Brave Chapter 3
Friday, December 1st, 2017 04:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ruddiestbubbles posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
mindcrackloveFun fact, in the original version of this, this chapter was called "A Little Too Much Wine"
“I really don’t know Z,” Kurt says with a sigh, long and drawn out. He’s tired. So tired. To the point where he feels like he could sleep for forty eight hours and it still wouldn’t be enough. But he can’t sleep, not at all. He’s spent every night since FLOB tossing and turning. “I just can’t sleep. Nothing seems to be helping.”
Zisteau’s face is soft, despite the little creases between his furrowed brow, and there’s concern in his eyes, and his lips are pulled into a thin line. This is different. They don’t normally do this, video chatting. It’s something that’s just recently started happening, and he can’t say it’s a bad thing. “And this has been going on since the marathon?” His voice is also soft, with concern practically dripping from it.
“Yeah,” And he yawns, putting a hand in front of his mouth. “I’ve just got so much on my mind I guess.” It’s a soft admittance, just barely there, like he doesn’t trust saying it. But he trusts Zisteau completely.
Zisteau eyes him through the screen, “This isn’t about losing Wolfie, is it?”
He looks back at him, eyes droopy and sad, dull, lacking of their usual mischievous glint, “No. No it’s not.”
When he doesn’t talk, Zisteau does, “Then what is it about?”
“I uh. I guess I’m anxious about minecon,” He says quietly, staring at his hands, “Like what if people don’t like me once they meet me in person. What if they see me and are disgusted? What if I can’t do it? Can’t be the person everyone thinks I am? What if I am just this huge disappointment. W-what if I’m not good enough?” His eyes sting with unshed tears and his throat feels tight. “What if I’m not good enough?” His voice is just barely a whisper, tears threatening to break free, his eyes still on his hands, which are clasped together tightly, knuckles white.
“Kurt, hey,” Zisteau’s voice is soft, unlike he’s ever heard before; soft like freshly woven wool, and silky like a satin night shirt. “None of that is true. None of that will happen.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you, Kurt Jay Mac, are an amazing person, who is so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. No one's gonna hate you, especially not in person, because you are perfect.” Zisteau’s eyes are sharp with admiration, yet soft with concern, and his voice just the same.
He looks up finally, swallowing around the lump in his throat, “You really think so?”
“I don’t think so, I know so.”
It’s like this fairytale moment then, with Zisteau looking at him like he hung the stars. His smile is so soft and delicate, lips turned up just at the edges. His eyes are soft, showing off so much raw emotion. In that moment, Kurt feels like he’s won something huge, and he can’t quite tell what. But, he can’t breathe, can’t blink, his mouth is hanging open slightly, lips just barely parted, and he’s staring at Zisteau, and he can’t stop. He can’t seem to move, to stop staring. He can’t breathe, and it’s not his anxiety this time.
~~~
Zisteau knows he’s being obvious; knows he’s probably giving himself away, but he couldn’t help it, not when Kurt was looking so sad, and so lost. He couldn’t just sit there and watch Kurt slowly break down like that, he just couldn’t. Especially now that he knows what his own feelings are, not that he would’ve let Kurt go through that on his own to begin with, but it’s different now, so much different, in a way he can’t even explain. He almost hates that he has literal heart eyes for Kurt now, though he might’ve always had them, he’d never really know. But, now that they are video calling, it’s harder, he’s really gotta watch himself. He doesn’t want to ruin his friendship just because he went and caught feelings for his best friend.
But, with the way Kurt was staring at him, well, that went straight to his gut, in a way he was almost uncomfortable with, because this is his best friend. He shouldn’t feel this way about him, but he does, and that’s really a problem, especially since he had to take a minute to cool off. He hasn’t felt this way, ever, and he thought when he finally did it would be with some girl, not with a guy, specifically not Kurt. But now that he does feel this way, he wants and he wants so bad.
~~~
“Hey Lex.” Kurt sighs. He’s still tired, still hasn’t slept, but he wants to talk to Lexi, wants to feel the sisterly love he always feels like he’s missing now that she doesn’t live very close anymore.
“Hey bud, what’s up?” She asks in that carefree way she always talks, like everything is below her and she can accomplish anything. He’s always admired her for that, and always will.
“Just miss you.”
It must be something in his voice that gives him away, because she is immediately on his case, “What’s wrong?” And her voice is gentle now, like a feather in the wind.
“I haven't slept in days Lex… and I had a panic attack earlier…. And… I’m just so tired.”
“Oh bud,” Her voice is like a sigh, soft and comforting.
