Just One

Thursday, June 2nd, 2016 05:05 pm
ruddiestbubbles: (Default)
[personal profile] ruddiestbubbles posting in [community profile] mindcracklove
All it takes is one single word to push you over the edge. All it takes is one moment to ruin everything. All it takes is one person to take the light from your world. All it takes is one.

He was broken. He was truly broken. But no one knew. No one saw the scars he hid under cloth, that always felt too thin. No one saw the bruises that painted his stomach and back. No one really noticed the dark circles under his eyes from restless night after restless night. No one saw. No one took care to notice. He was alone in this world, truly alone, nothing could save him, no one could, and that's what he always thought, no, what he always knew.

It had been this way since the beginning of highschool. He hated looking back upon the times in his life when he was happy. He used to smile, used to laugh, used to enjoy life. Now, now that was all gone. Every single moment of his the first week of his freshmen year had lead up to this moment in his life.

"Hey honey! Welcome home from school!" Mom greeted cheerily, a loving smile on her face.

"Hey mom." He said in return.

"How was your first day as a highschooler?"

He shrugged. "Eh, it was okay I guess. Same as every other day of school."

She frowned slightly. "Did something bad happen?"

"No, of course not, it's just been a long day." He replied, lying through his teeth. Okay, not exactly. Nothing had happened, yet. He needed to tell his mom something, and he was scared out of his mind. But he had to tell her, it was eating him up inside.

She gave him a skeptical look. "What's really wrong?"

He took a deep breath. "Mom. I have to tell you something." His voice shook and his heart raced. He had never been more scared in his entire life. "I-I'm gay." He squeaked out, surprised he could actually speak.

Her eyes widened in surprise as she stared at him. The emotions displayed within her eyes went from shock to disappointment to anger. "You can't be gay! That's so wrong! This must be a phase. My only son can not be gay!" She yelled, anger in her eyes, which seemed to burn his heart.

He felt his heart break. He felt that scrutinizing gaze on him, and it felt like it was burning him from the inside out. "I-I'm sorry!" He cried out, his eyes watering. "I-I'm so sorry!" He cried again, those tears quickly falling down his pale cheeks.

"You should be! You're just a big disgrace!" She yelled at him; a vicious anger burning in her eyes, which had- only moments ago- held so much love and compassion for him.

"I'm sorry." He said again, his voice quiet, broken, shaky, weak. He had already lost his father so long ago when he had left them, and now he felt like he was loosing his mom too.

"Go to your room!" She demanded. "I don't want to see your disgusting face right now." She finished coldly, pure hatred in her eyes.

He remembered each word spoken to him. He remembered how each word stung and broke his heart to a million pieces. He remembered how his whole world had turned upside down after that. He didn't talk to anyone, though he never did, so no one noticed when things really started going downhill. Before he came out, he had his mom by his side, and she had loved him unconditionally. But after that, he had no one. He hadn't had anyway to guide him through life. He didn't have a shoulder to cry on, or shield to block all the hate he received.

He was all alone after he came out to his mom. He was all alone in a world where being alone was dangerous. He should've continued suffering with the burden of not being able to be his true self, then he wouldn't be in this hell. But, what had been done was done, and nothing could change that, nothing at all. He'd come to face that fact recently; because no matter how much he prayed and prayed to a god he wasn't sure he believed in, nothing got better. In fact, things just got worse.

Pain exploded through his back as he shoved against a locker, his attacker cackling loudly.

"Look at the little fag, he looks scared." The older boy said, pushing him back against the locker.

He was too weak to fight back, and he didn't have the heart to, so he didn't. He felt the burning pain in his stomach as he was punched again and again. He'd never done a single thing to this guy, yet he felt the need to make his already horrible life worse. This wasn't the first time he'd been abused by him, and he knew it wouldn't be the last. He sunk to the floor, his back against the lockers as he watched the older boy walk away, smirking. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears to go away and the trembling to stop, but it didn't, because he was weak and pathetic, just like he'd always been told.

Weak, pathetic, broken, faggot. All those words were ones people used to describe him. He wasn't anything but those, he'd come to realize. That one word, faggot, hadn't ever gotten to him until one day, one day that wasn't all that long ago.

He closed the front door quietly, hoping not to attract the attention of his 'mom'. He didn't want to deal with her right now; especially with the day he was having. Between bullies and the hurtful words, he'd had enough for the day, and he knew by the time he dropped onto his bed for another restless night that he'd have plenty of new scarlet lines decorating his wrists.

"Bullies get to you again?" Came a voice that made the hairs on his arm stand up on end.

He bit his lip, nodding slightly, unable to look at her or even form words, for surely she'd get mad and yell or shun him; not like he wasn't used to that, she'd done it before.

"Good. Maybe they'll beat the gayness out of you."

"It-it's not like I chose to be this way...." He said nervously. "I can't help I like guys...."

He didn't even get time to register what was happening until he felt a stinging pain on his face. "Get the fuck out of here you faggot." She screamed.

Tears stung his eyes as he darted up the stairs, locking his bedroom door behind himself. His heart ached. His cheek stung. Her stomach was sore. He shakily grabbed the blade that sat on his desk and cut until his shaky fingers simply couldn't hold the blade anymore.

That moment had broke his already broken heart beyond repair; not like it was repairable before that anyway. He had come to realize, after all this time that life was pointless, that continuing to try and live a normal life was pointless. He figured out long ago that life just wasn't worth living; not when his mother hated him and he had no friends. He had no one. He was lonely in this cruel, cruel world. Maybe if one single person had actually cared, maybe he would be okay. But, no one actually cared; which lead to this moment.

A single tear trailed his pale bruised cheek as he placed the gun against his head. His finger rested shakily on the trigger. His mind was blank; for he had given up. He'd truly given up. He didn't even take a second to ponder the good moments that had once been his life as he pulled the trigger. The gun shot rang out and echoed through the small house. A thud sounded as his body fell to the ground, the gun landing beside his hand. The tip of the gun pointed at a piece of paper, which now had drips of blood on the edge.

My name is Kurt Jay Mac, not like whoever reads this will care. But, this is goodbye. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you, or made you upset, for it surely wasn't my intention. I was just trying to lead a normal life. So sorry if I got in your way. I know I was just a big fuck up. I know I was just a person who mattered to no one. Not a single person will care that I'm gone; most won't even notice; not like I'd care anyway. I gave up on caring a long time ago. Actually, I gave up long ago. I simply gave up.

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