As We Fall [ Part One, Chapter One ]

[terran_etc]

In which the spirits of the dead are offended.
So this is a short first chapter to something I've started working on (and by started working on, I mean this is the first chapter and I just finished it), called As We Fall (if you couldn't tell already), or AWF. It's not beta-read, and it will probably be edited a lot, lot, lot. Uh, not sure what else to put here, so here we go.

 AS WE FALL. Part I, Chapter I.

 

In the Ladrin’Nai
[ The eastern side of Serrit's portion of the Ladrin'Nai. September 7th, 142. ] 

Enter, stranger, yet beware, for beyond this border lies the bodies of a thousand dead men. A thousand fallen here, let this be a warning for all who pass. The souls of the dead may never rest, their bodies but ash in the air. Pay them tribute.

 The message is carved into a lonely stone pillar on the edge of a dusty land, old cuts torn into the corners and sides of it, marking years of damage. Past it is a barren wasteland, the Ladrin’Nai, this chunk of which had indeed been home to a slaughter of a thousand people, a bloody smear across the history of the area. As far as the eye can see, there is nothing but dust and rocks, all oddly undisturbed by a nonexistent wind.

Staring at it is a traveler, a man wrapped so fully in a dark cloak that only dark eyes peek out. He stands, coated liberally in dust, facing the pillar and staring out into the desolate land. There’s a border, where the dying grass of Serrit gives way to the dust and sand of the Ladrin’Nai.

Ladrin’Nai, Thinks the man, humming to himself, covering up nervousness. No man’s land.

He really doesn’t want to enter, but he finds that it is imperative that he does. He has heard rumors, rumors of what he wants to find, and the rumors have led him to here. Why, he thinks, couldn’t this adventure led him to somewhere nice, like the hot springs of Yriska? He smiles briefly at the thought.

He steps across the border, feet in shoes but covered in strips of fabric and wool, leaving inconclusive footprints behind, tracks that shift and look less like human footprints or the clawed prints of kxx’i (a sentient species native to the Nether and one of the more dangerous species known to Jriak), but more of the windblown dust that covers the area, or the tracks of dangerous wraiths. It is less likely to attract predators, and has become a common safety standard across the continent.

And that is the way that he moves into the Ladrin’Nai, into the wasteland, avoiding straight lines but moving around in curves and generally wandering. It’s not like he has a particular destination in mind, anyway, but he has heard rumors. Rumors that there are people that live here, in the Ladrin’Nai, where it is thought uninhabitable.

After a few miles pass he enters into a valley. Surrounded by mountains, there is only a small pass that leads from this valley into the rest of the wastelands, from where he had just come. The mountains are just off in the distance; he sees their forms through the dust which is heavy in the air now, trapped by the imposing mountains on all sides.

Dark eyes squint against the haze. He has the uncanny feeling that he is being watched, but he can’t see anything through the dust which seems to just saturate the air. He breathes out, and thinks back to the sign at the edge of the Ladrin’Nai.

“Um, gross.” He says, his voice hanging in the still air. “Breathing in dead people.” He laughs, but his eyes are wide. He makes a little cross symbol with his hands, murmuring an apology of sorts in his native language. Peacemaking with the dead.

It doesn’t work.

Something moves very suddenly out of the ground and leaps at him. It’s a wolf hybrid, a creature he recognizes in the moment before he is bowled over as a rekk’ji, a monstrous looking wolf with teeth as long as his hand, and towering over him at over seven feet tall.

The man lets out a shout, toppling over and raising an arm to block his face from being mauled. As it is his arm gets shredded by the rekk’ji’s teeth, and he grits his teeth. He has no decent weapon to fight one of these, thinking that the extent of fighting he would have to do would be burning some wraiths or slashing a bandit or two. Thus all he has are some unlit torches and a knife, which he draws with his left hand.

He curses softly under his breath, through his clenched teeth, and resigns himself to a useless dominant hand for the foreseeable future, then stabs upwards with the blade. Unfortunately it’s not a strong hit, but it does its job well. The rekk’ji howls and retreats a few steps, growling with thick black blood streaming from the wound in its shoulder, clotting the patchy gray fur that covers its body.

The man takes that moment of rest and throws himself backwards, thoroughly regretting his decision to not to make himself any health items. His cloak is undone some, revealing dark blue, almost black, clothing and accents done in some kind of silver colored metal. His hood, thankfully, is a separate piece from the rest, and he has not inhaled much dust.

The rekk’ji charges him now. Thinking quickly, he jumps out of the way and swings around, biting his lip against the pain flashing through his injured arm, and slashes at the rekk’ji, recovering from its attack.

Direct hit. The breast howls as its neck is sliced, swinging around and shoving out with both front paws, before collapsing. The man intakes a pained breath, because he hadn’t moved far enough out of the way, and groans as he hears an audible crack, one or more of his ribs breaking from the impact. He feels, rather than sees, the rekk’ji dissolve into ash, quickly scattered by a sudden cold wind.

Something golden glints in the sunlight as what formerly seemed like a rock formation shifts and moves. The man has just enough time to hope that whatever it is won’t kill him before he succumbs to unconsciousness.

Comments

[eclipse3]

Yes. Just all the yes. This is great and so suspenseful!

[terran_etc]

:D
why thank you kind person <3

[(Anonymous)]

Action, adventure, tons of dead people, hard to pronounce names... Yeah, this has all the signs of a good, interesting, and engaging story. I like it! (::)
-Observing Anon

[terran_etc]

wow is that my first cookie?! oUo
/noms

[(Anonymous)]

This is a good start to a story. It makes me want to read more.

-the lurkiest lurker

sadie here

[(Anonymous)]

dead deady dead dead. thats what i foresee in this series i cant wait for more. KILL THEM ALL NEW PERSON

Re: sadie here

[terran_etc]

*salutes*
yOU GOT IT SADIE

Re: sadie here

[(Anonymous)]

Make me proud

[scara]

I am intrigued. Welcome and have some cookies (::)(::)(::)(::)

[terran_etc]

wow more cookies this brings my cookie total up to five! sweet! <3

[ruddiestbubbles]

Late Bubs is, yet again, late to the party XD

I really liked this though! Suspenseful and beautifully written <3

[jiminee]

I'm really glad I decided to read this, because it is beautiful! You have a wonderful way of describing location and that action scene was great. Will report back after i have read the second part !!

[yamina_chan]

Greetings.

I would suggest you add an actual teaser/summary to your story, and not just the authors notes at the beginning.
You have to make your readers curious, make them want to open this and read it. Especially since there are no character tags in this opening. =)
Or you'll have people like me who look at it, see nothing of interest and move on. - The reason why I DID come back was because of the character tags that I noticed in the second chapter XD' And that's not a good reason for someone to do so.

Anyway. Now that I am here and before I even get to the feedback of the actual chapter is that you are missing the "setting: alternate universe" tag. That's something you need to add =)

Something else I have noticed are little slip ups here and there; wrongly placed commas, wrong words, things like that. Not enough that it makes reading this a difficult task, mind you, but just enough where it is distracting.

All of this is taking the chance away that people will read this. And by the opening chapter, that would be a loss. It's written at a good pace, there is a history to the place and although the reader is not actually included in the knowledge fraction just yet, there is promie. Promise that this will develop into something that is well worht investing some time into. So well done on that part!

[terran_etc]

wow, thank you for such thorough feedback. i will add the teasers and the tag (which i have been alerted about on the second chapter as well) when i get access to a computer, as right now i am stuck on glitchy mobile. thank you so much for your thoughts!