“I just don’t know what to do. And now… I just um… er… I don’t know what to um….” He has to stop before he works himself into another panic attack. He takes a few deep breaths, and Lexi is quiet on the other end of the line, patiently waiting for him to find the ground again. And when he finally speaks, his voice is strained, but clear, “How did you know you liked Mason when you first met him?”
“Woah, what’s with the questions bud?”
“C-can you just answer?” This isn’t something they talk about. This isn’t something they do. They’ve always been really close, but they’ve never talked about feelings before, and it feels strange bringing it up. But he needs to know.
She’s quiet for a moment, and makes a small humming sound before answering, “Well, I mean, it was like this feeling in my gut. I just kinda knew, not sure exactly, but it was just something that felt so real when I realized what was going on.”
“Did it ever feel like you couldn’t breathe?”
“Yeah actually. When we first started talking, he’d look at me with what Mom jokes is heart eyes, and he’d stare at me, and I just couldn’t breathe, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, just kind of a thing that happened.” She pauses when she hears his gasp, “Hey bud, why do you wanna know…?”
“I-I think I like someone.” It’s quiet, just barely a whisper, his voice almost not there.
“Aww bud, that’s awesome!”
“But….”
“But?” She prompts.
“But it’s a guy.”
She’s quiet for a moment, and his heart races for every drawn out second of nothingness. “A guy?”
“Yeah….”
“Is he cute?”
And that gets a laugh out of him, it’s so abrupt that it startles him a little. He’s never thought about it before, not really. Is Zisteau cute? He supposes he is. His smile is always so bright, and his eyes are gorgeous, with one being blue, and one green, he’s always loved that about Zisteau. “Yeah, he is,” He admits softly.
He can hear the smile in her voice, “Is he straight?”
“No, he’s not.”
“Hmmm.” She hums softly, “Do you think he likes you?”
“Lex, I don’t think there’s anyway he could.”
“Aw come on Kurt, you’re a real catch.”
He laughs, only somewhat bitterly, “Is that you just trying to boost my confidence?”
“No way!” She protests, “You’re adorable in a nerdy, clumsy way.”
“I don’t know if that was supposed to be a compliment or not,” He laughs, and now it feels light and happy, unlike the past three days. He feels okay--not perfect, but okay.
~~~
He’s just finished putting away his leftover spaghetti when he heads to his office to make a video. He’s loose from his two glasses of wine from dinner, and the scotch he’s just started drinking, but he wants to record. He still hasn’t slept, not yet, but he’s starting to feel drowsy, and that’s probably thanks to the alcohol in his system, but he feels like he may actually sleep tonight; he hopes at least. Once situated, he opens up Minecraft and starts recording. He doesn’t really have a goal for this episode, besides cleaning up Beef’s prank. And, apparently rambling about Minecon and being comfortable with himself. He ends up talking for a long time, about everything and nothing at the same time.
“And like, I’m not entirely sure what to do right now guys. I haven't slept in days, ever since FLOB-athon really, and now there’s this person that I think I like. Like, as in like I could date them…. Yeah, I think that’s how I feel. It’s confusing. Like, I didn’t really ask for this, it just kinda happened. And y’know, I normally wouldn’t tell you guys this, but I feel like I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I can; and I can be okay with it. It might also be the scotch, but that’s beside the point!” He pauses, stopping his mining and holding still, “Wait… what was I saying? Ummmm….. Oh yeah! So I made Spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and it was really good. Not really good like my Mom’s though, hers is just so good.”
He eventually signs off and goes through the process of editing the video, although he’s really not quite sure he did it right, he can’t quite remember what to do. It’s very confusing for him. He even gets it posted to Youtube, it’s the first video he’s posted in weeks, and he feels bad about it, but he’s also proud of himself for getting an episode done. Once he’s sure the video is properly posted, he makes his way to his room, tossing his shirt and jeans in the hamper before collapsing onto his bed. It doesn’t take him long to get comfortable, curling up on top of the blanket and hugging his pillow tightly, before promptly passing out..
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Date: Friday, December 1st, 2017 10:03 pm (UTC)Colds do suck. I've officially had a cough for a month now, boy is that fun.
I hope you get better soon! *wraps in a blanket and gives soup*
-Observing Anon
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Date: Friday, December 1st, 2017 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Saturday, December 2nd, 2017 10:37 pm (UTC)*hands soup and blankets to Bubbles*
Protip if you're losing your voice at all or your throat is really sore, get a small glass of lemonade, heat it in the microwave for 1 min, stir in a teaspoon of honey and then drink immediately. Trust me it works wonders. Hope you're both back to full health soon.
Good chapter Bubbles ^^
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Date: Sunday, May 20th, 2018 06:47 am (UTC)