Unworthy And Undeserving

[ruddiestbubbles]

Some people believe they are unworthy and undeserving




Bored, that's what Etho was. He didn't feel the same when looking at Nebris anymore. Nebris' purple eyes didn't make him shudder with lust. Nebris' mouth on his didn't get him going like it used to. The sex was great, no doubt about it, but Etho missed the old days. He missed the heated rivalry with Nebris. He missed the fiery passion that used to glow in Nebris' purple eyes. But no, those days were done. For Nebris had gone and fallen head over heels for Etho. And, Etho had thought he was in love too. But, that had all changed.

At first, Etho loved being in an actual relationship with Nebris. There was no more fighting, no more 'hatred' sex. There was only love. But what Etho thought was love, wasn't, it was simply lust, want, and maybe even some admiration. They had both stupidly fallen in 'love'. That had been a long while ago, and their relationship had been built upon trust, honesty, and loyalty.

"Hey Etho." Nebris says, his voice deep and raspy, just like always.

"Hey Nebs." Etho deadpans.

"You ok?" Nebris asks, worry apparent in his purple eyes.

"Yeah, of course." Etho answered, just like he always had.

Nebris sighs, taking Etho's hands in his own. "No, really, what's wrong? You've been acting kinda weird all week."

"It's nothing, really Nebris."

A hurt look crosses Nebris' face. "Why aren't you telling me? There's obviously something wrong... tell me so I can try to help?"

"But that's just it Nebris!" Etho yells, pulling his hands away. "You can't help me anymore!"

Etho rushes out the door. Nebris couldn't help Etho anymore, for he was the source of his problems. It had all started earlier this week, though it had kinda always been there. Etho had started feeling conflicted about Nebris, like he didn't really love him anymore. Their relationship was barely enjoyable anymore. That passion wasn't there anymore. Maybe it was because Etho craved love, that he thought he loved Nebris. Maybe indeed.

Etho glanced up and saw Beef giving Pause a big hug and a kiss. Some words, which Etho couldn't hear, were exchanged and Pause got in his car and drove off.

"Oh... hey Etho." Beef says.

"Hey... what was that about?"

"Pause has to go on a business trip, he'll be back in three days or so."

So, Pause was gonna be gone, probably another vacation. He goes on far too many of those.

"You ok Etho?" Beef questions, breaking Etho from his thoughts.

"Huh.... Yeah."

Beef gives Etho a skeptical look. "Etho, I've known you for long enough to know that your lying."

Etho sighs. "There is something wrong, ok?" He hated talking about his feelings, as they were often quiet conflicting.

"You wanna head into my place and talk about it?"

"Sure."

The two head into Beef's place and sit next to each other on the couch. Etho didn't really want to talk about it, but Beef was very persistent and wouldn't let it slide till he had every last detail.

"So.... What's wrong Etho?" Beef questions.

"Nebris." Etho says with a sigh.

"Oh?"

Etho looks up at Beef, seeing the way his blue eyes held so much emotion, concern, worry, trust. He didn't just see Beef. He saw a handsome man who could love him, and that's all he wanted, someone to love.

"Earth to Etho." Beef says with a chuckle, which made Etho's heart flutter.

Etho moves quickly over to Beef, sitting on his lap, pure lust overruling any notion of caution. He kissed Beef's neck and ran kisses along his jaw and towards his ear. "Beef." Etho purred. "I want you."

Beef tries, but fails, at shoving Etho off of him as he starts to panic. "Etho! No.... we can't.... I can't...."

"But you can Beef." Etho purrs, nibbling on Beef's earlobe.

"But Pause..."

"He's gone Beef, it doesn't matter."

"No Etho." Beef says sternly. "I'm not betraying Pause. Get. Out. Now."

Etho pulls back to look at Beef in the eyes. "I need this Beef." He growls harshly, pushing him back against the couch and slamming his lips against Beef's. Beef was helpless as his clothes were discarded and he was pushed down on the couch, Etho's naked body towering over him. It was easy to tell just how much Etho wanted this, he was achingly hard.

He didn't even try to be gentle with Beef, his mind was too clouded with lust to care. Each thrust was hard, rough. He sucked bruises into Beef's skin. He leaned closer to Beef's ear, growling through the moans. "Say you love me." He demanded.

"N... never." Beef choked out.

Etho bit Beef's neck hard. "Say it."

Beef couldn't do anything, he was totally under Etho's control. "I... I love you..."

Etho smirked, kissing Beef roughly, not letting up at all. Eventually, Etho came inside Beef with a low moan.

Etho left Beef on the couch, alone, scared, and heartbroken, as he shook uncontrollably and a never ending stream of tears stains his face. He couldn't understand why Etho, his best friend, would do something so terrible to him, why he would betray the trust that had been built over the many years of friendship.

Maybe this is exactly what he deserved. Maybe he was supposed to have his body defiled to show him something, to make a point. Maybe it was revenge. But for what, he hadn't a clue. He wasn't worthy of Pause's love. He wasn't worthy of anyone or anything....

~~~<3~~~

Etho couldn't go home, he didn't want to. He didn't want to see Nebris. He didn't want to deal with it. He made his way to a bar and ordered a glass of the strongest stuff they had. If his problems wouldn't just go away, he was determined to drink them away, make them vanish, for at least one night.

Many drinks later and a rather interesting cab rid, Etho wound up in a hotel room. Where his drunken thoughts ran wild. He was never an insecure person, but right now, that wasn't the case.

What if Nebris found out? What if Nebris hated him now? What about Beef, would he be ok? Would they still be friends? What will happen when Pause comes back? He'll probably hate Etho and do everything and anything to get back at him.

"Why should I care anyway?" Etho asks himself. "It's not like anyone loves me anyway."

