Fic: Mr. Ubiquitous Goes to Mars
Monday, May 6th, 2013 02:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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mindcrackloveSo for those of you who don't obsessively follow MC's every livestream, a couple weeks ago he showed off a video series he did with his friends when they were all ~15, and it is kind of amazing. It was the Mr. Ubiquitous Show, which you can see here (not all the episodes are included in the playlist, so also see episode 4, episode 5, episode 6, and episode 7). I would also link the stream archive with his commentary between each episode, but I can't seem to find it anymore.
Anyway, seeing this for the first time, two main thoughts crossed my mind:
1. This is awesome because it's a fun premise and it reminds me of the silly fun I once had with video cameras back in the day, only this had much better editing than anything I achieved at that age or at any age after, and plus babby MC and Mike, oh my god.
2. There must be fic of this. I command it. I will write it.
Which is what brings me here today. I wanted to write a silly little adventure about Mr. Ubiquitous and Mai Boy, even with the very limited established canon I had to work with, and this is what I came up with. Not necessarily my best writing, as most of the story was made up on the spot and the pacing feels all weird, but I just needed this to exist.Plus I'm just in this for the lols, so in your face!
~~~~
It was a typical day at the office for Mr. Ubiquitous and his assistant Mai Boy as they sat in the headquarters of their company UbiAqua. It had been several years since they had joined forces, and while UbiAqua had expanded quite a bit since their first sale, their office remained a modest one room arrangement, though with the improvement that they had finally upgraded the computers from Vista. The other major change as that Mai Boy now wore a hat. And since Mr. Ubiquitous had the uncanny ability to be everywhere at the same time, they had not even needed to hire more employees, instead using the many copies of Mr. Ubiquitous. Mai Boy still had his work cut out for him, of course, since they had a tendency to get distracted easily, but with persistence, UbiAqua had thrived.
Mai Boy pushed his chair away from the computer, turning toward Mr. Ubiquitous.
"Well, sir," he said, looking pleased, "we've finally done it. UbiAqua now controls all the water in the world. I just made the last sale."
Mr. Ubiquitous continued to stare at his computer, where he appeared to be playing Tetris and occasionally reading news blogs.
"What's that, Mai Boy? Something about a whale? I told them that if they weren't going to pay for their oh-shceans of water--"
"No, although we do own that now. We own all the water, and UbiAqua is known worldwide."
Mr. Ubiquitous turned to face his assistant, a serious expression caked on his features.
"Well hot flippity flap! This is terrible!"
Mai Boy frowned. "What? I thought you'd be happy. UbiAqua is now the most successful company in the world."
"But that's the thing, Mai Boy. If everyone uses our water and our water exists everywhere, what else is there to do?"
"Well, if all water is ours to control, one thing we can do is use our power for good and make sure everyone has equal access to--"
"Or, we could buy one of those giant inflatable castles and throw a party!"
Mai Boy sighed. "We can't afford a giant inflatable castle."
"Now wait a minute! You said UbiAqua is as ubiquitous as I am. Shouldn't we have mountains of cash by now?"
"Well we did, but you spent it all on cashews and video games, remember?"
Mr. Ubiquitous guiltily clutched a fresh can of cashews from his desk and stuffed a handful in his mouth.
"...No...."
"Anyway," said Mai Boy, "if we start with developing countries, we could ensure the entire world has clean water by--"
"I've got it!" Mr. Ubiquitous exclaimed. "If there is no one left on earth to buy our water, we simply have to outsource. You are wondering where to, Mai Boy? Take a look at this!" He pointed out a news article on his computer about the discovery of water on Mars. "You see? There is water we still don't control. And water that isn't UbiAqua water just isn't really water at all now, is it? Maybe that's the problem they've been having trying to find life there."
"You want to go to Mars? But what about the developing countries? There are children who don't have enough water."
"Well, yes, we can help the children too." Mr. Ubiquitous waved around a dismissive hand, which he then cast across his assistant's shoulders. "But think of the possibilities, Mai Boy! Not just a developing country, but a developing planet! They say that water is the key ingredient for life to grow, so once we've established UbiAqua's presence, those Martians will have no choice but to thrive!"
"But--"
"Ah, you are wondering how we will get there, Mai Boy? That is no problem at all. Shingoooo zap!"
