Promises

[ruddiestbubbles]

You can always promise something, but can you really keep that promise?


"You keep saying that Zisteau!" Kurt says bitterly, tears welling up in his blue eyes. "But you keep promising over and over again, and you only break those promises.... I'm tired of this Zisteau."

"Kurt, you know I love you." Zisteau tries, desperation slowly seeping in.

"You know I love you too, Zisteau, but this shit you keep pulling is only driving me away..... I can't take much more before I snap."

"..... Please Kurt... give me another chance!"

"What? So you can go off and sleep with Vechs again? Or maybe even Pause, cause we both know you've done that." Kurt says, his voice uneven.

"I promise I won't! Just give me another chance Kurt!"

"I'm done with these promises Zisteau. I'm done with second chances."

"But-but Kurt....."

"You know, Zisteau, maybe you should have considered me, your boyfriend, before going off and fucking your best friend."

"I was drunk!"

"Uh huh. Sure." Kurt says coldly, trying so desperately to not break down into tears and give his 'lover' another chance, for he'd already given him too many. "Like you wouldn't go do it again and just forget about me."

"I promised I wouldn't! And I won't."

"But you did Zisteau, you broke your promise so many times. And I'm done. I just can't take anymore of this." Kurt says pointedly, heading for the door of the apartment they shared.

"No no no no... Kurt! Please don't leave! Please!" Zisteau begged, tears running down his cheeks.

Kurt glances over his shoulder, his hand resting on the door knob. "Give me one good reason."

"You love me?"

"I do, but where's that gonna get me if I can't trust you to not sleep with others."

"Because I promise I won't."

"No Zisteau, these 'promises' mean nothing anymore." Kurt says, pulling open the door. "Bye." He says, pulling the door, only a little roughly, closed behind him.

Kurt shakily walked down a flight of stairs and stopped in front of a door. He knocked briefly, awaiting his friend to answer. Tears stung his eyes and his hands shook. He'd never done that before. He'd never been strong enough to actually leave. Zisteau had done that far too many times for second chances anymore. Zisteau had broken his heart far too many times, yet his broken heart yearned for the man. It yearned to have those beautiful blue-green eyes on him, to have those surprisingly soft hands roam his body, to have those lips on his own.

"Kurt.....?" Came a voice, which pulled him out of his thoughts.

"I need a place to stay." Kurt says, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Did he.....?"

He nodded at the others unfinished question, knowing exactly what he was trying to ask.

"You can stay with me then."

"Thanks." His voice was quiet as he spoke.

He went into the apartment and sat on the couch, where he brought his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them, letting the tears finally fall.

"Who this time?"

"V-Vechs......"

"Are you gonna go back... or....?"

He shrugs. "Probably not..... he's-he's broken his promise too many times....."

"Why did you go back to him before?"

"I love him Beef. I love that damn fool so much."

"How can you still love him, after everything?"

He eyed Beef curiously, his blue eyes brimming with tears. "I don't know....."

Now that was a question he couldn't answer. Why did he love Zisteau? When they first met, he had fallen for him because he was kind, sweet, charming, funny, good looking. They had been so happy, so in love. That was before Zisteau slept with Vechs, the first time. Then Zisteau slept with Pause, for whatever reason. He just didn't know why he loved the other so much still. Zisteau had done so much to him, caused him so much pain and heartbreak, yet he still loved that man so much.

"I just do...."

"I have to head out, you'll be ok alone, right?"

"Maybe..."

He heard the loud sigh from Beef. "Just don't do anything to yourself, ok?"

"Yeah, whatever."

He didn't lift his head at all. He just wanted the heartache to end. He wanted to be able to stop loving Zisteau, but he didn't think he could. He heard the door to the apartment close and he knew he was truly alone at this point. Beef should've known he wouldn't do anything to himself, he made that promise to himself long ago. But, Beef had every right to worry about him, he wasn't ok right now, and he might not be for a while.

All he could do was cry as everything truly set in. He'd done it. He'd actually left Zisteau. But that broke his heart. But Zisteau deserved to be left; he'd broken Kurt's heart far too many times and broke those promises far too many times for it to be ok between them. There was a knock on the door, catching Kurt's attention. He got up, wiping at his eyes, trying to rid himself of tears. He opened the door, and almost instantly wanted to close it again.

"Beef... Oh... Kurt." Zisteau says, his eyes instantly filling with worry. "Oh my gosh. Kurt. I'm so sorry! Please don't cry!"

"How-how can I not cry?" Kurt says around a lump in his throat.

"Kurt can we please talk about this?"

"What is there to talk about Zisteau?!?! You've gone and broken your promise again, and my heart!"

"..... I'm so, so sorry Kurt, I can't say it enough, I wish I hadn't have done what I did."

"But you still did it, and saying sorry doesn't mean anything anymore, not when you've said it so many times."

"What can I say to make you come back to me?"

