Letting Go Chpt. 20

[ruddiestbubbles]

Sometimes the strength within you is not a big friery flame for everyone to see, it's just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly "Keep going. You go this!"

Dezeray made her way to the kitchen, her hair a mess and a tired, concerned look on her face. She sat down at the table with a sigh. She wanted to be happy; to bask in the bliss from the day they went to the beach, happiness and, what felt like for the first time, freedom. But, a thought nagged her mind, made her unable to sleep as she tossed and turned and different scenarios played through her mind.

"You okay Dez?" Kurt asks, his voice laced with worry.

"I'm just worried about today...." Dezeray replied quietly, looking at her scared wrist, which was, in some weird way, comforting.

"It'll be okay Dez, Zisteau and I will both be there to support you."

"I know... It's just.... seeing him again.... I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"Dez, hon, you will be fine, I'm confident of it." Kurt says, trying to sound confident, though his voice wavered slightly.

Dezeray sat quietly, unsure of what to say. She felt like she was so close to loosing control, maybe from the lack of sleep, or the fact that she'd be forced to see Max again, or both. But it was all adding up, pushing her closer to that edge that she'd finally distanced herself from. She had thought that she had finally reached the bottom of the darkness, and it had been kind to her; given her a way back into the light, but she felt like she was falling again, but with that light still there. If only she could truly reach it.

"Dezeray.... just promise that no matter what happens today, you'll stay strong.... I just.... ah...." Kurt sighs deeply. "I just can't stand to see you depressed like that again. It's been so nice, seeing you happy, actually enjoying life. I don't want to see that taken away from you."

Dezeray takes a deep breath, trying desperately to shove away those dark, dreary thoughts away. "I promise." She whispers, bitting her lip.

Kurt glances out the window, before his gaze is back on Dezeray. "Why don't you go get around, we have to leave in an hour."

Dezeray nodded, standing up and heading back to her room. She felt the odd feel in the air, it was sadness, laced with tension and foreshadowing. She felt like something was going to go terribly today. She felt like it would all come crashing down. But she just desperately hoped that it didn't. She slowly got around, taking her time. She was kinda hoping that she wouldn't have to go, that something would happen and safe her from going, but she knew, deep down, that she had to face this, face her fears, and her demons. She knew that all along she'd have to face this, but she'd been trying to keep that as far away as possible.

She headed out to the living room, feeling a weight on her shoulders. She had to just face this, there wasn't any avoiding it now. She knew she had to be strong, not just for herself, but for the ones in her life; she couldn't have them constantly worrying about her, it wasn't fair to them. She gave Zisteau and Kurt a smile, though it was forced, as they made their way to the living room.

"You ready?" Zisteau asks gently.

Dezeray takes a deep, steadying breath. "Yeah, lets get this over with."

The drive to the court house was quiet, and an odd tension hung in the air. As they entered the, very intimidating, building, she suddenly felt so self conscious, like she wanted to go and cry in a corner. She grabbed Zisteau hand, squeezing it tightly, finding the contact, at least a little, reassuring. Zisteau sends her a worried look, squeezing her hand in return.

They were lead into a large court room, and beyond the many, many seats lined up. They were told to sit and wait at the table for their lawyer to arrive. Dezeray kept ahold of Zisteau's hand, almost afraid if she let go that he'd just disappear and leave her alone to face this. She knew being alone for this was the worst thing that could possibly happen to her. She knew she needed the support and love that Kurt and Zisteau, her dads, provided her. Eventually, a man, tall and chubby came over to their table. He looked well educated, though appearances can be deceiving, as she had found out.

"I'm Scott Bow, I'll be your lawyer." The man, Scott, greets.

After he sat down, beside Kurt, he addressed the three. "The game plan; I'll call Dezeray up to the stand and ask some questions, but she'll be last, I'll call both of you two up." He starts, nodding to Kurt and Zisteau. "I will try to defend you as well as possible. I think we have this case, honestly. There's a lot of evidence against Max, and basically none that says Dezeray is in the wrong."

Zisteau and Kurt nod, agreeing with the plan. Dezeray just sat there quietly as some people filed in to sit in the crowd. Eventually though, the doors opened, revealing a guard and a boy in an orange prison outfit. Dezeray gulped, squeezing Zisteau's hand tightly. She wasn't ready for this. She didn't know if she'd ever be. Max was lead in, his hands cuffed together, a guard leading him in. His grey-gold eyes instantly locked on Dezeray. She shuddered in fear as that damn image of him came back to her mind. She took a deep breath and looked away.