Instantaneously, Mr. Ubiquitous and Mai Boy disappeared from their office with a little pop, and reappeared millions of miles away on the rocky surface of a smallish red planet. Startled by the lack of warning and lightheaded from the sudden change in atmosphere and gravity, Mai Boy choked on the air, doubling over.
"I was going to ask how anyone could survive when there's no oxygen in the atmosphere!" he managed to wheeze.
Mr. Ubiquitous smoothed his robe. "Oh, quit being a baby. It's quite all right."
When Mai Boy realized he was not dying of asphyxiation, he tentatively straitened back up.
"But how?"
Mr. Ubiquitous merely chuckled. "Haven't I ever told you I am everywhere at the same time? Me's have been on this planet for years. It was a little rough at first, but we've managed to figure it out. And if I can do it, so can you! See, there's a me right over there!"
"That doesn't even make sense! You'd have to be some kind of plant to breathe carbon dioxide, and how does that even apply to me?"
"Pbliphtr, you and your logic," he blustered. "Now look, we've got a job to do, and I'm counting on you to do it right. We do the same thing we've done on Earth, but on Mars. You got that?"
"But who's going to buy our water when the only people here are copies of you? And how has NASA not seen you with their rovers?"
"Never mind all that. I'll explain later."
"Fools!" came a sudden booming mumble from the ample nothingness that surrounded them, for it was, in fact, the evil Dr. Nothingness.
"Dr. Nothingness!" exclaimed Mai Boy. "What are you doing here?"
"Are you so surprised to find me in the empty outreaches of space? I would have thought you of all people were smarter than that."
"I should have known," said Mr. Ubiquitous. "For someone called Dr. Nothingness, you did seem uncharacteristically absent recently."
"That's right. Being unable to stop your business on Earth, I left the Better Business Bureau to bide my time out here, but now that you've arrived, I can just deal with you here!"
"You'll never stop us!" said Mai Boy.
"Oh yeah?" the blubby voice challenged. "What if I told you... there is no water on Mars!"
"What? Impossible!" said Mr. Ubiquitous.
"It's true. While you two were on Earth making your water as ubiquitous as your name, I've been busy making my own company of Martian water, and now that I've beaten you to it, it is not anywhere... ever!"
"But you can't just make something not exist anymore," said Mai Boy. "It violates one of the basic rules of science!"
"You think your science will help you? How about if I did the same thing to you!"
Before he could protest further, Mai Boy was encased in a strange light that began to dissolve, taking him with it to a state of non being.
"No, Mai Boy!" cried Mr. Ubiquitous. The last glimmer of light faded, leaving behind only a dark brimmed hat and a grim silent nothingness.
Dr. Nothingness began a low chuckle.
"This is low even for you, Dr. Nothingness! Give me back Mai Boy!"
"Don't worry. Maybe you will join him, sooner or later."
"What kind of game do you think you're playing?"
"The kind where I beat you! Soon my assembly of alien invaders will descend upon Earth and take over. And since they too are not anywhere ever, Earth cannot possibly stop something that isn't there. Once they take over, UbiAqua will fall, and a new era will begin."
"You've never succeeded before," Mr. Ubiquitous said firmly, though uncertainty crept on the edge of his voice. "What makes you think you'll win this time?"
"You don't have your lackey to help you."
"That's Mai Boy you're talking about!" But whatever presence Dr. Nothingness exuded was gone now. Mr. Ubiquitous turned to say something to Mai Boy, but he was no longer there. For someone so used to constant ubiquity, this was an unfamiliar experience. The emptiness began to set in as Mr. Ubiquitous was left alone on the deserted planet with only the hat of his former employee for the illusion of company.
That and all the omnipresent copies of himself. One appeared next to him and solemnly picked up the fedora.
"He was a good lad," he said, handing him the hat.
"He would probably be pointing out some logical inconsistency right about now," said the first Mr. Ubiquitous dejectedly. "He always loved doing that. How could Dr. Nothingness do something like this?"
"I suppose we should find a way to stop Dr. Nothingness now."
"No, he was right about Mai Boy. He's the only reason UbiAqua went anywhere. Who am I kidding?"
"Only yourself," noted the other Mr. Ubiquitous sagely. "And that would be me!"
"Oh, but I can't just let Dr. Nothingness get away with this. If he can remove things from existence, he could turn Earth into nothing but a black hole. But what can we-- Hm?"
