurt finally lifted his head. His cheeks were flushed pink and his eyes were hazy, whether from the wine or emotion or both.
Zisteau spoke softly, carefully trying to keep his own feelings in check. "You're not alone. You have all of us."
Kurt shook his head sadly. "No... not alone like that." The look in his eyes spoke volumes. "It didn't really matter for a long time... but now it does." He swallowed hard. "...and I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do now."
Firmly ignoring the part of his mind that was shouting at him to either shake some sense into Kurt or possibly just kiss him, Zisteau kept his gaze and voice level. "...why can't you be with someone, if that's what you want?"
"Because I don't believe I'm worth it. Because I can't believe anyone would want me." He trembled slightly. "...And I'm even afraid of my own feelings, because I'm such a coward." He tried to turn away then, but Zisteau wouldn't let him.
"No, you're not a coward. Look how far you've come already. You've been to the moon and fought in UHC. You're always trying so hard to better yourself. You've faced things you're afraid of, and you've done them anyway." He smiled softly. "That makes you anything but a coward."
Kurt wouldn't look at him. "But it still hurts.. to finally understand what you want, and not think you can have or deserve it."
Zisteau couldn't find any words. Instead he simply pulled Kurt close against his chest, and wrapped him tightly in his arms. Kurt's head dropped limply onto his shoulder, just letting himself be hugged. Gradually, Zisteau felt arms hesitantly curl around him, and held him closer in response, stroking the too-tense muscles in his back.
Then he felt something damp against his shoulder, and his heart broke.
He wasn't sure how long he stayed there like that, holding Kurt in his arms while silent tears seeped into his shirt, but he didn't care. Eventually, Kurt drew back a little, but didn't let go.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
Zisteau shook his head. "Shh, you have nothing to be sorry for."
Kurt scrubbed a hand over his face. "No, I do. You... I didn't want you to see me like this."
"Why?" Zisteau gently rubbed a damp trace from Kurt's cheek with the pad of his thumb. He couldn't miss the way Kurt shuddered, screwing his eyes shut, unable to keep his feelings hidden any longer.
"Because it's you."
Zisteau felt torn. As much as it lifted him to realize that Kurt had just admitted to feeling something more than friendship for him, it was heartbreaking to see that the other man believed he didn't deserve to have those feelings returned. It felt as though he had just been handed something very delicate, something he would have to handle carefully, but directly. There was no skirting around it now.
"And... you believe you don't deserve me? Or that I couldn't feel that way about you too?" He said softly.
Kurt flared pink, even slightly drunk it was almost jarring to hear it spoken out loud. He shrugged, miserably. "Both." He looked away.
"So how can I change your mind? How do I make you believe that I do feel that way, and that you are worth it?" He brushed Kurt's cheek again, watching the eyes that flicked back to him suddenly fill with surprise and hope... and then turn equally quickly to sadness. Kurt swallowed hard, trying to force his emotions back down.
"I don't know if you can." He said quietly.
*****
Kurt slowly blinked his eyes open, feeling conciousness seep back into his limbs. Slowly, he looked around. He was lying on top of the covers on his small bed, still dressed, clothes crumpled from being slept in. He pulled himself up to sitting, slowly, aware of a dull headache making itself known.
He rubbed his temples gingerly, trying to sort through the jumble in his mind. He obviously hadn't been nearly as drunk as he'd wanted to be, because it took very little for him to remember last night. All the things that had been weighing on his mind. Making the video. Falling. A phone call. Zisteau. Admitting everything. One overwhelming moment when he'd thought that what he'd wanted might be possible... and then feeling all his own insecurities and fears crush any hope that he could reach out for it.
He cursed himself inwardly. God he was hopeless.
A sound from just outside made him frown. Now he noticed, his door was open, and there was a spare blanket folded neatly on his chair that wasn't usually there. Pulling himself carefully to his feet, he walked slightly unsteadily outside.
Zisteau was seated on the bench nearby, a mug of coffee cradled in his hands. He looked up, not able to help grinning at the look of complete surprise that Kurt utterly failed to keep off his face.
"Hey, you're awake." His voice sounded slightly rough. "Here, I made coffee. You okay?" He indicated the pot and second cup next to him.
Hesitantly, Kurt sat down. Why on earth is he here? He... he didn't stay all night did he? After I made a complete fool of myself? He picked up the second mug and took a sip.