"Hey cutie." Came from Dezeray's right.

She glanced over at the table Max was at. "Fuck off." She said, venom in her voice and pain fueled anger burned in her blue-green eyes.

After a little while longer, the judge entered, starting the case. Zisteau was the first called to the stand, the lawyer, Scott, asked simple questions, getting the answers he needed. Then Kurt, which followed the same basis of questions. Then, it was Dezeray's turn, and she wasn't ready, but she shakily stood up and walked over to the stand anyway.

"Dezeray, you went on a date with Max, correct?" Scott started, giving her a gentle, kind look.

"Yes." Dezeray says, bitting her lip.

"You were aware that his parents weren't home, correct?"

Dezeray nods. "Not right away, but I did know."

"Did Max force himself upon you?"

"Yes."

"Could you please describe the situation?"

Dezeray nods slowly, taking a deep, calming breath. "He pushed me back onto the couch, and, when I told him no, he tied my wrists together." She wipes at her face, trying to rid herself of the inevitable tears. "I couldn't do anything.... I didn't want that.... I didn't want him...." She breaks down into tears as her voice drifts off.

"I rest my case." Scott says, stepping back.

"Would you like to question Dezeray?" The judge asks, directing the question at Max's lawyer.

He nods, standing up and moving to the center of the room. "Ah, miss Dezeray." He starts, sending Dezeray a look. "How exactly did you say Max 'forced' himself upon you?" He questioned, using air quotes.

Dezeray wiped at her face again. "He-he pushed me back onto the couch and..... and he used me...."

"Right, and how exactly did you end up at his house?"

"He took me on a date..... and then we went there...."

"So, you're saying that this is your fault, for allowing yourself to be taken there."

Dezeray stared incredulously at the man with teary blue-green eyes. "H-how is this my fault?"

"You allowed him to take you to his house, which meant that opened the opportunity." The man says simply, throwing her a pointed look.

"The only thing that's my fault is trusting that bastard." Dezeray says, sneering at Max. "He had no fucking right to do that to me, to force me into something I wasn't ready for and frankly didn't want. I had already been through that shit once! Why the fuck would you make me live through it again?" She finishes, her voice almost a yell as tears poured down her face, her blue-green eyes locked onto grey-gold.

Dezeray was furious. She wasn't sad, or scared. She was angry. She hated Max with a burning passion. She never, ever wanted to see his sorry ass again. She didn't care what happened to him, as long as he was never in her life again.

"Miss Dezeray, I need to ask you to calm down." The judge asks kindly, her eyes having a knowing look.

Dezeray takes a few deep breaths, trying to let the burning anger simmer down.

"Is that all, or do you have more questions for Dezeray." The judge says, her voice full of authority.

"I have one more." He starts, a smirk on his face. "You said you already lived through this once, what does that mean?"

Dezeray's eyes fill with fear as those terrible images came back; the drunken, lust filled eyes, the hands gripping her wrists, bruising them, holding them above her head. The feeling of being used. That's when she snapped. She pushed that all aside, tired of being so scared by it, tired of the pain, the sadness, the memories. Tired of feeling worthless and empty. Tired of the fear and always wanting to start over. She was tired of missing people who had left her. She was tired of the countless nights of tossing and turning. She just wanted to let it go. She was honestly just tired of being tired, of trying to act okay; a constant game of lies. She was done with it all.

"If you really want to know, my last foster dad raped me and abused me." She answered coldly, holding out her wrists. "You see this, the scars? This is what terrible people like Max and my last foster dad cause. I almost killed myself because of those bastards. He pushed me over the edge, and you know what? I'm done with being scared and running from my problems. I'm done with being used and abused. And mostly, I'm fucking done with Max. I really hope you rot in hell." She finishes, the tears no longer falling, every bit off sadness replaced with anger and hatred.

The court room was silent, everyone in shock at the young, quiet girl's words. There was no movement, no sound, you could hear a pin drop, as everything seems to freeze.

"T-thank you, Dezeray, I think that will be all." The judge says, cutting through the deathly silence, her voice wavering slightly.

Dezeray stood and walked back to her seat at the table.

"Is her being angry a good thing?" She hears Zisteau whisper to Kurt.

"I-I don't know." Kurt replies in a whisper.

"Would you uh, like to call anyone to the stand?" The judge asks, directing the question at Max's lawyer.

"Yes. Max." He states simply.

Max stands, after getting a nod of approve-meant from his guard. He makes his way to the stand, casting his gaze to his lawyer.

"So, Max, you asked Dezeray to go on a date with you and she agreed?"

