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[personal profile] ruddiestbubbles posting in [community profile] mindcracklove
Some times, things that should be heard aren't

"Dezeray, you should probably go back to your room." A nurse says calmly, giving the young girl a sad look.

"Can-can I please just see him..." She asks, teary blue-green eyes begging.

"Yeah, go ahead sweetie."

Dezeray nods and walks into MC's room shakily. It had been almost a week. They hadn't let her leave yet because they thought she was suicidal, which may be slightly true, but as long as MC is still alive she promised she wouldn't ever hurt herself again. She intended to keep that promise, always.

She sat in the chair beside his hospital bed and grabbed his hand with both of hers. The gold ring with purple gems stood out against her pale skin. She sighed and rested her head on their hands. She wanted him to wake up, to finally be able to talk to her again, to hug her, to comfort her, to tell her everything would be okay, to love her. But she was losing hope quickly. She wanted her beautiful boyfriend to be okay more than anything, including living.

"I love you." She whispered, letting the tears that had built up fall, letting them drip onto their hands. "I wish this didn't happen to you; you don't deserve anything bad to ever happen to you. I should be the one in the coma, not you. I should be the one shouldering all of the burdens, not you. I've done it so many times before, its not like I couldn't handle it."

She takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm keeping my promise MC. I'm never breaking it, not for as long as I live. I promised you I'd never hurt myself again, and I won't, I haven't. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for you MC, but it's so hard. I can't stand seeing you laying here unmoving. It's killing me not being able to help you, not being able to make you feel better. I just want you to be okay."

Dezeray squeezed her eyes shut as she took a deep breath, trying to push away all the thoughts. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to live. I would rather die than deal with loosing anyone else. She just needed to stop those thoughts that constantly swirled in her head. She made MC a promise and she was determined to keep it, no matter what. Even if MC didn't make it, she'd keep that promise, because she knew he'd want her to be happy, to be okay. She knew he just wanted her to be okay, even if he wasn't with her anymore.

Life was like a roller coaster. You started off slowly. Then came an up, it made you scared, but happy. Then the top of the hill where you were so happy and thought that absolutely nothing could go wrong, you were on the top of the world and anything was possible. Then came the fall. It was scary and you just hoped it would be over as you felt yourself free falling. Then the process started over again, with twists, turns, and loops along the way. Her life was full of those terrifying free falls.

She gave MC's hand a gentle squeeze. "When you told me you loved me for the first time when I had almost killed myself, I knew then and there that I loved you too. There was no doubt in my mind about that. I knew from the first kiss that you were the one for me. That you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one I never wanted to leave. You make me so happy MC. You make my life worth living. You're the only reason I'm still breathing. If you hadn't waltzed into my life and swept me off of my feet I would have been six feet under long ago." She paused for a second, but not long enough for the silence to overtake everything. "Before I met you MC, I was a lost girl that was thrown into a crazy new life. I was so lost. I had no idea why I was here, why I was living. I had no idea what my purpose was and why I was put through so much shit. I didn't know why I kept trying."

She stopped again. She wished MC was awake to hear this. She wished she could actually tell him this, but she knew she wouldn't be able to, not right now at least, maybe not ever.

"When I was thirteen I tried to kill myself. My foster dad raped me and beat me and threatened to do it again if I told anyone. I had already been cutting when that happened. And that night, I had gone too far. But at the last moment I stopped, but it had been too late. I ended up in a hospital. My foster parents had told the nurses, doctors, and police officers that I had been depressed and was still not over my parents death. They didn't even try to mention the fact that they had abused me. But I didn't die MC, something made me stop, made me want to live. I had never known what that was until recently MC. You are the whole reason I'm still alive. You're the whole reason I never killed myself all those times I had the thought to, or tried to. I didn't realize it for the longest time, but now that I have, I can't live without you. I won't hurt myself.... even if you don't make it.... But it'll be hard.... because you're my everything. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I never want to be away from you, I couldn't ever imagine it."

Dezeray lifts her head, looking at MC's bruised, but still beautiful face. "Please keep your promise." She whispers as tears slid down her pale cheeks.

Suddenly the heart monitor flat lined, its beeping turning into a drone as everything turned into a blur. Doctors and nurses rushed in, moving his bed from the room, as time seemed to stand still.
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