Letting Go Chpt. 8
Monday, December 21st, 2015 09:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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mindcrackloveHow can you trust anyone if you can't trust yourself?
Dezeray headed out into the living room after waking up and making a frantic trip to the bathroom. She felt so terrible. School was definitely not happening today and possibly tomorrow. Kurt was sitting on the couch shivering with Zisteau sitting beside him.
"He's sick too?" Dezeray asks as she sits down.
"Yeah, looks like we're all staying home today." Zisteau says with a chuckle.
"Why are you staying here?" Dezeray asks confused.
"To make sure you two are doing okay."
"Okay...."
Kurt snuggles into Zisteau's side and lays his head on his shoulder. "I'm not letting him leave anyway." Kurt says quietly.
A small smile crept onto Dezeray's face. Kurt and Zisteau are so freakin adorable. They were so cute and Dezeray really hoped to have a relationship like that one day.
"I already called you in sick. But, the counselor wants to talk to you when you go back to school."
"About what?"
"What happened yesterday in class."
"Oh...."
"What did happen?" Kurt asks, eyeing Dezeray curiously.
"I-I... uh..."
Dezeray didn't know if she should tell them. She knew they deserved to know, but she just didn't know. She felt like she trusted them, but she wasn't sure.
"You don't have to tell us Dez. I know it's hard." Zisteau says gently.
Dezeray felt so safe around them. She hadn't even been there for long, yet she already felt at home. Maybe she could tell them. She knew she had to.
"I.... I need to tell you guys.... I mean.... not just about yesterday, but everything. You deserve to know." Dezeray says as she moves over to sit between Kurt and Zisteau.
"I was seven when my parents died." Dezeray started, tears already welling up. "We had gone to my grandparents for Thanksgiving and we were on our way back. It was really late so it was dark and it had been storming. We were hit by a drunk driver and I had passed out. I woke up in a hospital three days later. I.... I.... didn't know what had happened and nobody would tell me...." Dezeray stopped as the memories replayed in her head.
It hurt so much to relive those moments. To think she had already gone through it once, yet she still had to relive it every time she had a nightmare. She hated it.
Zisteau opened his mouth to say something, but Dezeray stopped him. "Then they told me.... I... I was so broken after that. They were the only family I had. I had no one left, literally. I spent every day in the hospital until the funeral. After the funeral I went to my first foster parents house. They um.... they had no children and no experience raising them.... I.... The dad... He uh... he was abusive. And the mom did nothing about it. She just sat and watched as he yelled at me and beat me....." Dezeray took a shuddering breath and continued, fighting through the lump in her throat. "Eventually I was moved to a different family. It was much like the other one. This continued for a long time, until a year ago, that is. That's when I was placed with the Cook's. They hadn't had any record of anything. It had seemed okay at first. I went to a new school. I made a friend, Aurey. She was the first real friend I'd had since I was seven. But, then everything seemed to get worse. My foster parents were always out drinking or doing drugs. Which left me all alone most of the time, which wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. They were abusive as well. But, it wasn't just verbally and physically.... he uh.... he raped me..." Dezeray sobbed as the last few words left her mouth.
She had never told anybody this. Ever. She had been too scared to. She thought that he'd get mad and beat her or do it again. She had been left cowering in a corner sobbing and scared to death.
".... He... he threatened to hurt me if I told anyone... and... and I never did. They both hated me.... I don't know why.... but they did. I was just a big failure to them. This went on for a year..... That's why I started cutting..... I don't want to. I hate it.... but it was the only way I could get through the day....... I... I've almost killed myself so many times..... I-I...."
Dezeray breaks down and buries her face in her hands as sobs rack through her body. It scared her so much, telling anyone this. She didn't want them to hate her. She didn't want them to have to worry about her. But, she had to tell them everything.
"I-I don't know what kept me from doing it.... I... I hated life so much.... I just wanted to end it all, yet I couldn't. I ended up in the hospital because of it once..... I've never told anyone this... ever."
Kurt and Zisteau shared a look. They were both so shocked. They'd known she'd had a bit of a rough life, but not that bad. The poor girl had been through so so much. They both hugged Dezeray. They knew she needed it. Dezeray just continued to cry and cry as she was hugged. She didn't know what to do anymore. She was a huge fucking mess of a person.
"Thank you for telling us Dezeray." Zisteau says gently. "But.... I do have one question... Do you still... uh... want to... you know... end it all?"
Dezeray wasn't honestly sure. Some days she did and some she didn't. It was like her world was a continuously rolling dice with only two options. "Yes and no...." She says shakily.
"Just promise me you won't Dez.... I couldn't stand loosing you... you mean so much to me.... us." Zisteau says, looking at her seriously.
She nodded, looking Zisteau straight in the eyes. "I promise."