Mai Boy's hat began to tremble and hum in Mr. Ubiquitous' hand. He leaned in cautiously as the humming grew louder, followed by a similar noise that seemed to come from every direction. A look of alarm crossed Mr. Ubiquitous' mustachioed face as the ground began to quake, raising a dusty red mist from the dirt. Reality itself seemed to tear open as a bright streak slashed across the dark sky. There was a sound like cracking ice as the streak grew larger, spreading across the sky, when suddenly a great deluge of water poured from the cracks like a water fall.
Mr. Ubiquitous sputtered as the wave washed over him. When the worst had settled, he was startled to find the thin figure of Mai Boy before him once again.
Mai Boy grabbed his hat and placed it back on his soaking head before saying, "Actually, a black hole is a super dense area of matter, not an absence of it, and I doubt Dr. Nothingness can cause that to happen."
"I have no idea what you just said Mai Boy, but my, what strange weather we're having! What just happened?"
"Well, I found the water you wanted. That should be everything that Dr. Nothingness made disappear from this planet. I think I saw a couple Rovers in there too, and someone who called himself a Kerbal, but it should all be back now."
"But how did you manage to do it?"
And Mai Boy, who always felt the need to point out wherever things didn't make sense, and who tolerated and followed Mr. U's leaps of logic only after some protest and sheer practice, said quite matter of factly, "My hat is magic. Didn't I ever tell you?"
And Mr. Ubiquitous, who once tried to charge whales for their water usage, scoffed and said, "Now that's just crazy talk! But, I am glad to see you again, Mai Boy."
"Anyway, I think that was enough to disrupt whatever scheme Dr. Nothingness had planned. It sure took a lot to put all the water back, even if it didn't put it all in the right spot."
"You don't say! Well butter my biscuit! Why don't you order one of those nice piahzshas to celebrate?"
Mai Boy adjusted his hat slightly. "You know, I don't think the pizza place does interplanetary delivery."
"Well they should. I'm starving!"
"Can we just go home now? Being temporarily non existent really takes it out of me, plus my shoes are all wet. Maybe we can expand the business some other time."
"Well all right. But I'm still having a word with the manager about that pizschehscho."
And so Mr. Ubiquitous and Mai Boy returned to Earth, which was not replaced by a black hole, and recovered from their adventure. For the time being their company remained secure, but it would only be a matter of time before Dr. Nothingness would strike again. Until then, they would find new ways to counter Dr. Nothingness' nefarious abilities so he wouldn't have that edge over then again. Or perhaps they'd just have another rematch on the Wii.
Anyway, seeing this for the first time, two main thoughts crossed my mind:
1. This is awesome because it's a fun premise and it reminds me of the silly fun I once had with video cameras back in the day, only this had much better editing than anything I achieved at that age or at any age after, and plus babby MC and Mike, oh my god.
2. There must be fic of this. I command it. I will write it.
Which is what brings me here today. I wanted to write a silly little adventure about Mr. Ubiquitous and Mai Boy, even with the very limited established canon I had to work with, and this is what I came up with. Not necessarily my best writing, as most of the story was made up on the spot and the pacing feels all weird, but I just needed this to exist.
~~~~
It was a typical day at the office for Mr. Ubiquitous and his assistant Mai Boy as they sat in the headquarters of their company UbiAqua. It had been several years since they had joined forces, and while UbiAqua had expanded quite a bit since their first sale, their office remained a modest one room arrangement, though with the improvement that they had finally upgraded the computers from Vista. The other major change as that Mai Boy now wore a hat. And since Mr. Ubiquitous had the uncanny ability to be everywhere at the same time, they had not even needed to hire more employees, instead using the many copies of Mr. Ubiquitous. Mai Boy still had his work cut out for him, of course, since they had a tendency to get distracted easily, but with persistence, UbiAqua had thrived.
Mai Boy pushed his chair away from the computer, turning toward Mr. Ubiquitous.
"Well, sir," he said, looking pleased, "we've finally done it. UbiAqua now controls all the water in the world. I just made the last sale."
Mr. Ubiquitous continued to stare at his computer, where he appeared to be playing Tetris and occasionally reading news blogs.
"What's that, Mai Boy? Something about a whale? I told them that if they weren't going to pay for their oh-shceans of water--"
"No, although we do own that now. We own all the water, and UbiAqua is known worldwide."
Mr. Ubiquitous turned to face his assistant, a serious expression caked on his features.
"Well hot flippity flap! This is terrible!"