"I don't think there's anything you can say...."

Zisteau caressed Kurt's cheek, making him shudder. "I love you Kurt, so much, and I'm the dumbest person ever for doing what I did and I regret every second of it."

Kurt was suddenly kissing him, it was hard and demanding. Zisteau backed Kurt against a wall, slipping his hands under Kurt's t-shirt, causing Kurt to gasp. Zisteau grabbed the hem of Kurt's shirt, tugging it off of him, breaking the kiss for mere seconds before his lips were back on Kurt's. Zisteau's lips on Kurt's neck snapped his mind back to reality. He pushed Zisteau back, tears pouring down his face. He hated how his body responded to Zisteau and how much he wanted that damn fool. But he couldn't, he really couldn't.

"Zisteau... No... I-I just can't." He said shakily. "You-you need to leave."

"But Kurt..."

"No... Just go."

"I promise you Kurt, I won't ever be with anyone else. I won't betray you again." Zisteau says with teary eyes.

"I doubt it." Kurt says sadly, knowing it wasn't true.

Zisteau kisses Kurt's cheek. "I won't break this promise, I promise." And with that, he left Kurt standing shirtless in Beef's apartment.

He grabbed his shirt and pulled it on before collapsing on the couch, tears staining his face as they continued to fall in a never ending stream.


Months had passed. Kurt continued to go to work and try to live a normal life despite the constant heartache he felt. He missed Zisteau more than he wanted to admit. But, he knew he couldn't go back, he knew it would just lead to more heartache. He had been staying with Beef, which he felt bad about, but he's didn't have anywhere to go, and he wasn't making nearly enough to rent his own apartment.

He'd avoided running into Zisteau at all costs, for he knew he couldn't handle seeing him, he'd just want to go back to him, and he knew he couldn't, he didn't trust Zisteau anymore, as much as he wish he could, because he missed his ex, no matter how much he wished he didn't. His mind would constantly go back to the last time he'd seen Zisteau, and how his body had reacted. He was ashamed of himself, but they had been together for a long, long time, almost two years. He wished Zisteau hadn't betrayed him, he missed that damn fool.

He put his head in his hands, closing his eyes. This had been on his mind all day, making his already displeasing job worse. He wished he could just move on already, but he didn't feel like he could, he was forever going backwards instead of forwards. He was thankful when he looked up and saw that it was finally time to leave work, he just wanted a big much cup of coffee and comfy place to sit and watch the sun set, which would happen in a couple hours.

He grabbed his laptop bag and headed out of his office, making his way to the little coffee shop that was just down the road. He was thankful when he reached the building, for it was a chilly fall evening and he hadn't worn a jacket that day. He went in and went up to the register, ordering his usual drink. Once he'd paid, he sat in a seat facing the window and opened the cup, tracking an experimental sip, finding it tho his liking.

He just sat there for a while, not really wanting to head back to Beef's just yet. He would usually be content to head back there's after a long day at work and just relax, but today, today he just didn't want to go home, or as close to home as he had, just yet. He traced circles into the table absent mindedly as he watched the sun slowly going across the sky.

"Hey there." Came a voice, causing him to tense up.

He looked behind him, seeing blonde hair and blue-green eyes. "..... Hi." Was all he said as he looked back out at the sky again, definitely not ready for this.

"All I get is a hi?"

"What did you expect me to do?" Kurt says coldly. "Greet you with a kiss?"

"Come on Kurt, you've been avoiding me for months now."

"You would've done the same in my situation."

Zisteau sat across from him, making it hard to not look at him. "I know what I did was wrong, and you have every right to be mad at me, but I just want to talk, it's been too long."

"Fine, I'm listening, talk."

"I haven't been with anyone since you Kurt, and I miss you much. I just want you back, I've kept my promise."

"I don't believe that at all."

"I knew you'd say that." Zisteau sighs. "What can I say or do to prove it?"

"I don't think there is anything you can do anymore Zisteau. You've already done too much to fix things. I thought leaving would be hint enough at that, or maybe, just maybe the fact that you've cheated on me three times. Maybe you should've thought about me before you did what you did, maybe then I would be ignoring you, because I still love you, you damn fool." Tears glistened in Kurt's blue eyes as he poured his heart out. "I've tried so hard to move on, but its impossible, but no matter what, I know I can't go back to you because I can't trust you anymore. How could I if I can't trust you to be committed to our relationship, to me? Tell me that, Zisteau, how can I tertiary someone who's used that complete trust to their advantage?"

Zisteau sat speechless as Kurt spoke, and saw as his hands started shaking. "Your right, I don't know why I thought trying to talk to you again was a good idea. I knew you'd still be mad at me, but I love you too much to let you go. I just wish you'd believe me Kurt, I kept my promise, like I said I would."

"I just don't know if I can believe that." Kurt says, clasping his hands together, trying to stop the shaking.