"Ah... yeah. Thanks." He said gratefully, unsure what was quite going on. He concentrated on the coffee instead.
He was a little over halfway through his cup when Zisteau spoke again.
"Kurt... we should talk."
Kurt stared into his cup. "Yeah." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I made an idiot of myself last night. I didn't mean for you to find out like that, and if it's going to make things horribly awkward for us to still be friends I understand."
He looked up in surprise as Zisteau chuckled.
"Oh, Kurt." He shook his head, putting down his empty cup. "I knew you'd probably say something like that." He sighed quietly. "I want you to listen to me for a minute, okay?"
Kurt nodded, not trusting himself to speak anymore just at the moment.
"First, I need you to know that I meant what I said last night." His voice softened. "I do care about you as more than just a friend... I have for a while now. I don't know where it started, but I won't try and pretend it isn't there, and I don't think you should, either. I'm not going to stop being your friend because of it."
Kurt bit his lip, his cheeks turning pink. "So what do we do now?"
"I guess that depends on you." He smiled softly as Kurt glanced up at him, seeing the same fight between hope and insecurity in his eyes again. "I'd like to see where this could go, if that's what you want."
Kurt felt his face colouring even more.
"I... it is. But..."
"But you don't trust yourself, and it's making you afraid."
Kurt looked away. Zisteau reached over and gently turned his face back toward him.
"It's okay. Feelings can be like that. Whatever happens, I'll always be here for you, I promise that. Know why? Because you're a good person who doesn't give themselves enough credit, or realize how amazing they can be. And you deserve to be happy."
He dropped his hand, but his eyes held Kurt's.
"This has to be your decision, and I won't push you for an answer either way. I just need you to be honest with yourself."
He sat back slowly. "Okay?"
Kurt nodded slowly, feeling slightly overwhelmed by everything. "Yeah."
Zisteau caught sight of his watch and cursed under his breath. "Damn, I should be getting back, I have a whole lot of recording set up today."
Kurt half-smiled. They both knew he needed time to think. Zisteau stretched a kink out of his shoulder as he stood up. "Look after yourself, okay?"
"I will. Ah.... Zisteau?"
"Hm?"
"... thanks."
With a smile, Zisteau made his way up the stairs and out of sight.
Kurt swirled the remains of his coffee around, staring at it as though a solution would magically reveal itself. He envied the way Zisteau could be so sure of himself. He wouldn't have stayed here all night if he didn't care. If I can trust his feelings, why can't I trust my own?
*****
High up on the Lens, Zisteau studied his latest set of blueprints thoughtfully. He still wasn't completely happy with the design, but it was an improvement.
He'd carefully kept himself busy all day. Having his mind and hands occupied left less time for his thoughts to wander. He had absolutely meant it when he'd told Kurt he wouldn't pressure him to make up his mind, so he tried not to think about it. Even if he admitted to himself that there was an answer he was hoping for.
Asking Kurt to be truly honest with himself was as much for his own benefit as for the other other man's. The previous night had only endeared Kurt to him even more, and if they started down that road there was a very real possibility that he would fall for him, and fall hard. If Kurt decided later on that it was a mistake... well, it would hurt them both that much more.
The faint snap of pistons caught his attention, one platform triggering after another as somebody teleported up the Endervator. Zisteau stayed where he was, and waited.
A figure in a blue suit blinked into view on the top platform.
He watched as Kurt strode towards him down the narrow path, coat fluttering behind him in the breeze, 3D glasses hiding his eyes. A few meters away he slipped the glasses off, dropping them aside to fall away toward the ground far below.
Then slim hands were cupping his face, and Kurt was kissing him. It was firm, determined, nothing like the gentle hesitancy he might have expected, but all the more delicious for it. Zisteau slipped his arms underneath Kurt's long coat, pulling him closer as their tongues slid against each other. After several long, breathless seconds they broke apart.
Zisetau held on to Kurt tightly, feeling the slight shakiness in his body, realizing just how much it had taken for him to do this. He smiled as Kurt rested his forehead against his, out of breath but making no move to let go.
"Well."
"Yeah."
Kurt took a deep breath. "I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how to keep believing in myself, or if I'll ever think that I'm worthwhile. But... I know that if anyone can convince me, it's you. It just... might take a while."
Zisteau smiled.
"For you, I have all the time in the world."
