Letting Go Chpt. 12

Thursday, January 14th, 2016 03:24 pm
ruddiestbubbles: (RuddiestBubbles OC)
[personal profile] ruddiestbubbles posting in [community profile] mindcracklove
How do you keep living when all you want is to end it all?

Dezeray walked down a foggy road, which split in two different roads at the end. One was a cute blue house, the one she grew up in, and her parents smiling. The other was a hospital with a crashed car outside and two coffins. She tried to walk towards the house, but her feet wouldn't listen and she quickly approached the hospital. She walked down a hallway, one with only a single door. She approached the door and opened it cautiously. Inside was a familiar scene. She saw herself, but very young, and a doctor who watched her bawl with a concerned look on his face.

She saw her younger self cry and cry, almost like there was nothing left. But, wasn't that true, having nothing left? Even then she knew the truth. Even so young she knew there was nothing left for her. Why hadn't she just ended it then and there? But she had been too young and innocent to think of that. She had been so young, so innocent, so hopeful. She had a bright future ahead of her, and it was all taken from her, by a single person. A single dumb drunk driver took her bright future and made it oh so dark.

She walked out of the door, leaving the younger version of herself behind, and into a small house. She saw herself broken, bruised, and crying, and a man, her first foster dad, standing over her, looking ready to slap her again. The poor girl looked so beaten down, yet she still had that spark in her, the thing that kept her going. She walked out of the room and into another, seeing herself getting yelled at by a kid a few years older than herself. She was cowering in a corner, tears welling up in her eyes. Bullies. That had been another big thing in her childhood. She never knew why they picked on her, maybe she just looked vulnerable.

She walked away from that, and the next thing she saw was a bright smile, green eyes, and red hair. Aurey. Her best friend. She was drawing while Aurey was babbling on about something. She missed those days, they were simple, nice. Aurey had been a little bit of joy in her depressing world.

She turned her back and walked away. She saw herself, pinned to a bed, a pained expression plastered on her face, her old foster dad on top of her. She didn't want to look, but it felt like her eyes were glued to the scene before her. It made tears pour down her face and her body shake. She finally tore her gaze from the scene and ran from the room.

She ran into another room, the kitchen, where Kurt was trying to cook and Zisteau was kissing his neck and tickling his sides. It put a smile on her face. This was one of the seldom moments that she was actually happy in her life. That felt like so long ago, though it was merely months. She sighed and turned her back and walked away from the cute scene. She next saw MC, a smile on his face and a friendly look in his eyes. She saw them talking, laughing. He made her smile. He was a light in her dark world. He was something she couldn't loose. She didn't know what she'd do without him. That thought scared her. She needed his cheeriness. She needed his support. She needed him in her life.

She bit her lip. She hadn't ever felt like she needed anyone like this. She felt like she physically needed his presence to be okay, to feel okay. That scared her so much. She turned and walked out, not wanting that thought to continue. The next thing she saw was Max's naked body over her. She saw his hands all over her body, while hers were tied behind her. Grey-gold eyes stared at her, full of lust. All she could do was stare as she felt the shaking start.

She ran away from that. She didn't want to have to relive that. The next thing she saw was MC hugging her tightly in the pouring rain. They were both soaking wet, but MC just hugged her, not caring. She walked away from that, and the next thing she saw was herself broken down and crying, asking MC to stay. She saw MC agree and herself falling asleep. Her vision faded to the foggy road. This time at the end, it split in two directions. One leading to darkness and the other to light. As she reached the split in the road, she stopped. Every scene she'd seen replayed in her head. Every terrible moment making her knees weak. She collapsed to the ground in tears, sobs racking through her body. She covered her ears with her hands as a voice rang through the air, shouting at her.

"You are worthless!"

Dezeray shot up, tears streaming down her face, sobs racking through her, shaking her body. She hugged her knees close to herself as she tried to breath, tried to stay calm. But, she could feel the panic attack starting. She felt the urge to grab a razor, to put it to her wrist, to cut deeply, to see the blood pool around her. But she knew she shouldn't.

"Zisteau!" She shouted shakily, just hoping to god he was there.

She heard frantic footsteps and Zisteau quickly ran into the room, fear evident on his face. "What's wrong?!?" He asked frantically. "Are you okay?!?"

"P-p-panic.... attack." She said shakily, feeling her control slipping.

Zisteau hugged her tightly, rubbing her back. "Just breath Dez, it'll be okay."

Dezeray sobbed onto his shoulder, wanting nothing more than to stop the uneasiness in her stomach and the shaking. Wanting nothing more than to stop everything. She just wanted a normal life. A normal family. But she knew none of that would ever actually happen. She just wanted to end it all. She just wanted to be free of this hell.

"It-it won't be..." Dezeray says quietly, clinging to Zisteau.

"Yes it will."

"No... no it won't.... it won't ever be.... Its-it's not worth it anymore..."

"Don't say that Dezeray. It is worth it."


"Because you've got Kurt and I. You've got MC. He cares so much about you Dezzy, he wants you to be okay, just as much as Kurt and I do."

It wasn't what she had anymore that really mattered, its what she lost. She had lost so, so much to this cruel thing they call life. She lost her parents. She lost her happiness. She lost her innocence. She lost that spark of hope she always kept lit. She lost everything that had ever been important to her. She didn't see the point anymore. She didn't think there was one. She'd already lost almost everything. The only thing she had left was her life, which she honestly didn't care if she lost.

"I.... I don't want this.... anymore Zisteau.... I don't want the pain."

"I know Dezeray and I wish I could take it all away, but I don't know how, as much as I wish I did."

"I just want it all to end." She says, her voice barely a whisper.

Zisteau hugged her tighter, scared for the young girl's life. She was so young and still had so much ahead of her. She didn't deserve any of what had happened to her, and he wished he could take it all away and make her happy, but he didn't know how. All he could do was try and comfort her.

"That's not the answer Dezeray, killing yourself won't help anyone."

"What is the answer then?"

"I.... I don't honestly know Dezeray."

No one knew the answer. No one ever would. She just didn't want to continue living like this. She didn't want to continue living with the pain, the sadness, the emptiness, the brokenness, the longing. One thought continued to play through her mind. I wish I was dead.

Date: Friday, January 15th, 2016 02:17 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
You know, the saddest part is the truth in the words 'no one knows the answer'. Still depressing. Still sad. So good job!
-Observing Anon

Date: Friday, January 15th, 2016 06:23 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
You know at this point it has to get better. If we go through all of this only for Dezeray to die I will be very upset. :(

-the lurkiest lurker


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