The three sat on the couch for a long while. Kurt and Zisteau tried their best to comfort Dezeray, who could only cry. Her world continued to crumble around her. She eventually went back to her room and laid down. Her thoughts were an absolute mess. She continued to wonder if she really trusted Kurt and Zisteau. She had told them about her parents and her past. She hadn't told anyone about it. Ever. Maybe she did trust them.
"Hey Dez."
Dezeray sits up, glancing at the door, where MC was standing.
"Hey MC."
MC made his way over to Dezeray's bed and sat down. "How ya feeling?"
"Eh, I've been better." Dezeray says.
"You've been crying, what's wrong?"
"I... I told them...."
"Told them what?"
"About my parents and my past and.... and everything that happened."
"Oh...."
"MC... I... I just want you to know.... I have a lot of trust issues and I just... I don't know if I truly trust you... or them..."
"It's okay Dez." MC says with a gentle smile, putting his hand on Dezeray's comfortingly. "I totally understand."
"... I wanna trust you... I really do... but I just don't know if I can...." Dezeray says sadly. "What's wrong with me?" She asks quietly, mostly to herself.
"Dez... Have you ever thought that maybe you don't trust yourself?"
"Trust myself?" Dezeray says quietly, the question bouncing around in her head.
Maybe that was the source of all of her problems. She couldn't trust herself. It all made sense. If she couldn't trust herself, how could she trust anyone else?
"I don't mean anything bad Dez."
"I know MC... It's just... I think you're right.... I don't trust myself...."
"You need a hug?"
Dezeray nods and MC wraps his arms around her tightly. Dezeray hugged MC back just as tightly. She didn't know how to trust herself or anyone. She didn't even understand how she deserved such an amazing friend. MC was so patient and caring. All she was is an emotionally unstable person.
"Thank you MC." Dezeray says quietly.
"What for?"
"For dealing with me.... I don't know how you do it. I'm just a huge mess."
"Now Dezeray." MC says, holding Dezeray at an arms length. "Don't ever call yourself that. You may not be perfect, and your life may not be the best. But, you are not a huge mess. You are the best you, you can be. So don't ever tell me, or anyone else, otherwise."
Dezeray just nodded as tears welled up, threatening to spill onto her pale cheeks. She really didn't deserve such an amazing friend.
Dezeray headed out into the living room after waking up and making a frantic trip to the bathroom. She felt so terrible. School was definitely not happening today and possibly tomorrow. Kurt was sitting on the couch shivering with Zisteau sitting beside him.
"He's sick too?" Dezeray asks as she sits down.
"Yeah, looks like we're all staying home today." Zisteau says with a chuckle.
"Why are you staying here?" Dezeray asks confused.
"To make sure you two are doing okay."
"Okay...."
Kurt snuggles into Zisteau's side and lays his head on his shoulder. "I'm not letting him leave anyway." Kurt says quietly.
A small smile crept onto Dezeray's face. Kurt and Zisteau are so freakin adorable. They were so cute and Dezeray really hoped to have a relationship like that one day.
"I already called you in sick. But, the counselor wants to talk to you when you go back to school."
"About what?"
"What happened yesterday in class."
"Oh...."
"What did happen?" Kurt asks, eyeing Dezeray curiously.
"I-I... uh..."
Dezeray didn't know if she should tell them. She knew they deserved to know, but she just didn't know. She felt like she trusted them, but she wasn't sure.
"You don't have to tell us Dez. I know it's hard." Zisteau says gently.
Dezeray felt so safe around them. She hadn't even been there for long, yet she already felt at home. Maybe she could tell them. She knew she had to.
"I.... I need to tell you guys.... I mean.... not just about yesterday, but everything. You deserve to know." Dezeray says as she moves over to sit between Kurt and Zisteau.
"I was seven when my parents died." Dezeray started, tears already welling up. "We had gone to my grandparents for Thanksgiving and we were on our way back. It was really late so it was dark and it had been storming. We were hit by a drunk driver and I had passed out. I woke up in a hospital three days later. I.... I.... didn't know what had happened and nobody would tell me...." Dezeray stopped as the memories replayed in her head.
It hurt so much to relive those moments. To think she had already gone through it once, yet she still had to relive it every time she had a nightmare. She hated it.
Zisteau opened his mouth to say something, but Dezeray stopped him. "Then they told me.... I... I was so broken after that. They were the only family I had. I had no one left, literally. I spent every day in the hospital until the funeral. After the funeral I went to my first foster parents house. They um.... they had no children and no experience raising them.... I.... The dad... He uh... he was abusive. And the mom did nothing about it. She just sat and watched as he yelled at me and beat me....." Dezeray took a shuddering breath and continued, fighting through the lump in her throat. "Eventually I was moved to a different family. It was much like the other one. This continued for a long time, until a year ago, that is. That's when I was placed with the Cook's. They hadn't had any record of anything. It had seemed okay at first. I went to a new school. I made a friend, Aurey. She was the first real friend I'd had since I was seven. But, then everything seemed to get worse. My foster parents were always out drinking or doing drugs. Which left me all alone most of the time, which wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. They were abusive as well. But, it wasn't just verbally and physically.... he uh.... he raped me..." Dezeray sobbed as the last few words left her mouth.