Zisteau placed the stacks of newly-won ores into a storage chest, and closed the piston wall with a smirk. It had been a good evening's work. Beating Beef in the caving challenge had been very satisfying. In fact, it was pretty close to being a perfect day.
It had however taken some effort for him not to be distracted by the repeated notifications of Kurt hitting the ground. Even though death in this world was barely temporary, it was still at best uncomfortable, especially after a lot of deaths in a short space of time. From his own experiments measuring fall damage from various heights, he knew that Kurt was probably feeling pretty sore right now.
He knew what he'd been doing; trying to remove the floating ice blocks from the silo. Beef's prank had been pretty clever on the whole. Apart from the wolf. Privately, Zisteau thought that had been in bad taste. He'd watched Kurt's reaction video closely, and fortunately he genuinely seemed to be amused.
Just as well for Beef. Thought Zisteau to himself. I would have given him an earful, at the very least. Beating him at his own challenge was sweet enough though. But if he'd upset Kurt at all...
He sighed. Kurt didn't need defending. For all his shyness, he was very capable and self-sufficient, and had a quietly determined drive to improve himself. He was also a damn good person to have at your back in a fight. None of that made the slightest bit of difference to the fact that Zisteau's first instinct was a protective one.
It had been pretty obvious to himself for a while now that he was starting to care for Kurt as more than a friend. He'd quietly kept it to himself though, for a lot of reasons. Kurt was still intensely private about some things, his relationships being one of them, so Zisteau was down to guesswork and observation as to where the other man was on that sort of thing. He knew Kurt was close to BDoubleO, and it wasn't an impossibility that there was something more intimate between them - it wasn't a secret that Bdubs and Guude were open about such things. By his own admission, Kurt was accustomed to and content being alone, so it was also possible he had no desire for any type of relationship. Whatever the circumstances actually were, the last thing Zisteau wanted was to make things complicated. He genuinely valued Kurt's friendship and didn't want to jepordise that, even if the tangible spark between them kept making his mind wander to thoughts of more.
He settled himself down into a chair and flipped his computer on, deciding to see what the others had been uploading today. At the top of the recent videos list was "Kurt - Mindcrack #19", timestamped just an hour ago. Zisteau frowned slightly. That was a very quick upload. He brought the video up to fullscreen and hit play.
Half an hour later, he sat feeling slightly numb.
That was probably the most painfully honest video Kurt had ever made. He'd touched on a lot of his insecurities, and he'd also left a lot of things unsaid. It also sounded like he'd been more than one glass into that wine that he mentioned.
Slipping his phone out of his pocket, Zisteau dialled the number and waited. Even if Kurt was fine, he just wanted to put his own mind at rest.
On the third ring, Kurt answered. "Hello!" he said, in a bright sing-song voice.
"Hey man."
"Hey yourself. What can I do for you?"
"Just seeing how you're doing after all the VintageBeef's you pulled today."
Kurt chuckled, a strange sort of cheeriness. "Fine. Sore." Another chuckle. "I blew up the sheep."
"And yourself, I noticed."
"Ha, yeah, didn't quite mean to do that. Good result though, I didn't want that cobble floor anyway. You were right, TNT is fun." More chuckling.
"Kurt... are you drunk?"
"I don't know. Does a whole bottle of wine count? Possibly. Hm."
Zisteau closed his eyes briefly. He's okay, right? He doesn't need you to worry about him. "So, what are you up to now?"
"I'm watching OOG. They're even more entertaining when you're in the same frame of mind as they were when they were recording." There was a sound suspciously like a giggle.
"I'm going to drop over and see you, okay?" Just for my own peace of mind. That's all.
"Sure."
*****
Kurt was sitting on the steps outside the storage room when Zisteau arrived. His shirt was untucked and his tie hung loosely around his neck. He smiled as the other man approached, but the odd cheeriness from earlier was gone. Instead there was a sense of sadness about him, and the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. He looked like someone who was trying very, very hard to pretend he was okay.
Zisteau sat down beside him. Damn his instincts.
A long minute passed in silence.
"What's wrong, Kurt?" He asked gently. "You really haven't been yourself lately."
Kurt smiled ruefully. "I can't hide anything from you, can I? So... no... I guess I haven't." He took a breath, and seemed to be gathering his thoughts for a moment. "Have you ever... tried to change something, and ended up screwing everything else up?"
