Date: Tuesday, December 13th, 2016 04:42 am (UTC)
yamina_chan: (Default)
From: [personal profile] yamina_chan
I was wondering who'd be the first to post their work for the prompt swap. And now we know! =D

You've picked an interesting set of characters here. Especially Vechs and Kurt is a combination we don't see interact of each other in stories, so it's equally nice to see and sad that it is so short. XD

How Chester manages to run this shop with such an attitude in front of his customers is beyond me, so it's probably best that Kurt is out of there. Although he has a perfectly good point to be mad at his employe. I'd be pissed to if one of my waiters continued to show up late and then ends up breaking things in front of the people he's supposed to be serving.
Here's to hoping Kurt finds a new job soon.

Overall, a nice little piece you have here. I enjoyed it. =)

There is, however, one thing that annoyed me as it's a common mistake many people do: Intoducing the rules of the world by establishing it as "In this world, things work so and so". It imediately throws the reader of by reminding them that this is a story set somewhere.

Equally, for the characters living in this world those things are normal. Unless characters from diffrent worlds meet it's usually best to avoid the 'in this world' approach. You wouldn't start your story set in our world with "In this world, skies are blue" either.

It's always best to include such infos into action or thoughts in responses to actions, rather then outright telling them.

But, that aside... I still think this turned out to be a nice Prompt Swap story. ^-^
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