"Yes."

"What did you do on the date?"

"I took her to a nice restaurant, then we went back to my place. I told her my parents weren't home and she said that was okay."

"Did you rape her?"

"No, she let me."

"Right, so, you didn't force her into anything?"

"No, I did not."

Dezeray sat angrily listening to the string of lies that Max spoke. She wanted to yell, to argue, but she didn't. She was civil, at the very least.

"Would you like to question Max, Mr. Bow?" The judge questions when Max's lawyer had finished his questions.

"Yes, yes I would." Scott replies, moving to stand in front of the stand. "What exactly happened, in your own words, that night when you went to your house?"

"Well, Dezeray and I were talking on the couch and we started making out, which lead to things, and she was the one who encouraged me."

"So, you're saying that Dezeray asked you to have sex with her?"

"Basically."

Scott starts pacing. "Then why, Max, did Dezeray end up on the street crying, desperately calling MC to come get her? And why did she end up at home sobbing and in tears, having a panic attack?" He asked skeptically, throwing questions at the, innocent acting, boy.

Max was quiet, almost like he couldn't answer, or didn't know how to.

"That's what I thought; uncertainty. You don't know how to answer, because all that stuff you said earlier, that was all lies. We all know what really happened that night Max, we all know what you did to this poor girl. I just hope you see what a terrible thing you've done." Scott says, walking away from the stand.

"Alright, we will take a recess while the jury makes their decision." The judge says, after a moment of tense silence.

"You okay, Dez?" Zisteau asks, looking more confused than worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Dezeray answers, trying not to sound angry at them, for she wasn't.

"Hey Dezeray." Came a husky voice. "I'm sorry... about everything."

"Max." Dezeray says coldly. "I'm not doing this again. I'm not falling into your trap again. And if you don't stay away from me, I swear to god, I'll punch that pretty little face of yours." She finishes, glaring daggers at him.

He takes a step forward, obviously not taking the hint. "Dezzy."

Zisteau threw Dezeray a nervous glance as she stared down Max.

"Don't." She says, anger lacing her voice.

"Please listen Dezzy."

"I've been listening to your shit all day. I'm done Max. Can you not get that through your thick skull?"

"But Dez. I love you." Max says, moving to place his hand on her arm.

Dezeray punches him in the face, hearing the crack of his nose. Max staggers backward, clutching at his face as blood gushed out of his nose. "What the fuck?" He spat out.

"I warned you." Dezeray says coldly.

The guard quickly pulled Max out of the court room, more than likely to get something for his nose.

"Was that really necessary?" Kurt asks, looking befuddled.

"I'm sorry, but I warned him and he didn't listen." Dezeray says, speaking calmly to Kurt, not wanting to hurt either of her parents.

"Just don't do it again?"

"I won't."

After a long while, Max was lead back in, a bandage, which looked temporary, was on his nose and there was already bruises, which she knew would be there for a long while. He glared at her, which was met with a glare from her. Finally, after what felt like hours, the judge and jury entered the large room again. The judge gave Max a confused look, but quickly let it slide and moved on.

"We have come to a decision. Max has been found guilty, and will be sentenced to nine years at a minimum with no parole." She says, her voice sounding stern and commanding.

Dezeray watched as Max was dragged out of the room, heading to his new home. Dezeray felt that anger subsiding. She wasn't sad. She wasn't scared. She wasn't angry. She felt normal. She didn't feel a huge weight on her shoulders, she didn't feel that pang in her heart. She felt okay. Maybe, just maybe, she could let it go.

"You ready to head home?" Zisteau asks.

"Yeah, I am, lets go home." Dezeray says with a smile, the first genuine one since she was a young girl. All those she had given MC, of course they were real smiles, but they had still been backed by sadness and depression. But this, this was a genuine smile.

She followed them out to the car, getting buckled in the backseat. It was quiet for a little while, but there was a lot of things left unsaid.

"How are you feeling Dezeray. Not the typical answer, how are you really feeling?" Zisteau asks, turning in his seat to look at Dezeray.

"I'm feeling good." She says with a smile, taking a deep breath, loving the smell of nature. "I'm really feeling good."

"That's good...."

"Can we go to the beach to watch the sunset?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Why don't we stop and get some ice cream before hand?" Kurt asks with a smile, glancing at Dezeray through the rear view mirror.

Dezeray smiled. "That's a great idea."

As they watched the sun set, the cooling sand beneath them, colors blossoming on the water, Dezeray felt okay. Well and truly okay for the first time since she was a little girl.