"I'm pretty sure I have, yeah." Zisteau smiled softly. "Why?"
"Because that's what my life feels like right now."
Zisteau put a hand on his shoulder, feeling him tense under his fingertips. Kurt took a breath, and rubbed at his eyes before continuing.
"I just, ah... I felt like I was finally getting somewhere. Myself, the broadcasting, my life, everything. Like it was all finally falling into place... and just maybe I was allowed to be happy now." He drew a shaky breath. "Then, it all goes wrong somehow. I lost Wolfie. I'm starting to lose my hair. And having friends has only made me realize... I don't want to be alone now."
He sounded lost, and strangely resigned. His head hung low between his shoulders, face hidden in his hands. It was like he'd just given up, and it made Zisteau's heart ache to see it.
He took Kurt gently by the shoulders, thumbs rubbing the slim, tense muscles, turning the other man towards him. Kurt still didn't look at him, doing his best to turn away without actually moving.
"Kurt... c'mon, look at me."
Kurt finally lifted his head. His cheeks were flushed pink and his eyes were hazy, whether from the wine or emotion or both.
Zisteau spoke softly, carefully trying to keep his own feelings in check. "You're not alone. You have all of us."
Kurt shook his head sadly. "No... not alone like that." The look in his eyes spoke volumes. "It didn't really matter for a long time... but now it does." He swallowed hard. "...and I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do now."
Firmly ignoring the part of his mind that was shouting at him to either shake some sense into Kurt or possibly just kiss him, Zisteau kept his gaze and voice level. "...why can't you be with someone, if that's what you want?"
"Because I don't believe I'm worth it. Because I can't believe anyone would want me." He trembled slightly. "...And I'm even afraid of my own feelings, because I'm such a coward." He tried to turn away then, but Zisteau wouldn't let him.
"No, you're not a coward. Look how far you've come already. You've been to the moon and fought in UHC. You're always trying so hard to better yourself. You've faced things you're afraid of, and you've done them anyway." He smiled softly. "That makes you anything but a coward."
Kurt wouldn't look at him. "But it still hurts.. to finally understand what you want, and not think you can have or deserve it."
Zisteau couldn't find any words. Instead he simply pulled Kurt close against his chest, and wrapped him tightly in his arms. Kurt's head dropped limply onto his shoulder, just letting himself be hugged. Gradually, Zisteau felt arms hesitantly curl around him, and held him closer in response, stroking the too-tense muscles in his back.
Then he felt something damp against his shoulder, and his heart broke.
He wasn't sure how long he stayed there like that, holding Kurt in his arms while silent tears seeped into his shirt, but he didn't care. Eventually, Kurt drew back a little, but didn't let go.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
Zisteau shook his head. "Shh, you have nothing to be sorry for."
Kurt scrubbed a hand over his face. "No, I do. You... I didn't want you to see me like this."
"Why?" Zisteau gently rubbed a damp trace from Kurt's cheek with the pad of his thumb. He couldn't miss the way Kurt shuddered, screwing his eyes shut, unable to keep his feelings hidden any longer.
"Because it's you."
Zisteau felt torn. As much as it lifted him to realize that Kurt had just admitted to feeling something more than friendship for him, it was heartbreaking to see that the other man believed he didn't deserve to have those feelings returned. It felt as though he had just been handed something very delicate, something he would have to handle carefully, but directly. There was no skirting around it now.
"And... you believe you don't deserve me? Or that I couldn't feel that way about you too?" He said softly.
Kurt flared pink, even slightly drunk it was almost jarring to hear it spoken out loud. He shrugged, miserably. "Both." He looked away.
"So how can I change your mind? How do I make you believe that I do feel that way, and that you are worth it?" He brushed Kurt's cheek again, watching the eyes that flicked back to him suddenly fill with surprise and hope... and then turn equally quickly to sadness. Kurt swallowed hard, trying to force his emotions back down.
"I don't know if you can." He said quietly.
*****
Kurt slowly blinked his eyes open, feeling conciousness seep back into his limbs. Slowly, he looked around. He was lying on top of the covers on his small bed, still dressed, clothes crumpled from being slept in. He pulled himself up to sitting, slowly, aware of a dull headache making itself known.