Mai Boy frowned. "What? I thought you'd be happy. UbiAqua is now the most successful company in the world."
"But that's the thing, Mai Boy. If everyone uses our water and our water exists everywhere, what else is there to do?"
"Well, if all water is ours to control, one thing we can do is use our power for good and make sure everyone has equal access to--"
"Or, we could buy one of those giant inflatable castles and throw a party!"
Mai Boy sighed. "We can't afford a giant inflatable castle."
"Now wait a minute! You said UbiAqua is as ubiquitous as I am. Shouldn't we have mountains of cash by now?"
"Well we did, but you spent it all on cashews and video games, remember?"
Mr. Ubiquitous guiltily clutched a fresh can of cashews from his desk and stuffed a handful in his mouth.
"...No...."
"Anyway," said Mai Boy, "if we start with developing countries, we could ensure the entire world has clean water by--"
"I've got it!" Mr. Ubiquitous exclaimed. "If there is no one left on earth to buy our water, we simply have to outsource. You are wondering where to, Mai Boy? Take a look at this!" He pointed out a news article on his computer about the discovery of water on Mars. "You see? There is water we still don't control. And water that isn't UbiAqua water just isn't really water at all now, is it? Maybe that's the problem they've been having trying to find life there."
"You want to go to Mars? But what about the developing countries? There are children who don't have enough water."
"Well, yes, we can help the children too." Mr. Ubiquitous waved around a dismissive hand, which he then cast across his assistant's shoulders. "But think of the possibilities, Mai Boy! Not just a developing country, but a developing planet! They say that water is the key ingredient for life to grow, so once we've established UbiAqua's presence, those Martians will have no choice but to thrive!"
"But--"
"Ah, you are wondering how we will get there, Mai Boy? That is no problem at all. Shingoooo zap!"
Instantaneously, Mr. Ubiquitous and Mai Boy disappeared from their office with a little pop, and reappeared millions of miles away on the rocky surface of a smallish red planet. Startled by the lack of warning and lightheaded from the sudden change in atmosphere and gravity, Mai Boy choked on the air, doubling over.
"I was going to ask how anyone could survive when there's no oxygen in the atmosphere!" he managed to wheeze.
Mr. Ubiquitous smoothed his robe. "Oh, quit being a baby. It's quite all right."
When Mai Boy realized he was not dying of asphyxiation, he tentatively straitened back up.
"But how?"
Mr. Ubiquitous merely chuckled. "Haven't I ever told you I am everywhere at the same time? Me's have been on this planet for years. It was a little rough at first, but we've managed to figure it out. And if I can do it, so can you! See, there's a me right over there!"
"That doesn't even make sense! You'd have to be some kind of plant to breathe carbon dioxide, and how does that even apply to me?"
"Pbliphtr, you and your logic," he blustered. "Now look, we've got a job to do, and I'm counting on you to do it right. We do the same thing we've done on Earth, but on Mars. You got that?"
"But who's going to buy our water when the only people here are copies of you? And how has NASA not seen you with their rovers?"
"Never mind all that. I'll explain later."
"Fools!" came a sudden booming mumble from the ample nothingness that surrounded them, for it was, in fact, the evil Dr. Nothingness.
"Dr. Nothingness!" exclaimed Mai Boy. "What are you doing here?"
"Are you so surprised to find me in the empty outreaches of space? I would have thought you of all people were smarter than that."
"I should have known," said Mr. Ubiquitous. "For someone called Dr. Nothingness, you did seem uncharacteristically absent recently."
"That's right. Being unable to stop your business on Earth, I left the Better Business Bureau to bide my time out here, but now that you've arrived, I can just deal with you here!"
"You'll never stop us!" said Mai Boy.
"Oh yeah?" the blubby voice challenged. "What if I told you... there is no water on Mars!"
"What? Impossible!" said Mr. Ubiquitous.
"It's true. While you two were on Earth making your water as ubiquitous as your name, I've been busy making my own company of Martian water, and now that I've beaten you to it, it is not anywhere... ever!"
"But you can't just make something not exist anymore," said Mai Boy. "It violates one of the basic rules of science!"
"You think your science will help you? How about if I did the same thing to you!"
Before he could protest further, Mai Boy was encased in a strange light that began to dissolve, taking him with it to a state of non being.