She had never told anybody this. Ever. She had been too scared to. She thought that he'd get mad and beat her or do it again. She had been left cowering in a corner sobbing and scared to death.
".... He... he threatened to hurt me if I told anyone... and... and I never did. They both hated me.... I don't know why.... but they did. I was just a big failure to them. This went on for a year..... That's why I started cutting..... I don't want to. I hate it.... but it was the only way I could get through the day....... I... I've almost killed myself so many times..... I-I...."
Dezeray breaks down and buries her face in her hands as sobs rack through her body. It scared her so much, telling anyone this. She didn't want them to hate her. She didn't want them to have to worry about her. But, she had to tell them everything.
"I-I don't know what kept me from doing it.... I... I hated life so much.... I just wanted to end it all, yet I couldn't. I ended up in the hospital because of it once..... I've never told anyone this... ever."
Kurt and Zisteau shared a look. They were both so shocked. They'd known she'd had a bit of a rough life, but not that bad. The poor girl had been through so so much. They both hugged Dezeray. They knew she needed it. Dezeray just continued to cry and cry as she was hugged. She didn't know what to do anymore. She was a huge fucking mess of a person.
"Thank you for telling us Dezeray." Zisteau says gently. "But.... I do have one question... Do you still... uh... want to... you know... end it all?"
Dezeray wasn't honestly sure. Some days she did and some she didn't. It was like her world was a continuously rolling dice with only two options. "Yes and no...." She says shakily.
"Just promise me you won't Dez.... I couldn't stand loosing you... you mean so much to me.... us." Zisteau says, looking at her seriously.
She nodded, looking Zisteau straight in the eyes. "I promise."
The three sat on the couch for a long while. Kurt and Zisteau tried their best to comfort Dezeray, who could only cry. Her world continued to crumble around her. She eventually went back to her room and laid down. Her thoughts were an absolute mess. She continued to wonder if she really trusted Kurt and Zisteau. She had told them about her parents and her past. She hadn't told anyone about it. Ever. Maybe she did trust them.
"Hey Dez."
Dezeray sits up, glancing at the door, where MC was standing.
"Hey MC."
MC made his way over to Dezeray's bed and sat down. "How ya feeling?"
"Eh, I've been better." Dezeray says.
"You've been crying, what's wrong?"
"I... I told them...."
"Told them what?"
"About my parents and my past and.... and everything that happened."
"Oh...."
"MC... I... I just want you to know.... I have a lot of trust issues and I just... I don't know if I truly trust you... or them..."
"It's okay Dez." MC says with a gentle smile, putting his hand on Dezeray's comfortingly. "I totally understand."
"... I wanna trust you... I really do... but I just don't know if I can...." Dezeray says sadly. "What's wrong with me?" She asks quietly, mostly to herself.
"Dez... Have you ever thought that maybe you don't trust yourself?"
"Trust myself?" Dezeray says quietly, the question bouncing around in her head.
Maybe that was the source of all of her problems. She couldn't trust herself. It all made sense. If she couldn't trust herself, how could she trust anyone else?
"I don't mean anything bad Dez."
"I know MC... It's just... I think you're right.... I don't trust myself...."
"You need a hug?"
Dezeray nods and MC wraps his arms around her tightly. Dezeray hugged MC back just as tightly. She didn't know how to trust herself or anyone. She didn't even understand how she deserved such an amazing friend. MC was so patient and caring. All she was is an emotionally unstable person.
"Thank you MC." Dezeray says quietly.
"What for?"
"For dealing with me.... I don't know how you do it. I'm just a huge mess."
"Now Dezeray." MC says, holding Dezeray at an arms length. "Don't ever call yourself that. You may not be perfect, and your life may not be the best. But, you are not a huge mess. You are the best you, you can be. So don't ever tell me, or anyone else, otherwise."
Dezeray just nodded as tears welled up, threatening to spill onto her pale cheeks. She really didn't deserve such an amazing friend.
Tags:
- fanfiction,
- fiction length: multiple chapters,
- genre: angst,
- genre: drama,
- genre: hurt/comfort,
- mindcracker: aureylian,
- mindcracker: kurt,
- mindcracker: mc,
- mindcracker: zistykins,
- nsfw,
- pairing: m/m,
- setting: in real life,
- warning: mention of/ character death,
- warning: mention of/ rape,
- warning: mention of/ suicide
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Date: Tuesday, December 22nd, 2015 07:21 am (UTC)-the lurkiest lurker
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Date: Tuesday, December 22nd, 2015 08:21 am (UTC)-Observing Anon
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Date: Tuesday, December 22nd, 2015 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: Wednesday, December 23rd, 2015 02:48 pm (UTC)-the lurkiest lurker