He rubbed his temples gingerly, trying to sort through the jumble in his mind. He obviously hadn't been nearly as drunk as he'd wanted to be, because it took very little for him to remember last night. All the things that had been weighing on his mind. Making the video. Falling. A phone call. Zisteau. Admitting everything. One overwhelming moment when he'd thought that what he'd wanted might be possible... and then feeling all his own insecurities and fears crush any hope that he could reach out for it.
He cursed himself inwardly. God he was hopeless.
A sound from just outside made him frown. Now he noticed, his door was open, and there was a spare blanket folded neatly on his chair that wasn't usually there. Pulling himself carefully to his feet, he walked slightly unsteadily outside.
Zisteau was seated on the bench nearby, a mug of coffee cradled in his hands. He looked up, not able to help grinning at the look of complete surprise that Kurt utterly failed to keep off his face.
"Hey, you're awake." His voice sounded slightly rough. "Here, I made coffee. You okay?" He indicated the pot and second cup next to him.
Hesitantly, Kurt sat down. Why on earth is he here? He... he didn't stay all night did he? After I made a complete fool of myself? He picked up the second mug and took a sip.
"Ah... yeah. Thanks." He said gratefully, unsure what was quite going on. He concentrated on the coffee instead.
He was a little over halfway through his cup when Zisteau spoke again.
"Kurt... we should talk."
Kurt stared into his cup. "Yeah." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I made an idiot of myself last night. I didn't mean for you to find out like that, and if it's going to make things horribly awkward for us to still be friends I understand."
He looked up in surprise as Zisteau chuckled.
"Oh, Kurt." He shook his head, putting down his empty cup. "I knew you'd probably say something like that." He sighed quietly. "I want you to listen to me for a minute, okay?"
Kurt nodded, not trusting himself to speak anymore just at the moment.
"First, I need you to know that I meant what I said last night." His voice softened. "I do care about you as more than just a friend... I have for a while now. I don't know where it started, but I won't try and pretend it isn't there, and I don't think you should, either. I'm not going to stop being your friend because of it."
Kurt bit his lip, his cheeks turning pink. "So what do we do now?"
"I guess that depends on you." He smiled softly as Kurt glanced up at him, seeing the same fight between hope and insecurity in his eyes again. "I'd like to see where this could go, if that's what you want."
Kurt felt his face colouring even more.
"I... it is. But..."
"But you don't trust yourself, and it's making you afraid."
Kurt looked away. Zisteau reached over and gently turned his face back toward him.
"It's okay. Feelings can be like that. Whatever happens, I'll always be here for you, I promise that. Know why? Because you're a good person who doesn't give themselves enough credit, or realize how amazing they can be. And you deserve to be happy."
He dropped his hand, but his eyes held Kurt's.
"This has to be your decision, and I won't push you for an answer either way. I just need you to be honest with yourself."
He sat back slowly. "Okay?"
Kurt nodded slowly, feeling slightly overwhelmed by everything. "Yeah."
Zisteau caught sight of his watch and cursed under his breath. "Damn, I should be getting back, I have a whole lot of recording set up today."
Kurt half-smiled. They both knew he needed time to think. Zisteau stretched a kink out of his shoulder as he stood up. "Look after yourself, okay?"
"I will. Ah.... Zisteau?"
"Hm?"
"... thanks."
With a smile, Zisteau made his way up the stairs and out of sight.
Kurt swirled the remains of his coffee around, staring at it as though a solution would magically reveal itself. He envied the way Zisteau could be so sure of himself. He wouldn't have stayed here all night if he didn't care. If I can trust his feelings, why can't I trust my own?
*****
High up on the Lens, Zisteau studied his latest set of blueprints thoughtfully. He still wasn't completely happy with the design, but it was an improvement.
He'd carefully kept himself busy all day. Having his mind and hands occupied left less time for his thoughts to wander. He had absolutely meant it when he'd told Kurt he wouldn't pressure him to make up his mind, so he tried not to think about it. Even if he admitted to himself that there was an answer he was hoping for.
Asking Kurt to be truly honest with himself was as much for his own benefit as for the other other man's. The previous night had only endeared Kurt to him even more, and if they started down that road there was a very real possibility that he would fall for him, and fall hard. If Kurt decided later on that it was a mistake... well, it would hurt them both that much more.
The faint snap of pistons caught his attention, one platform triggering after another as somebody teleported up the Endervator. Zisteau stayed where he was, and waited.
