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[personal profile] ruddiestbubbles posting in [community profile] mindcracklove
How far can you really be pushed till your finally plummeting into darkness?

Dezeray sat on her bed, a note book on her lap, a pencil in hand. She stared at the paper before her. Am I really doing this? She didn't know what to do anymore, this seemed like the only option. The only way to rid herself of the constant pain she felt deep down. The one that only this would take away.

She had contemplated it all day, the pros and cons. And she'd finally come to a decision. She just didn't know if she could take it anymore. If she could take living in constant pain, living with the dread for not doing this sooner. Living with the constant sadness from her parents death. How could she live with every single terrible thing that had ever happened to her, that's the real question.

Her life was full of lies, full of empty promises, full of sadness, full of let down. She had always known there was nothing left for her in this world. But she didn't know why she hadn't actually done this sooner. She wasn't worth it. The world wasn't worth it. The 'promise' of a better life wasn't. All the people who told her it would be okay, were wrong. They only told her because they didn't know how to help. They were scared to break her already broken heart. They were scared that if they simply said the wrong word that she'd come crumbling down, because she was oh so fragile.

Maybe they were right in the end. Maybe she was just this shell of a person who was terrified of their own shadow. She was so fragile, from already being broken down and beaten so many times before. She was left with cracks that ran deep, and scars that would forever remind her of all the pain, all the beatings, all the times people had taken advantage of her.

She just had to face it, she wasn't strong, she never would be. She would always just be a weak shell of who she used to be. A faint echo of what she was. That person, that young girl so full of hope, happiness, innocence, and love, was tucked away deep inside, never to be seen again, because that young impressionable girl had had every single thing she ever loved taken from her.

That's what brought her to her decision, she couldn't take it. Her past constantly haunted her and her future only brought more pain. More pain that she couldn't take. She couldn't take anymore or she would be totally and completely broken. Though, it already seemed that way. She let out a shaky breath and started writing. She wrote and wrote, pouring out her heart, writing all the unsaid things that would never be spoken. All the things that she had kept deep down, right with her old self. All the things she'd ever wanted to say but couldn't, because she knew it would all be to hard. That she'd break down and cry.

Her hand shook as she signed the long letter, and tears poured down her face. This was it. It was finally, truly happening. She would finally be rid of the pain that had been encasing her whole life for so many years. She would finally be free, like she'd always wanted.

She brought the blade to her wrist, breathing deeply. It started with one hesitant small cut. This was where she could turn back, where she could stop and rethink it. Then a second cut, much, much deeper than the first. It stung, but the pain was welcoming. She watched the blood starting to pool on her wrist before dripping onto her lap. She brought the gleaming blade back to her wrist, cutting a third and a fourth time, each just as deep as the last.

Her vision started spinning, and her eyes stung with tears, but none of that mattered now. Nothing did. Nothing but this could take away the pain. This was the answer. The answer to all of her problems. This is what would finally give her the peace she needed. The last thing she saw as her vision faded to black, was Zisteau yelling frantically into a phone and Kurt trying to get her attention. One final thought crossed her mind as everything fell silent. It was worth it.

To anyone this may concern,

I've been living a lie for far too long. I've been trying to pretend to be okay for too long. No one knew this, except for recently, but no one knew how I was slowly breaking inside. Everyone saw the fake smile, but no one saw the tears. No one saw what my life was truly like. No one saw the bruises and scars under my clothes. They only saw the scars on my wrists, but no one said anything. No one tried to help. I was all alone in this hell they call life.

I spent the first few months after my parents death hating life. I hated everything then. It was all darkness and no light. It didn't help that my first foster family was abusive. The dad slapped me and beat me while the mom stood by and did nothing. Every foster parent since then was like that. They all hated me, they all beat me, they all helped break me down until I had nothing left. Then my last foster family, it went well at first, sure the house wasn't the nicest, but it was something. I quickly found out that they were both drug addicts and both drank. They both hated my guts and wouldn't let me have any freedoms. The dad, he was abusive. He beat me and yelled at me and made me fend for myself. This continued for a year. That's when it all went south. He raped me. He took Advantage of me and there was absolutely nothing I could do. That's when it all really started with the cutting. It helped me get through the day. It helped me forget all he terrible things that had ever happened. That's also when I almost killed myself. I had been so broken then, not like I'm not now, but it was all too much, but I backed out at the last moment.

Then they finally found out about everything and I was pulled from that house and brought here, to Chicago. Zisteau and Kurt had been so nice right from the get go. They treated me like a real person. They were so nice. I had briefly thought that it would be okay. I had some struggles, but then I meet MC. My best friend. He helped me through so much shit. I was so glad to have him in my life. He was one of the only things to bring me joy anymore.

Then Max came along. I had always imagined what my perfect boyfriend would be like. And that was Max. MC had warned me about him, but I didn't listen. It was probably the dumbest thing I'd ever done. I had finally let my guard down and had started trusting people again. But that was my problem. I trusted Max and he took that trust and crushed it. He raped me. During that whole time, all I could see was my last foster dad, all I could feel was the pain of myself being used in such a terrible terrible way.

That's what really pushed me over the edge. I did try. I tried so hard to stay strong. But I couldn't do it. I tried to listen to Everyone, especially MC, but I couldn't. All the nightmares and small reminders of my past brought everything crumbling down. I tried MC. I really, really did. I know you tried to help, but I'm too far gone to be saved, I have been for a long time. There's nothing left for me in this world. There's no reason for me to keep trying to stay strong when I have nothing left to live for.

Thank you for everything Kurt and Zisteau. You were actually starting to feel like a family to me. You made me feel loved and wanted which is something I haven't felt in far too long. If it hadn't of been for you guys, I'm positive I wouldn't be writing this and I'd have already been dead.

Stay strong MC. Do the one thing I couldn't. Don't give up hope. There should always be some in you, for you are an amazing person and you have changed my life. Don't be too sad because of me, I want you to be happy, I want you to live your life happily, unlike me. Just please, please promise me you'll be strong and have hope. I can't stand the thought of you being devastated by this. Always remember MC, you changed my life for the better. You were a light in my dark world. You are an amazing, amazing person, don't ever loose that MC.

I love you all so much, you were family to me, and I can't say that I won't miss you, because I will. But this is the only way I can see that will help me, that will take me from this hell. Always stay strong, stay strong for me. This is goodbye, I will always remember you.

~Dezeray Marie Hunter

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