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[personal profile] ruddiestbubbles posting in [community profile] mindcracklove
Pressing matters don't help depression...



"Eat? Please?" Zisteau says gently, his gaze on Kurt.

"I-I'm worried sick Z.... I don't think I can stomach anything."

"I told you, this is just a simple surgery, nothing will go wrong and I'll be perfectly fine."

"I can't loose you..."

"You won't, I promise." Zisteau gives his hand a gentle squeeze. "Now eat, please."

Kurt nodded slightly. He ate a tiny bit of the food, but didn't end up eating much, for he felt sick to his stomach.

"Thank you for trying."

Kurt just shrugs.

"Hey, look at me." Zisteau says gently.

Kurt lets his gaze meet Zisteau's.

Zisteau stroked Kurt's cheek gently. "Kurt, I promise you that this will go well and I'll be right by your side as soon as I can."

Kurt let's out a deep breath. "I trust you... I just can't help but worry."

"I understand completely." Zisteau gives Kurt's hand a gentle squeeze. "But it'll be okay."

Kurt bites his lip, trying to ignore the anxious feeling in his stomach. Zisteau pressed his lips to Kurt's, kissing him gently. The feeling instantly made all of Kurt's worries and insecurities fall from existence. Though, the blissfulness didn't last long as their lips parted.

"Alright Zisteau, we've gotta get you prepped for surgery." Lauren says with a gentle smile.

"Okay." Zisteau replies, his gaze briefly flickering to her. "Can you make sure Kurt knows exactly when my surgery is over?"

"Of course."

"I'll see you later?"

"Y-yeah." Kurt says, his voice faltering.

Their gazes met briefly before Kurt left the room; retreating to his own before Zisteau had to see him cry. He paced the length of his room anxiously. His nerves were shot and he just couldn't help the feeling bubbling inside of him. He went to the bathroom and locked the door. Before he could even try to stop himself, he had a blade held between his fingers, which hovered above his wrist.

Tears blinded his vision as he brought the thin piece of metal across his wrist. One thin deep cut after another; which made his wrist full of bright scarlet lines, along with the dull and faded ones. He quickly found the edge of the tub as his knees gave out. He put his head in his hands as the tears kept falling and the anxiety continued to swirl up a storm throughout his body. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that would block out the anxiety as he tried and tried for the longest time to try and calm himself.

Which, really just wasn't working as every single thing that could go wrong with Zisteau's surgery passed through his brain. One thought kept crossing his mind: I can't loose him too. He knew it was so true. He hadn't known Zisteau long, but he felt a dependence in him already. If anything were to happen to him, then he knew he just wouldn't be able to face the world. I'd be six feet under without a second thought. That thought didn't scare him; not one bit actually.

At one point, a long, long time ago, that single little thought would've had him scared shitless. But, that had been when he still had parents and friends who cared. Now, now all he had was Zisteau; he hoped. He finally got off of the edge of the tub and stashed away the blade and cleaned up any blood that happened to have gotten on the counter. He ran a damp cloth over his wrist before heading back into his room.

He didn't know what to do; especially with the anxiety eating away at him slowly. He glanced to the clock, seeing that it was lunch time. He hadn't even realized he'd spent that long just sitting and thinking in the bathroom. He shook his head slightly as he made his way to the cafeteria. He grabbed a sandwich and a bag of chips and a sweet tea before heading to their usual table; where he found Beef, Pause, and Etho, just like always. He sat down and let out a deep sigh.

"You okay dude?" Pause asks around a mouthful of food.

"No." He replied, not caring about trying to act okay at this point.

"What's wrong?" That earned a smack to the arm from Beef; who moved his wheelchair beside Kurt.

"Hey, don't stress, he'll be okay."

"But what if he's not?" He whispers, his voice broken as he wringed his fingers together anxiously.

"But he will be; all of the doctors here are trained professionals and they know how to do their job."

He just sighs, unable to find the will to argue.

"Your wrist?" Beef asks gently, his voice a whisper.

"I-I couldn't take the pressure...."

"How often?"

He shrugs. "Whenever I get the urges, I guess."

"You can come talk to me, you know, whenever you get these urges. I'd be happy to help you through them."

"T-thanks Beef." He says with a hesitant smile.

"Now, try to eat."

He sighed, not seeing the point in arguing anymore; it never got him anywhere. He ate most of his sandwich, but didn't touch the chips he'd grabbed. All the while, the other three were talking between themselves, arguing about some 'racing' game.

"Kurt, are you any good at racing games?" Beef asks, bringing the quiet boy into the conversation.

He shrugs. "I guess."

"You know, we should all go play and see just who is better." Etho says.

"I bet it'll be me." Pause says with a cheeky grin.

"Suuuuure it will." Etho smirks.

"Bring it bro!"

"Oh, I will."

He can't help but smile as he watches the two argue with Beef in the middle sighing silently, almost makes a little bit of his anxiousness lift. Almost.

"Come on then, let's go play." Beef announces, pushing back from the table.

He hesitantly followed the trio from the cafeteria and into a decent sized room just a little ways down the hall. A semi niceĀ  tv was set up against a wall with a Wii and an Xbox plugged in. Pause helped Beef onto the couch as Etho plopped down beside the two. Being no more room on the couch, he sat in front of it on the floor and took the controller when offered to him.

He tried focusing on the game, but he was having so much trouble; no matter how many times the guys tried encouraging him. His gaze kept flickering to the clock- what felt like- every other second. He tried desperately to shove his anxiousness away, but he just couldn't; not when it felt like Zisteau had been in surgery forever. Beef kept giving him worried glances every so often, but didn't say anything.

He sat down his controller, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his head on top of them; willing the shakiness to cease. He felt that feeling clawing away at him, that little urge that never seemed to end. He squeezed his eyes shut as tears stung them.

"Kurt?" Beef asked, though his voice barely registered to him.

All he could really hear was the pounding of his heart and his breaths, which he'd barely noticed had started coming out in raged gasps. His fingers clasped behind his head; knuckles white as he tried desperately to keep in control; which he knew he was failing at. And, his point was only further proved when he started loosing feeling in his feet and fingers; the numbness quickly spreading up his limbs as he squeezed his eyes shut tight, just wanting it all to end.

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