A figure in a blue suit blinked into view on the top platform.
He watched as Kurt strode towards him down the narrow path, coat fluttering behind him in the breeze, 3D glasses hiding his eyes. A few meters away he slipped the glasses off, dropping them aside to fall away toward the ground far below.
Then slim hands were cupping his face, and Kurt was kissing him. It was firm, determined, nothing like the gentle hesitancy he might have expected, but all the more delicious for it. Zisteau slipped his arms underneath Kurt's long coat, pulling him closer as their tongues slid against each other. After several long, breathless seconds they broke apart.
Zisetau held on to Kurt tightly, feeling the slight shakiness in his body, realizing just how much it had taken for him to do this. He smiled as Kurt rested his forehead against his, out of breath but making no move to let go.
"Well."
"Yeah."
Kurt took a deep breath. "I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how to keep believing in myself, or if I'll ever think that I'm worthwhile. But... I know that if anyone can convince me, it's you. It just... might take a while."
Zisteau smiled.
"For you, I have all the time in the world."
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Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 04:49 pm (UTC)And by that, I mean - OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS EEEEE. I love your Zisteau and I empathize with him so much and this is adorable and aaaaahhhhhhh. <3 <3 <3
Edit: I've added it to the fic list, but I clearly am too happily incoherent to give it a real summary, lol.
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Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 05:03 pm (UTC)I'm so glad you like it, it's taken me SO MUCH WRANGLING I just wanted to get the thing posted.
<3
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Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 06:23 pm (UTC)Omgyesfinally. God they're adorable. Z is so awesome and patient and clever and they're totally going to make it. And they did it without Bdubs's help after all, good! I wasn't sure what I was going to have to have Bdubs do to get them together...
I hope you write more of their relationship, it's so cute and clever and I'd love to see how it develops (and maybe it can keep inspiring side stories for me, whee!)
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Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 06:48 pm (UTC)I tried to keep Z's patience and logic, and mention Kurt's strengths because he was going all emotional on me, but keep it sensitive, and... argh, yeah. Not kidding when I said this kicked my ass for a while.
It's possible I may do more. ;p
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Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 06:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 07:26 pm (UTC)I went " oh noooooo! ; w ;" several times while reading this, you're super great at these two!
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Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 07:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 09:34 pm (UTC)That's really all I can say. <3
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Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Thursday, September 20th, 2012 11:32 pm (UTC)Just so much <3
I'm still in post-fic bliss and I can't even identify what I love about it other than everything!
So fantastic!
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Date: Friday, September 21st, 2012 01:34 am (UTC)Also, hello! :D
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Date: Sunday, October 28th, 2012 12:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 01:18 am (UTC)I miss your writing and I forgot how much I really enjoyed your fics until now.
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Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 01:42 am (UTC)It's been so long it feels but it feels like its been hardly any time at all too D: I remember trying to add you on skype ages ago but I don't know if the friend invite ever got through because I never saw you come up on my friends list.
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Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 01:52 am (UTC)Ah, yeah, Skype hates me. Either it wouldn't let me log in or something else would go wrong. I gave up on it since I only had a couple of contacts and we're all on twitter and things anyway (and I only had Skype in the first place because MSN closed down). I'm @Guenhwyvarsmind and I talk a lot of rubbish. :)
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Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 01:57 am (UTC)Boo skype : / I didn't have a twitter at the time but I ended up making one not that long ago so I could stalk the guys while they were at conventions and posting all their vines and things. I'm DeeThero, and I really don't post anything of interest : / I'm boring there, but I do have a tumblr which is way more active and filled with fic stuff.
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Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 02:03 am (UTC)I don't have a tumblr, although I should probably make one even if just to keep up with a few people. :)
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Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 02:06 am (UTC)Tumblr's a lot of fun, just follow some friends and reblog things you like or find pretty and it's all good. Its like any website, you just gotta watch out for the strange people and strange places. If you ever do get a tumblr, I'm theropodtheroblogs. There's a lot of good salad fic people on there too, its a pretty handy place for keeping up with the stuff that doesn't get posted here, like drabble prompts and things.
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Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 02:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: Monday, August 4th, 2014 02:16 am (UTC)Also I just spotted that tweet of yours about a simple IM program, I've used AIM for a while, one of the older versions because I hate the newer layouts, and its pretty handy, saves logs of your conversations if you want it to on your computer and such.
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