"No, Mai Boy!" cried Mr. Ubiquitous. The last glimmer of light faded, leaving behind only a dark brimmed hat and a grim silent nothingness.
Dr. Nothingness began a low chuckle.
"This is low even for you, Dr. Nothingness! Give me back Mai Boy!"
"Don't worry. Maybe you will join him, sooner or later."
"What kind of game do you think you're playing?"
"The kind where I beat you! Soon my assembly of alien invaders will descend upon Earth and take over. And since they too are not anywhere ever, Earth cannot possibly stop something that isn't there. Once they take over, UbiAqua will fall, and a new era will begin."
"You've never succeeded before," Mr. Ubiquitous said firmly, though uncertainty crept on the edge of his voice. "What makes you think you'll win this time?"
"You don't have your lackey to help you."
"That's Mai Boy you're talking about!" But whatever presence Dr. Nothingness exuded was gone now. Mr. Ubiquitous turned to say something to Mai Boy, but he was no longer there. For someone so used to constant ubiquity, this was an unfamiliar experience. The emptiness began to set in as Mr. Ubiquitous was left alone on the deserted planet with only the hat of his former employee for the illusion of company.
That and all the omnipresent copies of himself. One appeared next to him and solemnly picked up the fedora.
"He was a good lad," he said, handing him the hat.
"He would probably be pointing out some logical inconsistency right about now," said the first Mr. Ubiquitous dejectedly. "He always loved doing that. How could Dr. Nothingness do something like this?"
"I suppose we should find a way to stop Dr. Nothingness now."
"No, he was right about Mai Boy. He's the only reason UbiAqua went anywhere. Who am I kidding?"
"Only yourself," noted the other Mr. Ubiquitous sagely. "And that would be me!"
"Oh, but I can't just let Dr. Nothingness get away with this. If he can remove things from existence, he could turn Earth into nothing but a black hole. But what can we-- Hm?"
Mai Boy's hat began to tremble and hum in Mr. Ubiquitous' hand. He leaned in cautiously as the humming grew louder, followed by a similar noise that seemed to come from every direction. A look of alarm crossed Mr. Ubiquitous' mustachioed face as the ground began to quake, raising a dusty red mist from the dirt. Reality itself seemed to tear open as a bright streak slashed across the dark sky. There was a sound like cracking ice as the streak grew larger, spreading across the sky, when suddenly a great deluge of water poured from the cracks like a water fall.
Mr. Ubiquitous sputtered as the wave washed over him. When the worst had settled, he was startled to find the thin figure of Mai Boy before him once again.
Mai Boy grabbed his hat and placed it back on his soaking head before saying, "Actually, a black hole is a super dense area of matter, not an absence of it, and I doubt Dr. Nothingness can cause that to happen."
"I have no idea what you just said Mai Boy, but my, what strange weather we're having! What just happened?"
"Well, I found the water you wanted. That should be everything that Dr. Nothingness made disappear from this planet. I think I saw a couple Rovers in there too, and someone who called himself a Kerbal, but it should all be back now."
"But how did you manage to do it?"
And Mai Boy, who always felt the need to point out wherever things didn't make sense, and who tolerated and followed Mr. U's leaps of logic only after some protest and sheer practice, said quite matter of factly, "My hat is magic. Didn't I ever tell you?"
And Mr. Ubiquitous, who once tried to charge whales for their water usage, scoffed and said, "Now that's just crazy talk! But, I am glad to see you again, Mai Boy."
"Anyway, I think that was enough to disrupt whatever scheme Dr. Nothingness had planned. It sure took a lot to put all the water back, even if it didn't put it all in the right spot."
"You don't say! Well butter my biscuit! Why don't you order one of those nice piahzshas to celebrate?"
Mai Boy adjusted his hat slightly. "You know, I don't think the pizza place does interplanetary delivery."
"Well they should. I'm starving!"
"Can we just go home now? Being temporarily non existent really takes it out of me, plus my shoes are all wet. Maybe we can expand the business some other time."
"Well all right. But I'm still having a word with the manager about that pizschehscho."
And so Mr. Ubiquitous and Mai Boy returned to Earth, which was not replaced by a black hole, and recovered from their adventure. For the time being their company remained secure, but it would only be a matter of time before Dr. Nothingness would strike again. Until then, they would find new ways to counter Dr. Nothingness' nefarious abilities so he wouldn't have that edge over then again. Or perhaps they'd just have another rematch on the Wii.
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