A Single Moment

Saturday, March 19th, 2016 08:13 pm
ruddiestbubbles: (Default)
[personal profile] ruddiestbubbles posting in [community profile] mindcracklove
A single moment can ruin everything (I may have started another war, oops)


A single day. One in which tears are shed. One in which a deep, searing pain is felt. But, it's just another day, just another day, just another painful moment that will be forever lost in the depths of your mind, that will mix with all the other days, all becoming a blur of pain and sadness. Just another mark on your soul, another crack in your already breaking heart.

But its just another day, you realize, as you watch the sun set, casting beautiful colors across the vast darkening sky, almost as if it's the suns dying wish as it falls victim to the moon and it's army of stars, which all shine brightly, more brightly than your own existence. It's a close to a day, one of pain, but its the beginning of the next, which you can only hope will be better than the last, but deep down, where all your darkest, deepest secrets are kept, you knew it was hopeless. You knew it would be another day, another moment, another crack, another mark. It was a never ending cycle, one lived everyday in an out. One you knew far too well for how young you are.

Once a hopeful, happy, kind, caring, creative, insightful, intelligent, young person. Once all of those things, but all the days, all the pain, all the tears, all the cracks, all the marks, every single moment after that day tore you apart, broke you down, ruined your life. To think, a single moment can ruin everything, a single moment that would never be mixed with the others.

A single moment that left a deep everlasting crack in your heart. A single moment that lead to pain, tears, scars, memories turned sad. It had caused scarlet lines to decorate your wrists, for a single silver glistening blade to become your best friend, your saving grace, something you depended on more than you wish you had. But, it was what it was, at least that's what you've been told oh so many times, but you were dumb enough to believe it everytime. You put your trust in the wrong people, never able to find a truly trustworthy person, one that could keep your secrets, hold them close, and help you get along, help you keep your already broken heart beating, and keep your poor beaten down soul from finally giving up.

You constantly wonder what kept your soul from dimming and your heart from stopping it's never ending, relentless up hill battle that constantly continued hurting it. But, you do realize, you have to have felt sadness to know true happiness. You have to have felt pain to know peace. You know all this, you've kept that information close to your heart, really knowing what the words mean, what they represent. You continued trying to live happily, to try and actually live, to be free of pain, but as much as you tried, you felt yourself forever freefalling into darkness and despair. You just constantly wonder how many more days, moments, cracks, marks topic could take before it all becomes too much. Before that small, almost inexistent, spark of hope burnt out, when your world would finally become dark.

That single moment, the one that started it all. A knife, a rope, a pool of blood, a note hastily written. It had all been too much, seeing his body there, broken and unmoving, you were sure your heart had stopped beating and the world had stilled. You remember reading the note, the first time of many, and how your heart had stung. They said you couldn't help them, they said it was all too much, they said they loved you, yet they had to go. They said don't worry I'm in a better place. They said everything would be okay now. But oh were they wrong.

You missed them do much. You missed them enough to bring a blade to your wrist, to consider cutting deep enough to make your small pathetic live end. You blamed yourself for their death, you tried to help them, you tried to make their dark world lighter, but you had failed, no matter how much you tried, you always seemed to fail, at everything. But that doesn't bug you, not after that day, that moment. The only thing that mattered was the fact that you caused your loves death, or that's what you believe, and everyone else had told you. But they didn't know. They didn't know the pain times he was going through, they didn't know about the nightmares that happened everything, all that knew was that you were with him and that you could've stopped him and you didn't.

But even if they didn't blame you, you still blamed yourself, you always would. You knew you were the reason that the world would never be graced by his beautiful smile that had once reached his beautiful grey-red eyes. That you'd never get to know the feeling of kissing him ever again. You knew that you'd never see him again, and that, that's what broke you. That single moment broke you, tore you down, made every day life a struggle. You couldn't sleep, and when you did, you had nightmares. And when you woke up, you'd always feel alone and unloved, unwanted, guilty.

That single moment made you contemplate your life oh so many times. You had the rope, you had the blade, you just had to do it. No one should know you were gone, no one would care. No one would miss your purple eyes, or your once cocky talk. No one would miss anything about you. You could slit your throat, cut your wrist too deep, hang yourself, you could do oh so many things and nobody would care. No one would shed a tear, no one would bring flowers to your grave, no one would say kind words about you. No one would care, you realized as you grabbed that blade, the one you depended on to get through every single day. You realized that no one, not even yourself would care of you died, as blood dripped to the floor, creating a pool of crimson. You realized you had given up long ago, as your world finally faded to black.
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