Zisteau sighs deeply, his eyes standing at the table. "I don't know why I thought this was a good idea." He says, standing up, tears gleaming in his blue-green eyes. "I'll just leave, your obviously better off without me. I'm sorry I tried to fix the best thing to ever happen to me." He says unevenly, his back to Kurt as he walked away, his eyes glued to the floor.

Kurt watched Zisteau leave, a sad pang in his heart. Zisteau had been very serious and real about that, he could just tell, especially after two years together. He knew Zisteau had kept his promise, but he didn't know if he could trust him still. He felt like the second he went back to him he'd go off and cheat on him again, no matter how much he didn't want to believe it. He got up with a sigh and left the coffee shop before he got questioned on the tears that ran down his cheeks. He made out to Beef's apartment and collapsed on the couch, a sob racking through his body.

"Kurt.... You okay?" Beef questions, looking overly worried.

"No, no I'm not okay." Was Kurt's reply, which was muffled by the couch.

"What's wrong?"

"I talked to Zisteau today...."

"Oh?"

"He-he made me a promise the day I left.... He told me he'd never see anyone else... And-and he told me he hadn't and I could tell he wasn't lying.... He-he kept his promise but I don't know what to do..."

"What do you want to do?"

"I want to trust him Beef, but I enjoy know if I can."

"Well Kurt, the only thing I can tell you is to listen to your gut, if you really feel like you can trust him, or at least give him another chance, then do it, you can't stay in my apartment wallowing in pain forever."

Kurt just sighed, hugging a pillow and feeling sleep overtake him.


A few days later Kurt found himself standing anxiously in front of an all too familiar door. He was more than nervous, he was petrified, but he needed to do this. He needed to follow his heart, and this is what it wanted. He knocked with a shaky hand, letting out an equally shaky breath. The door opened a few minutes later, revealing a sad looking Zisteau.

"Kurt....?"

"Zisteau, can we talk, please?" Kurt asked nervously, unable to meet Zisteau's eyes.

"I guess."

Kurt walked into the apartment which he'd once called home, seeing it exactly how he had left it, maybe a little more organized than before, but still the same. Zisteau hadn't even taken the pictures down, the ones of them from when they were together and happy. The ones where it was all smiles and no tears. He sat on the couch, picking up a picture frame and looking at the two, seeing how happy they had truly been.

"Zisteau.... I-I'm sorry.... About how I acted the other day... I-I should've heard you out...." Was Kurt's nervous attempt at what he wanted to say.

"You have no reason to be sorry Kurt, I'm the only one to blame." Zisteau said gently, sitting beside him, looking longingly at the picture in Kurt's hands. "You know, that was my favorite picture of us."

"Yeah, it's mine too...."

"I miss it."

"Me too."

"Can we be mature adults about this now, please?"

"That's kinda why I wanted to talk..... I thought about it, really thought about it, and I realized I believe you and want to give you another chance.... But you gotta promise me you'll be committed this time, and you better keep that promise, or there really will be no more chances."

"Your-your serious?" Zisteau asks, hope evident in his beautiful blue-green eyes.

"I'm very serious about this Zisteau, I miss you, us, I miss it so much."

"Kurt Jay Mac, I promise I'll never cheat on you again, and this time, I'll keep that promise, no matter what." Zisteau says, tears gleaming in his eyes.

"I still love you, Zisteau."

"I still love you too. I always will."

Blue met blue-green, and somehow, they both knew that this time they would be ok, that this time, that promise wouldn't be broken.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

<3

-the lurkiest lurker

[(Anonymous)]

Words, and how little they mean, when actions divide what is said and what is done. Trust, the strong fabric that is slowly torn thinner and thinner, until only scraps are left and nothing can be repaired. You did good bubbles.
-Observing Anon

[ruddiestbubbles]

<3

[ruddiestbubbles]

Thanks ^.^

[(Anonymous)]

How do you always manage to say such deep and thought provoking things on these stories, Observing Anon? I try, but I can't get ahold of the words to say such things.

-the lurkiest lurker

[(Anonymous)]

Words are best woven together with thought and time. The ones that mean the most are those that are small and heartfelt, coveying a lot with a little. But sometimes, a simple <3 or action shows so much more. It is feeling that gives words meaning, and therefore emotions don't need words to be conveyed. You're good at conveying thoughts without words, and that is a skill I lack.
Short answer: I spend more time thinking about how people and the world work in very specific and exact terms than I spend interacting with them.
-Observing Anon

[(Anonymous)]

True. In some ways, you and I say the same thing in different ways. Both ways are beautiful, and neither one could be said to be better than the other.

-the lurkiest lurker

[(Anonymous)]

And you said you couldn't get ahold of the right words. But you have just proven you can. Have more faith in yourself. ;)
-Observing Anon

[coolboynbg_1]

dear observing anon you seem to share my brain space we need to write poetry together sometime.