~~~<3~~~

Nebris sat, his back against the cool ceramic of the bathtub. Tears streamed down his face and a shaky hand held a gleaming blade. He didn't understand what was wrong with Etho. He didn't understand why he'd yelled and walked out like that. It hurt. It really did. Of course they'd had arguments and fights before, but he'd never just walked out. He hadn't even said much to Nebris, but it still stung.

Had Nebris done something wrong? Had he done something to hurt Etho? He'd always tried to be cautious and never hurt Etho's feelings, for he loved Etho. But, Nebris was left worried and hurt deeply. He blamed it all on himself. He'd obviously done something and he couldn't stand the thought that he'd hurt Etho.

His shaky hand hovered over his wrist, his thoughts dark, the option of ending it all was a pleasant one. His hand shook as the gleaming silver blade cut deeply. Many ragged, deep, scarlet lines decorated his wrist. He slumped back against the tub as a pool of crimson started pooling around him and the blade dropped to the ground with a clang.

~~~<3~~~

"Hey Beefers!" Pause starts happily. "I got done with that job way sooner than I thought. So I'll be home tomorrow night at the latest. Call me back if you get a chance. I love you bunches! Bye!"

Pause sets down his phone and picks up his, very girly, drink. He took a sip and let the alcohol roll across his tongue. He always hated leaving Beef to do these jobs, but it always excited him to go back to his wonderful boyfriend. He liked to imagine the look on Beef's face when he returned. Beef always had a huge smile plastered on his face, and it reached his beautiful blue eyes, which Pause swore he could drown in. He imagined the tight hug he'd receive and the kiss that would last an impossibly long time. He imagined that kiss leading into another and another and eventually into something so intimate and passionate. It made him shudder with want. He wanted to see Beef's beautiful body and see Beef beneath him. And, afterwords, see Beef calm, peaceful, and sleeping.

He took another sip of his drink and starred out at the beautiful night sky. He couldn't wait to be home again. He couldn't wait to see Beef again.

~~~<3~~~

Etho woke with a headache and a churning stomach. He felt something soft and warm beside him. He chanced opening his eyes and saw light brown hair and a peacefully sleeping face. What had happened last night? He remembered going to the bar and ending up at a hotel, but that's it. The question is, how on earth did Seth get here and how far had they gone?

Etho assessed the situation, taking in his, and Seth's, naked bodies. Well, that answered that. Oddly enough, he was perfectly ok with this. The thought that he'd made love with Seth was quiet enduring. And, the fact that Seth was still fast asleep beside him was something. Seth was actually quiet adorable. The sunlight, which shinned brightly through the blinds, made his skin look soft and his brown hair look lighter. Etho curled up against Seth's side and took a deep breath, taking in Seth's intoxicating smell.

"Hey there." Came Seth's voice as his brown eyes looked lovingly at Etho.

"Hey." Etho replies quietly.

"You look happily." Seth says with a chuckle.

"Yeah, very."

Maybe this is what Etho needed, someone new. Someone that could give him exactly what he wanted and craved, love. It was new and great. Something Nebris couldn't give him anymore. But, Seth could, and he was ok with that.

~~~<3~~~

Nebris' vision swam as his body fell over. He had no strength left. His brain continued to move a million miles an hour, even when his heart was barely beating. He never deserved Etho. He never even deserved to live. He had thought was going good. But he'd fucked everything up. He fell in love with his rival and that was the dumbest thing he'd ever done. His biggest mistake was loving Etho.

The last thought that crossed Nebris' mind, as his heart gave one last weak beat and he took one last struggled breath, I didn't deserve to love.

~~~<3~~~

Pause whistled happily as he unlocked the front door to his and Beef's house. He'd gotten home later than he had wanted, but he was happy to be home. He kicked off his shoes and set his bag by the front door and headed towards the living room, where a light was on.

And there Beef's body hung, blood dripping from his wrists, a necklace of hope pulled taught around his neck. Not hope for a better life, but hope that it would all end, because he didn't believe he was worthy.

All Pause could do, for the longest time, was stare in horror as tears welled up. He eventually picked up the piece of paper that sat on a nearby table. It was tear stained and some of the text was smeared.


I'm not worthy of you Pause, Etho made me realize this. I tried to comfort him and he forced me to love him. He forced me to let him have his way and I couldn't take it. I couldn't take defiling you. It was all too much. I love you Pause, never forget that.


Pause cut the rope and hugged Beef's dead body. All he could do was cry and cry as he held what used to be the love of his life in his arms. He shakily pulled a ring box out of his pocket. This was supposed to be Beef's. It was supposed to to signify their un-denying love. He slipped the ring on Beef's finger and kisses his hand.

The ring was supposed to signify their love, but really, it signified that love was a burden and it just want worth it in the end.

Pause dialed 911 and sat his phone on the floor beside him. He grabbed the knife that lay on the floor not far away. It glinted with Beef's blood, which was sickening. He brought it to his wrist anyway and cut deeply. He wasn't going to live without Beef. He couldn't. The last thing Pause saw was red and blue lights flashing off of Beef's still beautiful face.

~~~<3~~~

Etho clutched Seth's hand as the rain poured down. He looked sadly at the three graves before them. He couldn't believe what had happened. His two best friends had ended it all and his previous lover killed himself because he blamed himself. It wasn't his fault. It never had been. Etho blamed it on himself, really. He craved love and love can do terrible things to people.